Can't stand the mindless repetetive mongoloid presenters on radio 1?
Don't listen to the cunts!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 8 Jul 2011, 8:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Photographers
if taking 'snaps' of an ugly subject, merely squint your eyes to make the subject appear slightly prettier whilst taking the shot, in the hope that they may appear prettier in the final negative, in much the same way 'ghosts' appear in photographs...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 8 Jul 2011, 2:19, Reply)

Even if you want to reminisce over an 80s buddy show between a trucker and his chimp friend
It's best not to ask for a video of 'BJ and the Bear' if the video store has blacked out windows and is in a seedy suburb of Hamburg. The results may be somewhat unexpected (and subtitled).
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 18:25, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Argentina
Try invading the Falkland Islands again. Fuckin' come on.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 18:19, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Women
Scrape off thrush by using a Thrush tied to the neck of a wine bottle.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 18:14, Reply)

Irritate Nazis
By asking them how their Thousand Year Reich is doing.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 18:11, Reply)

don't be put off if things don't work out immediately.
just recall the saying: "If at first you don't succeed then try, try Rohypnol"
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 17:02, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

If planning on sleeping with another woman
Pick one with the same name as your partner to avoid any 'shouting out the wrong name during sex' trouble
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 15:14, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Muslim women
Avoid discrimination whilst wearing a full face veil, by talking in a deep voice and saying 'I am a ninja'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 15:14, Reply)

take care to keep the Malt extract on a different shelf from the Yeast extract
to prevent your homebrew project going horribly wrong.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 14:10, Reply)

Radio 1 Daytime DJs
a dictionary or thesaurus will allow you to find a plethora of superlatives to use about bands and music, other than just 'amazing'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 7 Jul 2011, 12:22, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

instead of putting passive/aggressive notes in the fridge to deter food thieves
put your food inside an empty Tescos Value Economy Spread tub as no-one in their right mind would nick that.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Make seabirds waterproof by covering them in oil.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 11:47, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Can't think of a top tip?
Pretend you can by making comments about other people disguised as one.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 11:45, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Can't think of a top tip?
Wait for someone else to post one, and then use the basis of it to form your own.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 11:43, Reply)

make a game of snap more exciting still by playing some one with brittle bone disease

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 11:13, Reply)

For a more enjoyable game of 'Snap'
Play using the backs of the playing cards.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 11:02, Reply)

if you're going to get in trouble for shouting out the wrong name during sex
at least let it be a proper girl's name, i.e. "Oh, Cheetarah! yeah!" goes down even less well than if you called out her sisters' name.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 7 Jul 2011, 10:58, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Infuriate Damon Albarn
by telling him he can't spell All-Bran properly.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 10:49, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make having a wank feel more sordid
by getting your mum to do it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 10:33, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Infuriate Damon Albarn, Jarvis Cocker, and Noel Gallagher.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Serving staff
infuriate Damon Albarn by telling him that Britpop was shit...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 7 Jul 2011, 0:24, Reply)

serving staff
dress up like a boyhood Bruce Dickinson and go and visit Sugg's mum after school kicking out time, knock on the door and when she opens it yodel at the top of your voice 'Can I Play With Madness?'
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 6 Jul 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Serving staff
infuriate former Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker by asking him if he'd like 'a different glass' when he orders his wine...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 6 Jul 2011, 21:15, Reply)

Old shoelaces
make ideal skipping ropes for small animals, such as rabbits, camels and snails.
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 19:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Can't remember your times tables?
Simply tattoo a different table onto each of your limbs. Don't forget to leave out the seven times table as these calculations are never used.
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 19:17, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Serving staff
infuriate former Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher by asking him if he wants 'a roll with it' when serving his soup...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 6 Jul 2011, 19:16, Reply)

Thinking of becoming a mass murderer?
why not develop a comedy routine to go with it. You can't spell slaughter without laughter.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 19:12, Reply)

Save money on razor blades
Dye your facial hair the same colour as your skin and nobody will notice your beard, providing they are at least 20 metres away.
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 18:48, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Always told that you walk too fast?
Try chaining a large wooden chair to your rear belt loop. It should slow you down to a more normal pace.
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Wed 6 Jul 2011, 18:45, Reply)