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This is a question Top Tips

Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."

(, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
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Sitting on your mum for five minutes whilst masturbating
Makes your cup of tea taste like somebody else made it.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 21:38, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
suffering from bowel cancer? needing treatment fast?
avoid drinking any thing that cleans deep in to the bowl
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:59, Reply)
A tree stump quickly hollowed out
Makes an ideal emergency toilet should you be caught needing a poo while walking in a forest with no facilities.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:56, Reply)
Avoid 'mistakes' when meeting women in Thailand
Ask if they can explain the offside rule and if they can, give them a wide berth.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:53, Reply)
Enliven a blind date that is dragging on or going badly
By putting the rohypnol in your own drink and bringing the evening to a relaxing end by date-raping yourself.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:51, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
A rusty brillo pad
Makes an ideal emergency 'merkin' for Rebbeca Brooks should you get her home, and realise she is shaved down there. If thats not your cup of tea.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:49, Reply)
WOMEN
Keep men on their toes by saying no when you mean yes, and vice-versa.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:47, Reply)
to help tell the differance between a space hopper and Rebekah Brooks follow this simple guide
is it orange? yes could be a space hopper or it could be brookes
does it have comicaly large face? yes then it could be a space hopper or it could be brookes
is its head full of air? yes then it could be a space hooper or it could be brookes
does it know its arse from its elbow? yes then it is a space hooper brookes couldnt even tell what a police informer was

so by following this simple guide much confusion and ridicule could be avoided
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 18:17, Reply)
Waddingtons
Alter the 'Bank error in your favour, collect £200' card in Monopoly to something more realistic such as 'Bank error in their favour, lose £200 plus another £70 in charges because you went overdrawn causing a direct debit to bounce and then spend the next 5 turns trying to get it back. ' or a variation on that.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 15:30, Reply)
watch everyone age
Faster than you are by going everywhere at close to the speed of light.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 15:23, Reply)
prevent G-lock
By not running upstairs at half the speed of sound.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 15:22, Reply)
prevent feeling light headed
When you stand up too quickly by wearing a fighter pilot's G-suit about the house.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 15:20, Reply)
teach your kids latin in terms they can understand
by pointing out how you split words into parts, e.g. 'Tele' means 'far away' and 'tubbies' means 'moronic camp shitbags'- there fore Teletubbies means 'moronic camp shitbags but at least they're far away'
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 14:15, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Annoy total morons
when they ask if you watched Top Gear last night by relying "do I look like a fucking idiot?"
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 13:56, Reply)
Rebekah Brooks as an alternative to not finding work as
mick hucknall look a like why not try for bagpuss in stead
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 13:12, Reply)
Jonnie Marbles
Calling yourself a 'comedian' does not actually make you a 'comedian'.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 10:59, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
avoid scaring your children shitless by
wrapping Rebekah Brooks head in black plastic pallet wrap
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 8:14, Reply)
Rebekah Brooks avoid being unemployedand having no money
by working as a Mick Hucknall look a like
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 8:10, Reply)
Billionaires splashed by shaving foam:
try lightening the fuck up.
(, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 3:16, Reply)
make your wife feel out dated and usless
by employing one of sandettie's paint shaking wank machines and never have to take it out for dinner first
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 21:24, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
80 year old car drivers avoid head on crashes on motorways by dying in bed first

(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 19:15, Reply)
Robots make ideal "women"
For Japanese businessmen.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 18:33, Reply)
Custard pies are so 2010
REAL clowns use bricks.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 17:31, Reply)
infuriate Bruce Lee fanboys
by insisting that a "one inch punch" is the term employed by GPs when they want to discuss giving a patient a prostate exam without freaking him out.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 16:15, Reply)
Annoy work colleagues
by asking them if they are on the 'Oh-Squared' network rather than the standard pronounciation of 'O2'.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 15:20, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
When banking telesales women call you and then ask you to answer some questions so they're sure it's really you
insist on proving they are really them by asking them your own "security" questions like 'What colour underwear are you wearing?' and 'Can you turn round to face the window and then bend over some?'.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 14:23, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Metal washers make ideal "Polos" for robots...

(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 14:20, Reply)
Mobile 'phones make ideal "biscuits" for robots.

(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 13:27, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Spruce up salads
as well as aiding digestion, by adding WD40 to salad dressings...
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 12:52, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Have sparrows nesting in your garden?
Make them think their brood suffers from gigantism by introducing a gravid cuckoo into the garden.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 12:44, Reply)

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