Type shit up at a typing poo-owl...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 3 Aug 2011, 10:40, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Hype shit up with S. Cowell

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Scare shit up with a growl.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Type shit up with a vowel.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Wipe shit up with a towel.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Fuck shit up with a trowel.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Ants hate talc.
Don't fuck about with expensive ant poison and traps: Ants hate talc. It sucks the water out of them and kills them and covers up the smells they left so they know where they've been.

Find where they are getting in to the house, squirt cheap talc everywhere around there and down their trail to the kitchen or wherever they've got to, then a few hours later hover it all up.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 9:08, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Biscuits
The first biscuit in a packet is usually broken. So open the packet from the other end instead.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 3 Aug 2011, 8:19, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Scare stag beetles
from your back garden by enlarging a copy of the cover of Massive Attack's 'Mezzanine' album and leaving it by the back door...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 2 Aug 2011, 23:36, Reply)

help solve the scientific wrangle between Stephen Hawking and String theoriticians
by pointing out that it doesn't matter if information is preserved past the event horizon of black holes or if it can coexist as a hologram on the frings of the gravitational well, by saying the Giant Sky Pixie made everything.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 2 Aug 2011, 19:51, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

punish vegitarian whitches by burning them at the nut cutlett instead of at the steak

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 19:34, Reply)

Annoy Simple Minds fans
by telling them they are thick...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Landscape views make ideal "Organic televisions" for hippies.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 9:07, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

a compaq laptop
Running an intensive benchmark makes an ideal though expensive alternative to a hot water bottle.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 2:06, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save money on expensive fishnet stockings
by looking at your wife's legs through a sieve
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 1 Aug 2011, 15:20, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Music Artists
To get your albums to the top of the charts, die.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 1 Aug 2011, 15:20, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Les Hiddins
TV's "Bush Tucker Man": reiterate your knowledge of the Australian bush and survival techniques used therein by frequently exclaiming that "if the early pioneers had known that, they wouldn't have all died"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 1 Aug 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Stupid People!
Are you tired of films which seem needlessly complicated for the sake of it? Do Hollywood's so-called 'comedies' leave you scratching your head, wondering where all the jokes are? Did the high-concept plot of Furry Vengeance and the wordy humour of Marmaduke leave you with more questions than answers? Then fear not; You don't have to give up on cinema just yet. Simply watch Sex and the City 2.

The plot is a slightly dumbed-down rehash of 'Holiday On The Buses', and the three jokes in the film are not so much spoonfed to you as diced, mashed, liquidised, digested by enzymes and then flushed down your toilet to save you the bother. The writers have clearly realised that some people will pay to watch any old shit from that franchise, and so any old shit is served. The storyline was strung together like someone trying to make a Christmas decoration by hanging the last few crappy-looking baubles in the box on a string of mangey tinsel, and so you end up with scenes like the four main characters setting off on a camel ride in the desert, purely so that one of them can fall off the camel then hitch up her trousers, allowing another character to chortle "Oh look! You've got a CAMEL-TOE!!!".

If that sounds a bit visual for you, there are plenty of those much-loved scenes in which the characters sit around a table exchanging snappy dialogue. And by 'snappy dialogue' I of course mean 'Setting up a tortuous euphemism for intercourse and then dragging out as many references to it as possible, and then a few more'. Don't worry about keeping up - The side-splitting quips are spaced well apart, coming at you with the speed and frequency of good Primal Scream albums.

At one point, someone says "Abu Dhabi doo!"

All in all, if your brain was replaced by a ball of mince a long time ago, you'll find Sex and the City 2 a welcome break from Hollywood's usual impenetrable fare.

P.S. If you're still not sure whether this film is for you, simply check whether you read the previous sentence and squealed "Ooh! He said 'impenetrable'! That sounds a bit like 'penetrate', which is to do with sex!!! LOL!!!!!". If so, you'll love it.

P.P.S. Before you ask - About an hour's worth, before it got switched off. And the TV taken outside and burnt, just in case.
(costas, Mon 1 Aug 2011, 14:14, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Chimpanzees make ideal "minature gorrilas"
for ape enthusiasts with little storage space.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Aug 2011, 14:06, Reply)

When leaving the kebab shop
leave a Hansel & Gretel style trail of salad on the pavement should you need to find your way back in case you've left something behind for example.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 1 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)

when going on a camping holiday to skegness
keep driving
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 31 Jul 2011, 21:39, Reply)

Spice up your sex life
by taking a ginger up the bum.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 30 Jul 2011, 15:07, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Brighton is full.
Go home.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 30 Jul 2011, 15:01, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Remember the nine planets of the Solar System
by using the mnemonic: "My Very Efficient Memory Just Stores Up Nine Planets", then prepare to be embroiled in an argument with those who uphold the IAU's decision to downgrade Pluto's status to "dwarf planet"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 29 Jul 2011, 20:49, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

An old Christmas tree makes a good substitute for Amy Winehouse
It's 5' tall, dead and surrounded by needles.
( Vambo, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Pretend to be Amy Winehouse
by being shit and then dying.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 15:32, Reply)

Squeezing a tramp
and collecting his urine, makes ideal 'white lightning' for those on a budget.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 15:29, Reply)

Prevent a long drawn out divorce hearing
by meeting a prospective partner and immediately shagging and getting with their best friend/sister/mother instead.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 15:27, Reply)

sex up your spice life
By raping your oregano jar and selling the pictures to a sunday tabloid...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 15:25, Reply)

In the middle of a thunderstorm
try not to stand on top of a hill wearing metal underpants and calling Zeus a great big pansy.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 29 Jul 2011, 14:36, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)