when using a public toilet, grab a hand-full of toilet paper and wipe the seat.
The benefits of this are three-fold
1: you have already established that there is enough bog roll to accomodate you
2: you may have wiped AIDS off the seat, saving expensive medical costs later
3: your stool now has a soft landing, helping to eliminate the dreaded 'splashback'

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device - Asda toilets - Bradford
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:24, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Slightly inconvenience squatters who break into your house
By turning your telephone backwards every time you leave.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Publishers!
When producing self-help books, save valuable ink and paper by only printing the first five chapters. By this point, the average reader will have realised that they've wasted yet another £8.99 on a load of basic commonsense advice about making to-do lists and imagining being richer/thinner/happier, all hung on an increasingly-overstretched metaphor.

Seriously, you might as well stick a photo of your balls in chapter 12, nobody's going to see it.
(costas, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:36, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Help people live better lives by offering them advice on how to do things, and what attitudes to have.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:20, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Producers of the American sitcom 'Friends'
ensure your audience is aware of how hilarious your show is by employing a laughter track every 30 seconds...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 11 Aug 2011, 7:59, 16 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

1st date not going so well?
Fear not! Just flop your cock out and pull both your trouser pockets out and say,"meet my elephant".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 23:27, Reply)

Rioters/Looters!
Emphasise the importance of your cause when interviewed by the media by ending each statement with 'innit?'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 10 Aug 2011, 19:31, Reply)

salad spiner make idea subjects
for local fat clubs guess what i am fund raisers
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 18:03, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A laboratory centrifuge
makes an ideal, though expensive salad spinner
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 17:20, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Salad spinners....
Make ideal low cost experimental environments to test G forces on small rodents.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 16:04, Reply)

If you love someone, let them go
the judge may take this into consideration when sentencing you for kidnap and wrongful imprisonment.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 10 Aug 2011, 14:54, Reply)

Cat owners:
improve your life by not owning a cat.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 8:37, Reply)

Doctors! instead of having the usual hyperdermic needles for injections
simply use cat's claws as the fuckers have drawn blood from me quite effectively despite the fact this is where they get their food from, the bastards.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 10 Aug 2011, 0:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Ensure you are never late for a train or bus
by listening to Black Box...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 9 Aug 2011, 11:47, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Live in London? Own a shop?
Prevent unsightly looting by standing outside it with a baseball bat, like the Turkish community in Stoke Newington.

Alternatively, smash up your own shop and nick your own stock to manage away those pesky downturn low sales figures with a nice little insurance claim and stock unload.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 10:36, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Riot police
Avoid looking like you are afraid of accusations of racism by actually attempting to quell civil unrest, no matter the target demographic and thus demonstrate your impartial stance on civil disorder.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Mon 8 Aug 2011, 21:34, 18 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Annoy Star Trek fans
by telling them that William Shatner will be most remembered for portraying TJ Hooker rather than Captain Kirk...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:57, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Help your wide screen TV to feel less concious of itself
by not letting it dress in anything with vertical stripes in the pattern
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:55, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid having to watch Skyline by simply
imagining a more shit version of District 9.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Become aware
of any spaces between your teeth by eating corn on the cob.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Save the earth one carrier bag at a time
by shoving them up cow's arses to prevent them farting.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:16, Reply)

Ladies! Improve the appearence of fine lines and wrinkles
by dazzling oncoming people with a halogen searchlight, forcing them to squint. Hey presto, 'soft focus'!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Justify misbehaving
by pointing out the faults of others.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 12:59, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Annoy people in pubs
who take the game of pool too seriously by challenging them to a game of 'sticks and balls'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 8 Aug 2011, 12:32, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fancy a ruck with the filth? Want to get free stuff? Impress girls with how cool and rebellious you are, and how you don't take orders from no one?
Then why not start a fucking riot, you fucking moron.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 10:28, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Greece or Italy do you not have enough money to cover your spending?
then why not try paydayloans where you can borrow enough until payday and carry on living like you want to.

this message was bought to you by
Gordon Brown financial ltd
Berlusconie money management
and cashforvotes inc
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 10:24, Reply)

live in europe ?
fed up with the euro?
why not move to the USA and try working for the Yankee dollar in stead
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 10:19, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Stag beatles remove your carapace before venturing on to nudeist beaches
and impressing the laydieeees with your "horn"
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Slaughterhouse workers
subconsciously follow the instructions of a well-known Iron Maiden song by taking your female child to work with you on one of those 'Take Your Child To Work' days...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 6 Aug 2011, 11:06, Reply)