whilst chopping onions
place a piece of stale bread under your top lip
( Ham o' Shatner -.-- --- ..- .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / --. .- -.--, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 23:30, Reply)

Convince people
that when sports teams get into a huddle before the start of a match, they are actually looking down and talking to a midget...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 23 Sep 2011, 18:52, Reply)

fool people in to thinking you have a substandard education by not spelling words correctly
by pretending to be fluffybunnykiller
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 7:43, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Get the better of the Italian priminister
by always telling the truth and not using prostitutes and not describing your own country as shitty

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/sep/01/berlusconi-vows-leave-shitty-italy
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:10, Reply)

Annoy Barristers
by asking them if it really takes that long to train to make a decent cup of coffee...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 21 Sep 2011, 17:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you live in Albert Square or on Coronation Street
And have a secret involving one of your neighbours or friends, you know, because you dont have friends that live anywhere else.
Dont then tell that secret to someone who also lives there and also has no friends living elsewhere. It will only end in disaster.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Prevent a hangover
By never stopping drinking beer.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Make people think your robot is a ninja by posting letters in a burkha.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 9:37, Reply)

When having a wank for the first time in a few days
Take into account the fact that you may have built up significant pressure and your ejaculate could go further than you expected and end up covering your sofa arm (the stain could be difficult to explain to your other half)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 4:32, Reply)

Confuse people by wearing a bright red burkah and moving when they try to post something in to the slot

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 23:04, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pretend that you are looking through the hole in a letterbox
by wearing a burkah
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 23:02, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Bored with tea, and fancy coffee instead, but aren't brave enough to make the full switch?
Simply stir your tea with the spoon you used to stir your colleague's coffee with.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 17:16, Reply)

Pretend you are in the SAS
by never telling anyone you are in the SAS.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:26, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pretend to be a ninja by doing ninjary-type things
but by not actually being a ninja.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Cheer up you hose mate.
By having sex with you boyfriend on your house mates bed and then leave the used condom floating in the toilet for 3 days !
(fire_exit, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 15:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

prove to people how much of an internet cunt you are by
posting lies on a popular humor site and then not accepting that you behaved like a cunt even if it was some time ago
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:52, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Convince people you have narcolepsy
by constantly fa
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 13:54, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend to be a robot ninja
by hiding in a postbox.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 9:40, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When watching a Youtube video
Press the little CC button and switch on audio transcription. Cheap laughs in every video.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:54, Reply)

women on dating sites
if you're fed up of people who're "only after one thing", dont put up pictures of yourself in your underwear.
(court escaper, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:46, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid prospective girlfriends not returning your calls
by strangling them to death before setting about the lifeless body with a screwdriver and an ikea manual
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:05, Reply)

Big brother contestants...
Prevent booing upon your eviction by donning a t-shirt with the slogan "BOO IF YOU FUCK KIDS'.
(bunglist, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:00, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid prospective girlfriends not returning your calls
By double checking your text messages before you send them, preventing the whole 'walk/wank' missunderstanding. As apparently going for a wank in the park with your children is seen as somewhat odd to a prospective date.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 17:32, Reply)

Pretend you are a ninja
By hiding in bushes and watching people. Best not to start off with tough looking men or easily frightened women.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 17:30, Reply)

Men
By laying on top of a woman who you have payed or married or are engaged to, you can, by putting your winklestick into her gussetbucket have real legitimate sex
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 20:55, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

The phrase 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'
does not apply if you insert them anally. In fact, almopst the completely opposite result is likely.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:33, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Grow mushrooms
they make perfect accomodation for fairies, pixies and possibly elves.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 21:08, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lie on top of your computer for half an hour and it will feel like you're looking at someone else's porn.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:37, 1 reply, 14 years ago)