Make people think you are German
by only speaking in German.

You may need to learn German to do this.
(username failed moderation, Tue 3 Sep 2013, 12:24, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Convince yourself
you are witty and clever by making 110,177 posts on an internet message board.

After all, who needs to actually spend their 30s going outside and doing things?
(username failed moderation, Tue 3 Sep 2013, 12:23, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Are you a tedious prick?
Convince yourself that you're a cunning internet troll by being yourself on the internet. Every time people call you a tedious prick claim a victory and award yourself some points. Or a biscuit. You fat mess.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 2 Sep 2013, 17:33, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Convince passers-by of your immense strength by shoutingly offering them out for a fight.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 2 Sep 2013, 14:20, Reply)

Convince passers-by of your immense strength by picking up a Metro in the morning.
The Mini variety.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 2 Sep 2013, 11:31, Reply)

Women! Avoid Eating Tomatoes
Otherwise your partner might smell them on your breath and think that you have been sucking off all his mates
( Vambo, Sun 1 Sep 2013, 23:43, Reply)

Men! Surprise and delight your partner by eating lots and lots of jizz
Thereby ensuring your jizz will be twice as jizzy.
(Eukanuba, Sun 1 Sep 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Men! Surprise and delight your partner by eating lots and lots of tomatoes
Thereby ensuring that your jizz will taste like ketchup.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 29 Aug 2013, 13:54, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Remember to pick up a Metro in the morning or you won't have anything for the QOTW Suggestions section.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 20:20, Reply)

Disguise yourself as a coroner
by embalming a Chinaman
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 19:39, Reply)

Disguise yourself as a corner
By standing a chinaman with a lampshade on his head in front of you.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 5:51, Reply)

Disguise yourself as a standard lamp
By stealing a Chinaman's hat and standing in the corner.
(Eukanuba, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 21:00, Reply)

Put a lampshade on your head to look like a chinaman.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 0:38, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

When disposing of the bodies, remember to remove the teeth, fingertips and eyes.
Genitals are optional, although once preserved and mounted on a plaque they do make a wonderful talking point at parties.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 23 Aug 2013, 19:04, Reply)

Reheating last nights pizza?
Don't piss around preheating an oven, pop it in a frying pan for a minute or two, flipping it and pressing it down if needs be. It takes a fraction of the time, and the pan crisps it up better than an oven could ever hope to.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 23 Aug 2013, 14:40, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Make the
neighbours think you have an expensive vehicle alarm by sleeping on the back seat of your car and sounding the horn every 20 minutes throughout the night. Flashing the headlights at the same time would make it even more believable
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Thu 22 Aug 2013, 15:42, Reply)

mourning
mark the passing of old friends by mourning everyone
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 13:08, Reply)

morning
make lots of friends by saying morning to everyone
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 13:06, Reply)

Get a free years holiday in Russia..
By simply leaking details of government mass surveillance programs.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 21 Aug 2013, 20:01, Reply)

supergluing a 50p coin
to the street outside your house gives hours of amusement, as you watch smackheads try to pick it up
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 21 Aug 2013, 17:38, Reply)

Ensure a Happy Ending at the massage parlour
By paying the masseuse to read you Cinderella.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 21 Aug 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Stevie Wonder makes excellent Superstitious for old wives.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 20 Aug 2013, 11:52, Reply)

Old wives tales make excellent top tips for the superstitious.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 22:19, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Doughnuts make excellent doughnuts for people who like doughnuts.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:08, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Ring doughnuts are excellent for people
who don't like doughnuts at all, as the outsides can be given to people who do like donuts, leaving just the middle.

A spoonful of jam, or some cream can be added, unless you don't like jam or cream, in which case they can be consumed without.
(username failed moderation, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 13:58, Reply)

Jam doughnuts make excellent cream doughnuts for people who dislike cream.
Ring doughnuts make excellent jam doughnuts for people who dislike jam, and excellent cream doughnuts for people who dislike both cream and jam.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sat 17 Aug 2013, 20:27, Reply)

Clog up Internet forums by posting a load of old shit over and over making it look like you are having an episode of mania.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sat 17 Aug 2013, 20:24, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Become disillusioned on the Internet...
By having a top tip included in the newsletter, but receiving very little praise and no prize or money (so far).
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sat 17 Aug 2013, 20:22, Reply)

Homeless people...
...avoid being moved out of shop doorways by the police when trying to sleep, by pretending to be camping out for the latest sale.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 17 Aug 2013, 12:32, Reply)