A cocktail stick, with the end sanded down
and coated with phosphorus sesquisulfide and gelatine as the binder, makes an ideal emergency match if you don't fancy walking to the shop.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 14:15, Reply)

A mask made of corned beef,
makes an ideal Simon Weston costume for any upcoming fancy dress parties.
Place some leerdammer slices over the top, hey presto! Freddie Kruger as well.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 12:58, Reply)

Liven up boring cloths, sofas and walls
by rubbing lillies on them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 12:09, Reply)

When giving a gift of lilies,
try to avoid rubbing them on your intended recipient, his/her clothes, furniture or possessions. Maybe offer to arrange them in a vase, then place on a suitable location.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 11:03, Reply)

Avoid lilies
Men, Avoid giving Lilies to your loved one as a gift of affection and appreciation of everything she does for you.

Apparently you will be a complete and utter bastard as they have some sort of fucking dust on them that sticks to her new top, her beige coloured sofa and newly painted and rather pretentious "light sand" wall. It doesn't come out either I have discovered.

Roses may seem naff but garages always do them and you can't go wrong.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 10:15, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Ladies
Avoid bad answers to "does my bum look big in this" by buying clothes that fit you properly, you fat bitch.
(The Liberation Of Mike Hunt It was definitely murder. Cheers., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 22:13, Reply)

Turn an ordinary colonoscopy into a romantic treat
by lighting some scented candles and laying a trail of rose petals from the door to the examination table.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 12:56, Reply)

Avoid having to hitch your baggy jeans up every five seconds
by buying some that fit properly in the first place, you fucking retards.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 18 Sep 2013, 13:10, Reply)

Be "now".

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Sep 2013, 13:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Diet Top Tip- Liven up a boring salad
by throwing it out of the fucking window. If I'd wanted rabbit food I'd have bloody well asked for it. Now go and get me a fry up.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 16 Sep 2013, 21:44, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Diet top tip:-For a low calorie alternative to rice cakes, try eating a pack of polystyrene ceiling tiles.
They have exactly the same texture (squeaky) and flavour (fuck all) but none of the naughty carbs!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:47, Reply)

Make people think you're a gruff, tough, hard-drinking bluesman
By being Tom Waits.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 14:45, Reply)

Score with the ladies....
Men, convince women of your sensitive side and your genuine concern for how her day was, her mother and her friends by simply feigning interest and lying.

Gain extra Kudos with your mates by relaying the story down the pub as well.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 14:40, Reply)

Convince your workmates you have a massive cocaine habit,
by going to the toilet every 15 minutes to place some 'coffeemate' on your nose, going back to your desk and smashing your keyboard,
calling everyone in your office a bunch of fucking cunts before punching a partition wall and storming out of the building.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:56, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Disposable contact lenses make an ideal Center Parcs for amoebas.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:43, Reply)

prevent stomach ulcers and the risk of heart attacks
in the high stress world of religious serenading, by always singing from the same hymn sheet.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:29, Reply)

Branches make ideal 'Twiglets' for giants.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:26, Reply)

A king size rizla
with 22 millimeters cut off the length and 7 millimeters cut off the height, makes an ideal 'normal' sized rizla in the event of an emergency.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:24, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Trouble remembering your PIN number? Change it to '3825'
That way when you think "FUCK I've forgotten my PIN number again!' You can use the letters on the keypad to spell out F-U-C-K and hey presto! You've 'remembered' your PIN.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 12 Sep 2013, 12:22, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your dance lessons think you're a man
by lifting a shirt.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 9:34, Reply)

Make your mates think you've taken up dance lessons
by becoming a shirtlifter and sneaking out for hot sweaty man-on-man sessions at the same time every week
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 14:11, Reply)

Avoid the risk of painful 'pinch' injuries
by not using any doors, or going out
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 19:31, Reply)

Avoid awkward social situations
by not going out and not answering the door
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 19:28, Reply)

Avoid the problems of Identity Theft
by stealing someone else's
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 19:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Make money from home
by robbing anyone that comes to the door
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 19:21, Reply)

Engage synergies with efficacy to create best practices to move forwards.
If challenged; reach out.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 16:20, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your mates think you're a shirtlifter
by taking up dancing lessons.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

Get to stand really close to fit women
by taking up dancing lessons.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 9 Sep 2013, 9:57, Reply)

Save money on soap
by losing some weight.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 6 Sep 2013, 7:47, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)