IKEA
Is great for perving at fit young women testing beds....
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 7:58, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Royals! As 90% of accidents happen in the home,
make sure you put on your seatbelt while driving your Range Rovers from the state reception rooms to the bedchambers.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 23 Oct 2013, 20:38, Reply)

Elderly politicians.
Make people listen to you by only saying something about once every ten years.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 14:06, Reply)

Fellas
don't believe a woman that will only have sex with you with the lights off, and only doggystyle up the arse because she says she is 'on'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 11:54, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Dying of aids?
Boost your next of kin's inheritance by appearing in films as a concentration camp inmate
( pemulis, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 14:41, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Drug dealers:
ensure your income doesn't suffer when dealing on the moon by charging six times as much per gram
( pemulis, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 14:33, Reply)

Get six times as many drugs for your money
By buying each gram on the moon.
(Eukanuba, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 22:57, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Enjoy a Teapuccino
by vigorously shaking the milk before you put it in.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 13:46, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Tories.
Slam Ed Milliband's fingers in a car door.
(username failed moderation, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 13:44, Reply)

Tories.
Slam Ed Miliband's idea for freezing energy prices for people. Then sign a contract freezing electricity prices for EDF.
(Om Nom was fed with candy on, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 10:25, Reply)

Make people think you're a shark by biting huge chunks out of their legs.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 19 Oct 2013, 15:55, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 19 Oct 2013, 11:46, Reply)

If your girl asks you 'does my bum look big in this?' plead the 5th amendment
On the basis that ANYTHING you say will tend to incriminate yourself.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 18 Oct 2013, 12:39, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Top Tits
My bird has top tits.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 15:05, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Search for the hero inside yourself.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 11:31, 7 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Bored? Nothing to do?...
...write 3 Top Tips in a row.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:06, Reply)

Hear the latest Coldplay song...
...by listening to any of Coldplay's previous songs.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:31, Reply)

Spice up your sex life...
...by following the instructions of the Hokey Cokey.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 9:27, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Make your own 'Delia Smith' Style Christmas Cookery Book
by taking everyday recipes, adding whiskey or brandy or both and rename the recipe with the prefix 'Luxury'.

e.g. Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle

Instructions- Remove lid, add hot but not boiling water to the cup up to the fill level, stir, re-cover and leave for 3 minutes. Add contents of sachet to taste.

Then cut-and-paste the following...

*ADD A DASH OF WHISKEY TO THE POT*

Rename recipe 'Christmas LUXURY Chicken And Mushroom Pot Noodle'

PROFIT!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 14 Oct 2013, 23:00, Reply)

Pretend to be happy.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 16:06, Reply)

Don't keep photos of naked kids on your hard drive.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 14:10, 7 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Convince friends and family that you have gone insane...
...by murdering them with a chainsaw, and wearing their skin as a suit while you go on an eight county rampage of violence and destruction.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 0:10, Reply)

Bert, makes an ideal replacement Ernie
for people that don't know the difference, and are only expecting one of them.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 16:19, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Need to whip up a fancy dessert in a hurry?
get a bag of oreos and dump the oreos on the floor and eat them off the floor like an animal you piece of shit
(username failed moderation, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 12:51, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Stay indoors you fat mess, nobody wants to have to see you.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 12:41, Reply)

Go outside for a bit, fatty.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Make your neigbours think you have turned into
a horse, by whinnying and eating grass.
(username failed moderation, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 10:08, Reply)

Convince your friends that you know Niki Lauda...
...By covering a tortoise in parma ham.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 6 Oct 2013, 15:23, Reply)

Americans
Missing your national parks? Simply move to Canada. They have plenty of areas of outstanding natural beauty and their country isn't run by an absurd bunch of xenophobic war-mongering clowns.
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Sun 6 Oct 2013, 2:58, Reply)