Never eat raw grape Kool-aid...
...you'll piss blue for days.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:14, Reply)

The best peice of fatherly advice my old dad gave me :
If you dont get caught, you dont get in trouble


I live by this rule
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:22, Reply)

Another cure for hiccups
Unexpectedly jabbing a moistened finger into the anus of the Hicupper (?) is a sure fire way to halt them. You never know, you might even make a new friend.
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:38, Reply)

Haircuts
Save money on haircuts by climbing a really tall tree and then falling out of it.
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Chat up line tip
'Come on love, fling your rat out!' is virtually 100% sure not to work, but you may get some points for creative use of the word 'fling'.
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:27, Reply)

Foreplay
Twisting a female nipple more than 360 degrees virutally guarantees an end to all that pesky foreplay business, allowing you to fling your muck in time for the footy.
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Summer for Meat eaters
Push a skewer into a chicken breast.
Now place it in the freezer.

On a really hot day, remove it, and Hey Presto!

Chicken Lollys!!!
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:21, Reply)

Sensitive IT Data......
Will always 'mysteriously' disappear if you insist on attaching your floppy discs to the side of your office pod using fridge magnets your wife bought for you.

And, no, it isn't my fault that losing that 'important account data' will now get you fired. I may be an IT person, but I'm not stupid.

Twat!
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:17, Reply)

Top Tip
Nice Guys, be more succesful with women by treating them like shit, they fuckin love it. not even joking.
(shavenraven, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 0:35, Reply)

Cure for hiccups.
Jump in front of a speeding truck/train/passing ocean-liner.

Works a treat!
(is0lati0n, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 19:29, Reply)

Jean Michel Jarre fans!
Recreate the excitement of his concerts by standing on your roof in the pouring rain playing a badly-tuned Casio keyboard whilst shining a torch at your neighbor's property.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:33, Reply)

Don't waste money
Buying small metal bowls. Simply buy a colander and an arc-welding kit and use it to fill in the holes.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Running a knife
along the teeth of a fine-toothed comb in a rhythmical fashion acts as an adequate metronome for training centipedes to tap-dance.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Dont forget to breathe...
...unless you are a ginger.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 6:55, Reply)

Even though they are free,
don't use the fag papers you get with Amber Leaf tobacco. They are crap and cause staining to your fingers. Buy some Rizla and use them instead.

It has taken me weeks to realise why this happens sometimes and not others.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 19:59, Reply)

Secrecy
If you are a member of a girl band and have recently married a black premiership footballer to cover up your racism and his homosexuality, I would suggest not stating this loudly in a Newcastle clubs ladies room as someone may over hear you.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:23, Reply)

Fat People!
When at a party, always make sure that you are last in the queue for the buffet rather than at the front as usual. This way, people will believe that your weight problem is heredatory and not your fault.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 15:35, Reply)

Parents!
Prevent your children from becoming obese by giving them polystyrene packing balls instead of marsh mallows.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Tame nervous rodents
by feeding them iron filings. Then, by simply holding a powerful magnet they will sit on your hand with ease.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 15:25, Reply)

When calling ...
...about your vehicle warranty, it would help if you had your registration number as that identifies the vehicle to which it relates.

Laughing and saying something like 'it's blue if that helps' however, identifies you as an idiot and worthy of all the contempt I can muster
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Save money on bar bills
by waking up at 11am, bashing your head on a table ten times and eating mouldy food.

Hey presto, the effects are accurately re-created.
( Noo_Noo Is now 'BeerElf Jnr', I guess :), Mon 18 Jun 2007, 14:01, Reply)

Jittery? Anxious?
Blow on your thumb. The vagus nerve, which governs heart rate, can be controlled through breathing. It'll get your heart rate back to normal.
( ArthurTheRat, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 10:35, Reply)

An Ice-Lolly stick
with approximately one-third of it's length snapped off makes an ideal surf board for medium-sized insects.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 1:48, Reply)

Being Talented and British
Using tons of vibrato while singing, being really young and constantly poking your tongue through the hole where your two front teeth should be is a terrible way of winning talent competitions. Be ugly and loud instead.
(HNGTHDJ, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 1:44, Reply)

Recreate your childhood seaside holidays
by pouring two buckets of sand and a dog turd into your bath. You can further enhance the experience by asking your partner to waft you briskly with a towel and drop ice cream between your legs.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 1:39, Reply)

Don't eat melons with forks
... it just doesn't work
( Dr Scunner She’s a he, technically, but she’s scalding hot, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 23:34, Reply)

Impress your friends
By intricately painting the stalks of broccoli florets with creosote and sticking them in small plant pots, thus creating the illusion of Banzai trees.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 22:54, Reply)

Prevent pigeons
from pooping on your children whilst they are out and about by wrapping their entire bodies tightly in clingfilm.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 21:07, Reply)

Don't waste money
on an expensive 'freeview' TV receiver. Simply record several episodes of Little Britain and play them repeatedly 24 hours a day.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 20:59, Reply)