Trying to wring additional humour from b3ta posts?
Locate any instances of "gaz" and substitute with "bum". Similar category phrases such as "fist" also have the ability to produce minor levels of merriment.
( dan j the filthy bastard, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 12:40, Reply)

Small people
Make yourself appear bigger by standing closer.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Willy size
Men - make your penis appear larger. Only date girls with very small hands.
(biscuitsocks random gene expression, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 20:47, Reply)

Non Christians
Why not hedge your bets and pretend you believe in god. What's an hour a week compared to eternity in Hull?
(jagathewise, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 16:49, Reply)

Stockport Tesco Checkout Attendants
The mere fact that some courgettes have a pattern on their skin does not mean that they can be scanned by the laser barcode reader.

No, really. It doesn't.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 14:55, Reply)

Top tip posters
save your mindpower by posting top tips from earlier pages of b3ta 'Top Tips' suggesting the use of top tips from old copies of Viz
( dan j the filthy bastard, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Top tip posters
save your mindpower by posting top tips from old copies of Viz
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 23 Sep 2007, 22:10, Reply)

learn from a pro
If you need to piss when on a fast moving boat full of very drunk and horny women, then please for the love of christ do it from the back, instead of spraying yourself and all your hot guests with salty piss.......
(jademonkey We gonna need a bigger boat..., Sat 22 Sep 2007, 18:33, Reply)

Oyster
Need to get a bus to work but you have forgotten your Oyster card?

Fear not! For you can simply use your lunch money instead to pay for a single journey for just £4!
(aroe_m0rre, Sat 22 Sep 2007, 14:31, Reply)

QOTW POSTERS.
Talk about things on the 'talk' board.
www/b3ta.com/talk

That way your lies about your sexual prowess can be mocked by a wider audience.
AND there are GIRLS other than Rachelswipe you can pander too.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Sep 2007, 10:07, Reply)

Insults
"Dingus" is pretty good, not too offensive, but conveys a sense of deep southern-inbredness.

Or maybe that's just my overactive imagination.

Hat, coat, slam.
(Vic Flange, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 11:30, Reply)

Frankspencer
I also vote for Ploppypants as the finest insult ever.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:26, Reply)

there's loads of good ideas
on the suggestion board!

my absolute favourites are things like overheard or misunderstood or random comments or mistranslated.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:11, Reply)

Ideas
RSwipe posted
a good topic about rudeness - perhaps we should revisit old topics and ban reposts...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Erm...
Lee Kamaholout (said with Italian accent)
Trey Saherpes?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:04, Reply)

I wonder...
...if one of the problems is there is only so many interesting or witty topics to talk about? I reckon we've done most of the filthy/funny/dirty/barely legal ones now. What's left? Mind you - if I had the answer to that I'd be posting on the 'Suggest a QOTW topic' board.

Maybe another suggestion - get legless to recant one of his many varied and amusing experiences (not already posted) and we'll make up a question around that. Everyone else can just muck in with their own responses! :)
( dan j the filthy bastard, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Already done Ben Dover!
Phil McAvity to follow.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:58, Reply)

Top Tip for preventing RSI
Do not go onto the QOTW main board at 10:20am on a Thursday and press 'refresh' constantly for hours on end, hoping to be one of the first to see when the new topic comes up.

By about 1pm it starts to sting a bit.

And I could do with a lavatory break.

Ah well, back to it...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:56, Reply)

Names..
Say you're part of a Duo...

Ben Dover
and
Phil McCavity
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:56, Reply)

It's a little predictable but doable...
All suggestions welcome.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Disasterprone
Is:

Phil McCrackin too obvious?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:34, Reply)

No!
I'm calling companies for info about some projects I'm working on and introducing myself with these names. Nobody has cottoned on, really, just a few surprised sounds.

My favourite so far is Anal Gollum.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:34, Reply)

disasterprone
I'm guessing this isn't in cover letters when applying for jobs?
( dan j the filthy bastard, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:31, Reply)

More names I have used to introduce myself to companies...
Bobby Browneye
Barry Felcher
Charles Dickinchicken
Charlie Chutney
Horace Analwarts
Oscar Scabonyercock
Bryan Itchybum
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:29, Reply)

How 'bout
Snivelsnotpoobumface?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:23, Reply)

Ploppypants?
I think frankspencer just came up with my new all time favourite insult ever.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:23, Reply)

danj
I think most outrage comes as she's nice, and doesn't deserve random slating...

Be she a looker or not, according to opinion, there's no need for fuckwits.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Yeah, no schoolboy insults!
You fucking idiot. Up yours, piss-breath.

Oh, on another topic, I was on my little bro's stag do this weekend and it turns out I fucked the high school wank fantasy of him and his mates. Repeatedly.

*smug*
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:21, Reply)

Yay
Aren't we inventive - I think we just made a QOTW Talk Board!

Mind you, reading below it's possible this could be the rswipe appreciation board. Seems to be a lot of strong hormones on b3ta at the moment...

Bit hard to tell from the HoN pic but there's a lot more to things than just a still pic anyway - if it wasn't for the upcoming wedding I'd give you one*.

Obviously the rest of you are all lovely too. I'm almost tempted to come along to a future (London) meet.

* for a small fee which would be donated to charity
( dan j the filthy bastard, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:20, Reply)

Bitchesdontknowaboutmydiabeetus
Have to agree with the rest. Swipe is our mascot and you win points round here for offering something more intelligent than playground insults. Ploppypants.
(frankspencer, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:16, Reply)