top tip
if you havn't any friends at school
just kill your self you get a whole page in the school year book and maybe even a bench.
their others can sit and be happy on your misery
(groovypoodle Terribly inept, please forgive, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 22:00, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Fluffy :-)
Use shampoo and conditioner on your pubes, and anti-frizz hair serum*. It doesn't achieve much but you still feel somewhat better than the average male afterwards. I tried it out of curiosity and I've never gone back.

*I use Aussie anti-fizz with conditioning milk, but shop around and see what works best for you. We're worth it too, I think.
(MunchMyBalloons, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 16:29, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Frozen Sausages...
...make a delicious meaty man treat.
(dapthechap probably has this as a status on facebook, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 15:53, Reply)

Don't.
Just don't.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 10:07, Reply)

Fat couples!
Lumber as slowly as you can, side by side, through the narrow passages and stairwells of the London Underground. Your fellow passengers will find this especially soothing during rush hours.

You disgusting fat cunts.
( routine has perfected burgers, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 23:29, Reply)

Save time!
The next time somebody asks you what the time is just walk past them. I've calculated that If I had done this since the age of 20 I would have saved myself a whole 5 days.
Also works for directions and requests for assistance. I'm a shit policeman I really am.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 21:57, Reply)

having trouble with unruly neighbours?
you should kill yourself, because they fucking hate you.
(mmmkay, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 16:40, Reply)

candles
Don't have enough candles to melt in a bucket to replace your wellies? Simply stick your booted feet into a fire and the wellies will melt giving you stylish and effective vulcanised socks.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 15:29, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Wet day?
Having trouble with pesky wellington boots? Simply melt down a few candles into a bowl and dip your feet into it, guaranteed to keep your tootsies dry.
(Lex scripta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:09, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Children
Having trouble entertaining the kids? Simply put a few toenail clippings into a matchbox, seal with sticky back plastic - HEY PRESTO a rattle!
(Lex scripta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:05, Reply)

Blind People
Confuse blind people by passing them a Cheese Grater and telling them its an obscure book. It will keep them entertained for hours and its cheaper than a Braille book.
(Lex scripta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:04, Reply)

My mum told me:
"Don't trust people tatooed in the face"
Turns out, they are often canibals.
(Lump, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 11:21, Reply)

b3ta mods
If b3ta is offline for a good chunk of the week, don't close the QOTW early.

[EDIT:]And when deciding which QOTW sugestion to use, don't restrict yourself to the ones made in the last week.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 10:39, Reply)

Avoid Serioius Downtime
by keeping your popular website servers outside of the inflammable state of Texas!
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 22:36, Reply)

OCD Sufferers
If you even fancy a wank, don't.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 0:05, Reply)

Care
Just the right amount of Mr Muscle in your wife's tea allows you to satisfy your Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 0:04, Reply)

L'Oreal
Instead of spending good money on anti-ageing creams and treatment, travel at the speed of light for a bit. That way when you stop again, everyone will have aged considerably more than you will have and you enjoy the admiring gasps of your friends.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 0:02, Reply)

Sky
Save money by not subscribing to Sky, but instead buy all the classic BBC comedies on DVD instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 0:00, Reply)

Chicken
Every Sunday, I push a leftover chicken leg bone up my arse and I've never had gout to this day.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 23:47, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Paedophiles
Remember that eighteen is not the same as 2 nines.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 23:45, Reply)

Don't like being phoned by idiots?
Leave an extremely short empty answering-machine message on your phone. Anyone who doesn't figure out why they hear nothing but a beep followed by silence is too stupid to be worthy of your discourse.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 21:46, Reply)

Tramps and such
Worried where your next meal is coming from? Look in the nearest bin because where you'll inevitably find it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:42, Reply)

Large supermarket chain owners
Worried about paying massive fines for price fixing? Simply increase the cost of the products you were originally found guilty of price-rigging in the first place.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:41, Reply)

Audiophiles
Don't kid yourself into buying specialist mains cable for your hi-fi. It makes no difference whatsoever.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:37, Reply)

birth control
I put my scotum in a Breville sandwich toaster and now I don't need to wear condoms
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:35, Reply)

showers
Take two bottles into the shower?

Simply piss in the toilet instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:30, Reply)

Fellow B3tards
Follow the_dalai_farmer's lead of boosting my ego sevenfold.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:28, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Webmasters
Consider hosting your website with a reputable hosting company that has some sort of fire suppression system in place such as halides.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:20, Reply)

Hosting companies
Consider setting up a mirror server in a different location, at least in a different post code, to host the more popular websites in case your servers burn to the ground.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 20:18, Reply)