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This is a question Twat Friends

BraynDedd tugs our sleeve and asks: "You know the one, the mate who is guaranteed to ruin every social situation by being an embarrassment/sexist/racist/bellend etc. Tell us about your twattiest mate."

(, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:50)
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I had a friend called Gordon.
One morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just shagged one of the student nurses next door.
'I've just shagged one of the student nurses next door.' He said.
How did you meet? We ask.
'Got chatting over the fence last night.'
But the fence is over six foot and you're a short-arse Weegie.
'Oh. I was perched on the wheely bin.' Gordon explains.
Because ... ?
'Well I couldn't find my keys and I was desperate for a shit.'
So there's a shit in the wheelie bin?
'Aye. A massive one. Anybody want a cup of tea?'
(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 12:27, 17 replies)
No wonder you told him to "STAY ABOUT FROM MY BINS"

(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 13:58, closed)
Surely that's:
"Stah aboot frahm mah bins!"?
(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 17:25, closed)
If he was a Weegie it'd be "STEE ABOOT FRAE MAH BENS, YA WEE SHITE"

(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 19:58, closed)
I find it difficult enough trying to imitate accents when speaking, never mind typing.
(, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 9:37, closed)
But he'd already said that the shite was massive.

(, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 19:17, closed)
Doc Shambles is far too LOVELY to ever have mocked the poor benighted Porridge-wog's accent.

(, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 19:19, closed)
Next time I meet an attractive student nurse I'll have to try out my 'strain face' on her, see if it works

(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 14:00, closed)
I think his actual chat-up routine began with a request for kitchen roll.
The man had some unfathomable celtic charm.
(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 14:07, closed)
Alright darling, have you got any kitchen roll? Only I've just had to take a shit in the bin.

(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 14:11, closed)
It was probably 'hen' or 'sweetheart' but other than that you're probably spot on.

(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 14:20, closed)
There's something very wrong with the world,
although I do have to admire Gordon's balance.
(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 15:16, closed)
There's plenty wrong with the world
but I'm not sure the moral laxity of student nurses is top of the list.
(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 18:11, closed)
This reply wins everything for me
*can't stop giggling*
(, Tue 24 Sep 2013, 12:46, closed)
Like drugs, all shits should be massive.
Unless one is suffering from bum gravy.

I like this story.
(, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 19:24, closed)
I love the image of him plying the smooth chat while simultaneously curling one out

Then again, my memories of student nurses are that a mere shit wouldn't put them off a possible session of jungle-fucking.

...must have pissed the cat in the wheely bin right off, though.
(, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 10:47, closed)
it cant have minded too much or it would have taken his bollocks off

(, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 11:25, closed)
I like this.
The story, I mean. I can take or leave shitting in bins.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 14:15, closed)

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