for my dear friend misskitty
re: www.b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/post435054

Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs. Not at all. She’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this...

"Want some of this coke baby?"

"No I cant, I cant, I really cant"

"Sure?"

"Well maybe just a wee bit"

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnnort!

FFW 6 hours... and we have a raging Hoover nosed maniac with one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change - demanding more sex, coke,porn,sex,coke,porn - you get the picture. She even got so off her face on a bottle of poppers at Tin the park she had to be carried a good mile or so back to the bloody tent. But that's just the preamble...

A good few years back we went to a really nice hotel in a wee fishing village in Scotland - Portpatrick to be precise. With some time to kill before dinner, lolling around in our room, I decide to roll a joint.

"Want to try some hash babes"

"No I can't smoke"

"You can eat it though"

"Hmmm? Ok - not much though!"

A small piece of hash the size of a pea is consumed then we took the dogs for a walk along the beach. Drugs? No effect. An hour later there we are in the rather posh hotel bar, Mrs Spimf in a LBD looking leggy, demure and pretty damn hot.

"Would you like a drink before dinner darling”?

"Yes, sherry please"

Now I don’t know what sort of fucked up constitution my Mrs has but it would seem a tiny speck of cannabis can lie dormant in her tumblyboos until one small sherry is sloshed down there, then it begins...

Giggling - fair enough
Talking Pish - fair enough
Sudden loss of short term memory resulting is said pish being repeated on loop - fair enough
Attempt to get off bar stool and go to the loo resulting in KO style collapse in the middle of the room - erm no.

To make matters even better she had landed smack on the floor at the owner’s feet who was chatting with her daughter. Soon revived and seemingly now ok (ish) while rubbing a slight bump on her head, Mrs Spimf (brilliantly) explains to the hotel owner she might have had an adverse reaction to some prescription medicine. Owner promptly offers to call a doctor; she even offered to act as a witness in the lawsuit she had conjured from nowhere that was going to 'ruin' the 'idiot' doctor that would prescribe such powerful drugs without proper warning. Suddenly Mrs Spimf is fine and dandy again so we decide to proceed with dinner. She's now hungry - celle surprise! A sip of wine and a nibble at her starter and she’s off again. Talking pish, swaying about, stuck on a Groundhog Day loop - the lot!

Tits.

Quietly, I ask the waiter if he could sent the rest of the food up to the room and try to make as dignified an exit as one can with Ken Fucking Dodd in a cocktail dress waving and belming to a room full of bemused diners. So there we are back in the room - immediately Mrs Spimf strips naked. No idea why, the only thing I was intending eating at that point was my bloody steak, which was supposedly on its way up.

Knock knock - "room service"

"Come in" coos my idiot bloody wife, naked as a Tory MP in a boys dormitory.

The poor bloke trundles in with a splendid tray of delights, complete with comedy silver dome things on them. Give him his due he barely batted an eyelid as I hastily tried to cover my mad as a bat butt naked wife. He left with a smirk and large tip. After ten minutes of watching my wife struggling to use cutlery (she seemed to be knitting and imaginary scarf from invisible wool) I suggested at that point she might well be better in bed. So in she pops.

Thank. Fuck! Peace at last. Just as I finish my steak the convulsions start. Yes fucking convulsions.

Su-fucking-perb.

So there she is: Portpatrick's answer to Jon Belushi writhing around in bed like Linda Blair's epileptic understudy. After some 'discussion' Mrs Spimf decides it is in fact...

"Nothing to do with the drugs - it must have been when I hit my head"

She then panics - decides she has a 'brain clot' from her tumble earlier (I had a few choice words on that one). Nevertheless Mrs Spimf demands a doctor be summoned.

"Head injuries must be investigated!"

So there I am - no choice. I called the owner and asked if she could discreetly request a local doctor give us a quick call just to reassure my idiot wife she is not destined to spend the remainder of her days communicating with one eyebrow. Ten minutes later an ambulance with full blues and twos rocks up.

Fuck.

All too soon the paramedics enter the room, along with the bloody owner and her daughter as well for good measure. After I managed to tactfully ask them to get the fuck out I had a quite word with the paramedic.

"Don’t think its the bump to the head mate" (looks around conspiratorially) "she's actually eaten a little bit of cannabis"

Paramedic looks confused,

"How much"

"Erm maybe enough for two fairly miserly joints"

Paramedic scratches head.

"What’s she doing eating it - your supposed to smoke it, at least that's what I do (winks), having said that if she's had a bump to the head we should maybe take her in for observation"

Tits.

So they go to lift the pale and shaking Mrs Spimf out of bed

"Wait!"

"She’s naked"

"Oh right, fine where are her clothes"

I gather up the frilly black undies, stockings heels and LBD and realise the chances of getting her dressed without more drama were, to even the most optimistic observer, bugger all.

"Fuck it, wrap her up in the duvet, I’ll take the clothes with me"

And so they did. Then popped her on a little chair with wheels affair and lifted her up....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cries my lunatic wife - "I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!!!!"

"Erm your only about 6 inches off the floor love"

"OH? ...Well it felt a lot higher"

*faceplams*

So we process through the hotel lobby - the entire staff and guests it would seem had now lined up to see the drama unfolding with 'my lovely wife' now back on a high waving like a mong on a day trip to a window factory.

Kill me now, please God - end this now.

So we sat in the ambulance - it was at least 40 minutes to the nearest A&E. Mrs Spimf cracking jokes all the way. Me sitting there with a face like thunder. They treated Mrs Spimf and I like we had been up all night smearing methadone on a baby, grilled me on what she had 'actually taken' then eventually they let us home at around 3 am. The taxi back to the hotel cost about 50 quid - about 15 years ago.

I don't allow my wife drugs anymore. Muppet.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:34, 24 replies)

Jeebus Spimf
Are you sure even alcohol is safe for her to be allowed?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:40, closed)

Get rid of the line breaks
and this is an ace story
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:43, closed)

i always include linebreaks like that
*flounces*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:47, closed)

I do too
In some of my stories. Easy enough to read.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:51, closed)

No, keep them
It's much easier to read with line breaks
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 4:20, closed)

i dont think she should be allowed bloody cutlery

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:51, closed)

Hahaha!
"want some of this coke baby"

"no i cant i cant i really cant"

"sure"

"well maybe just a wee bit"

snnnnnnnnnnnnnnort!

FFW 6 hours later. raging hoover nosed maniac with one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change demanding more sex,coke,porn,sex,coke,porn - you get the picture.


This used to be me but without the urge for porn and sex.
( girlinthehole, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:54, closed)

Some people
just don't react well on cannabis at all.

I remember August Bank holiday with my mate J, down in Bournemouth. We were due to go on a "rave boat" that evening which was, I must say, aces, like a muppet J gets us to the harbour all of 3 hours too early.

My ace idea was - if we drink in the sun we will be mullered before the boat goes. So why not go back to my car (parked in a multi-storey) take the roof down, have a spliff and listen to some tunes.

J was no stranger to class As, but had told me that dope wasn't really his thing.

He was right. 10 seconds after his first pull on the j, he looked like he'd had a stroke. Completely fucked.

Finally, he regains the power of speech.

"Christ knows how you can do that stuff" he eventually says.

This from a man with a nose like a Dyson.

Weird.
( I_Was_Mordred, Sun 31 May 2009, 13:05, closed)

oh gods.
I like a bit of hash every now and then but combine in with alcohol and that's pretty much my exact reaction - talking pish, all over the place, laughing like a mong. Then swap convulsions for vomiting. non stop. for three. sodding. hours.

I'm a spakka sometimes. I think your wife and I have the same drug tolerance levels.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 31 May 2009, 13:48, closed)

awww
Give the lovely Mrs Spimf a hug from me. I can't handle the shit either (actually I'm allergic and my bronchial tubes shut and I can't breathe and pass out, but still...)

I think my linky earlier might have fucked up, at least it did when I tried to follow it....but still, luvs for the reference.

xox

BTW Mrs Spimf sounds like one of my old bosses- or me when I mix alchohol with xanax.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Sun 31 May 2009, 14:46, closed)

EDIT
link fixed
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 31 May 2009, 15:10, closed)

I just did a bit of wee
Oh my Lord, I am crying with laughter at this one. Sorry mate, but this is comedy gold. You poor sod, though, having to cope with that.
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Sun 31 May 2009, 15:30, closed)

"raging hoover nosed maniac with one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change"
That's as fine a bit of description as I've seen anywhere. Excellent story.
(Big D, Sun 31 May 2009, 16:17, closed)

Ooooh dear!
Probably wasn't as funny at the time :P Some folk just take a horrible reaction to hash though, me being one of them. Reminds me of my previous post a few months back - www.b3ta.com/questions/fittingin/post349129 - I thought it was just me!
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 1:19, closed)

yeah to be fair
i smoked daily for around 15 years or more - and it does fuck you up. i tried eating it once myself - didn't agree with me at all. what people forget is cannabis is classed as a psychoactive and in large amounts can be hallucinogenic. i'm not one to preach but i gave it up about 6 or 7 years ago after my best mate chucked himself off a tower block. i know many people smoke hash quite happily all their lives with no ill effects other than than a heightened ability to do fuck all - but i firmly believe my mate developed cannabis psychosis, he had some slight issues going into his teens then smoked heavily for almost 20 years, ended up he couldn't work, was sectioned twice then killed himself.

sorry for teh lack of funnies
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 6:13, closed)

I've known a couple of people who have developed major problems
possibly linked to their intake.

it affects people in wildly different ways though. I basically smoke everyday, and have done for the past 9 or 10 years with no ill effects. I know a few others who are the same.

some people that makes them incapable of anything, or worse.

have't eaten any in a while, but I've had some pretty fine experiences when I have
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 11:54, closed)

The Dark Gift is different for each of us

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 12:10, closed)

It's linked to Schizophrenia
For a reason.

=/
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 13:53, closed)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
cries my lunatic wife - "I"M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!!!!"

laughs like a loon..
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 4:21, closed)

I've only had pot a few times
And frankly, I didn't notice anything different most times, just sitting out on the deck with my flatmates smoking for a while....

Until I tried to go to the store and buy some more beer.

I was giggling like a loon the entire way. When I got closer I got freaked out and tried not to giggle, which resulted in more giggling and mirth. Then I tried to pretend I was listening to a funny podcast from Ricky Jervais.

So the supermarket was treated to a giggling bearded nutter in a tophat alternating between giggling and a strained straight face.

...Sorry.

Then I had the paranoias all the way home for some reason expecting the cops to get me on the way home. (walking, not driving).

Drugs, aye? I don't really do 'em anymore. Prefer having my head under my own control.
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 13:51, closed)

I know you haven't been around as much as usual lately, Spimf...

Hopefully this awesome post announces your full-time comeback with a vengeance!

*Clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 19:06, closed)

praise from pooflake indeed!
cheers pal... and also to all who have taken the time to read comment and click on my inane drivel, you've made it rocket to 2nd EDIT: 1st place in my 'best answers'.

and remember... i still have to live with that nutter woman described above - shes now my wife, the mother of my son and i love her very very much.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 7:08, closed)

*clicks*
For all of the above, but especially the last sentence of this last reply - you strike me as a stand-up bloke, sir
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 21:47, closed)

*click*
This had me laughing like a loon...excellent timing too - just last night I popped over to see the ex.

She was very drunk so I hung about to make sure she was ok, rolled a spliff, then she said "let me have some of that..." 3 tokes later and she's laying on the couch chanting "I feel sick, I feel sick...don't leave me on my own..."

The current SO moans about having kids - she should try looking after a 45 year old kid.
( snee held his breath since, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 8:42, closed)