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This is a question Weddings Part II

Attending a wedding is like being handed a licence to act like a twat. Oh how I laughed when I sobered up and realised I'd nicked most of the plates and cutlery from the posh hotel lunch and those vague memories of stealthily exiting like a cat-burglar had in fact involved falling out of the hotel, knives and forks clattering onto the steps.

Tell us more of your wedding stories.

(, Mon 3 Nov 2014, 18:10)
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Always the bridesmaid
I was once appointed Chief of Bridesmaid Operations of Honor or whatever the fuck menas most important person after the bride and groom at a wedding (best man can fuck right off). Now, I wasn't in chagre of the rings or keeping the Vicar sober but I did have one vital responsibility (apparently) that I failed in miserably. 'Keep the bride presentable'

Now, I ask you, is it my fault that, with ten minutes to go till kick off, the bride developed a rampant case of the shits? Would that we had a disabled toilet to hand with the requisite space and,er, propping-stuff-up poles. But no, the archaic country church the happy couple chose provided merely a tall shoebox space that threatened the occupancy of a single bridal bumcheek, let alone the complete arse and metric fuckton of unecessary lace that was enough to spare blushes in another dimension.

And, again, is it my fault that said Bride was born without the necessary Mr Fantastic arms to do the post-pebble-dashing duty? NO. It was left to me and a Crystal Maze worthy assault course of porcelain and lace with a shit-encrusted 'jewel' to ensure the bride wasn't walking up the aisle with the leftovers of her own generous 'aisle' flecked all over her lacy derriere like a rejected Stone Roses album cover. I failed and Bride of Frankenshite was born.
(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 15:15, 11 replies)
You're a total let down. CLICK

(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 15:24, closed)
Wait . . .
are you saying you had to wipe the brides liquid shit splattered arse for her?

I don't know whether to be horrified or to ask Rome to cannonise you.
(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 15:41, closed)
Tell us more about your fetishes.

(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 16:02, closed)
That's next weeks
(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 16:36, closed)
i don't know whether she is
but i can tell you that i also had to help my friend yank her bridal knickers back up after she also got a last minute case of the shit panics. this is because the dress was so voluminous in terms of skirts and laces and other such things.

i didn't have to wipe anything, but i had to fucking smell it, and i had my nose planted right in her butt cheek trying to find the other side of the pants.

we've been best mates for 30 years. that was the definite low point.

the last wedding i went to, the bride wore a knee length dress. i was most relieved.
(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 18:33, closed)
Most relieved?
technically the bride was relieved of more than you.
(, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 14:14, closed)
Oh, god: that's horrible.
(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 16:34, closed)

(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 17:38, closed)
because of correct scat to hummus ratio.
(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 18:28, closed)
click for the imagery

(, Mon 17 Nov 2014, 19:14, closed)

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