Not me but a friend of mine . . . .
I used to fancy this guy, let's call him Gary for that is his name. Gary was a glazier. My best friend, Zoe, and I used to hang about and chat about guys and stuff and I told her about Gary The Glazier and my mahoosive crush on him (he used to look like Dermot O'Leary*)! Months and months later we saw him in town and in a very girly way I said "Oooooh, it's him! It's Gary Black (for that is his full name)!", "Who?" said a confused Zoe. "Gary! Gary Black! The Gary! You know, Gary The Glazier!", She started looking even more confused, eyebrow lifting etc. "Why do you keep saying Gary Black?" she asked. Starting to get confused myself I said "Um, because that's his name. . .", "I thought his name was Gary Iglesias, you know, like Enrique". Doh!

My own stupid fault for giving all my acquaintances nicknames.

*He no longer looks like Dermot O'Leary, more like Homer Simpson.
(GsterMum, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Balls out!
I go swimming quite a bit. In fact, I've just come back from a lunchtime dip, which reminded me of this.

I like to think I get dressed in a logical manner. Underpants first, then shirt, then trousers, then socks and finally jumper, if I'm wearing one. If I'm wearing a t-shirt, or a shirt which isn't tucked into my trousers, then I'll put it on after my trousers are on. As I say, logical. At least to my mind.

But I've witnessed some odd behaviour in the swimming pool changing rooms. The oddest of which is the bloke who wears a suit to work. When he gets dressed after swimming, he puts the top half on first. He'll put his shirt on, knot his tie, then start combing his hair. Meanwhile, his cock is dangling free in the breeze being, as he is, completely naked from the waist down. I'd like to tell him he's doing it wrong* but I've no intentions of being regarded as a willy watcher or something.



*strictly speaking this question should be 'You're doing it wrongly'. RIP adverbs.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 13:31, 17 replies)

I used to think
the word 'Several' was used for things relating to 7

until someone made me think of the several equilivant of 6.

I was about 22 when I made this startling discovery.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Moon
Until three days ago, I'd always thought the various phases of the moon were caused as the Earth's shadow passed across the Moon.

It was only on Friday as I sat in the park drinking cocktails and saw the Sun and the Moon in the same sky that something in my brain said: 'that doesn't make sense...'

We eventually modelled the movements of the Earth, Moon and Sun using limes and worked out how it actually works...
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 12:09, 14 replies)

Wise men say "Only fools rush in",
But I can't help falling in love with you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 11:15, 7 replies)

not my story
but I will tell it anyway.

My friend was in Ibiza a few years back, he had spent the evening at Cafe Del Mar famed for its glorious sunsets. He then went out and - as you do partied hard, until it started to get light again.

Suddenly he had a great idea - lets see the Sunrise!

...at cafe del Mar.

So him and his friend walked off into the night, down to the beach and sat and waited outside Cafe del mar -which was now closed. They waited, and waited... it was getting lighter, so they waited a little more.

But there was no sunrise, they were met with a slightly dull blue horizon.

It took them a good hour to realise why there was no sunrise on that beach that morning.

** Edit: sorry for the lack of clarity

The sun sets infront of Cafe Del Mar. it rises on the other side of the island... not infront of Cafe Del Mar.

They were expecting to see the Sun re-emerge from the horizon from where it slipped down 8 hrs previous.

He blamed the drugs for not realising.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 11:12, 5 replies)

I used to love that Rolling Stones song
Apparently the art of mishearing songs is so common it has its own term - mondegreen*. I'm sure a lot of people are aware of 'the girl with colitis goes by' as the alternative lyrics to Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. If you weren't, you are now.

Anyway, my parents were (shockingly) fans of both the Beatles and Stones, so I heard them both a lot growing up, and while I never particularly liked the Beatles, or heard the colitis thing, I was a fan of the rather haunting refrains of a certain Stones song, and would sit and listen to Goodbye, Rude Bitch Oozy over and over again.
I never read album covers so I was 15 before I figured it out.



*Also, reading that I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one who thought it was 'my ears are alight'.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 11:06, 12 replies)

I called the wrong number
A few weeks ago, whilst I was working, a rude belligerent woman decided that she would steal whatever merchandise she was arguing with my cashier about.

Well, in today's politically correct world and in keeping with my company's "soft-stop approach," I couldn't physically stop her. So I told her if she left I would call the police. The bitch left, so I called. Seeing as how I had her name and no one's life was in danger, I didn't call 911, I called the dispatch number.

That was wrong. The unkind gentleman "politely" informed me that I was to call 911 and promptly hung up. So I called 911.

Wrong number #2. The extremely unkind gentleman at 911 berated me for calling the emergency number when there was no emergency. I told him I called the non-emergency number first and told to call 911, he called me a liar and hung up.

So what did I do? Fuck all is what I did, I e-mailed my boss and forgot all about it until today, when I get to work and see and e-mail sent friday about who to call in the event of a shoplifter. I'm supposed to call 911 and not get off the line until an officer arrives. Fuck that shit, fuck it hard. It seems to me that calling the cops is the wrong thing to do.

Length? You love it, you filthy thing you.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 0:01, 15 replies)

Doing it wrong turns into doing it right
Last week my friend and I got a lesson in how to gamble in Colorado, because we were doing it wrong.

We started playing a slot machine that someone had left 15 cents on. We didn't think much of it, because:
(A) The casino was one of those cheap bastards that spits out $1 tokens for you to cash, and any smaller denominations get left in the machine. TONS of machines there had a few cents on them.
(B) The couple that had been playing the machine had left fifteen minutes earlier, and if they still wanted it one of them should have stayed with the machine. Anyone who has gambled in Vegas knows that you never leave a machine that's paying out, even if you have to wear adult diapers. That's why Harrah's smells like old-person pee.

Anyway, we put $3 in it and played for about ten minutes - getting up to a whole $3.90 - before the couple came back. They were redneck trash, imagine the husband as the 'sugar water' alien guy in Men In Black: "That's my wife's machine."

So they got the casino employees involved, and said that we had engaged in gaming theft because they had left $15 on the machine, and his wife wanted the machine back. I'm not sure if they were so wasted that they really thought they had fifteen dollars on the machine (in which case I have no idea why they both walked away from it, other than the wasted thing), or if they were trying to scam us.

What we didn't know is that Colorado has a law that you can not play any machine with credits on it, because they don't allow smoking in casinos and addicts don't want to cash out and leave a machine every time they want a smoke.

In the end we had to give them a $10 settlement and give the machine back. Completely infuriated over the absurdity of the Colorado gaming system laws, we went to a casino across the street where my friend proceeded to win $253. While we waited outside for the valet to bring our car, I said "wouldn't it be awesome if we saw those people again, and said 'thanks, because you kicked me off that machine I went and played another one and won $253!'"

At which point the couple walked out of the casino across the street, and my friend yelled exactly that at them.


(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 21:17, 4 replies)

I like breasts

( WormuIus, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 19:58, 6 replies)

I once mispronounced Helen Keller's name.
She was too polite to say anything.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 18:38, 1 reply)

More fun with names
While working as an EFL teacher in a language school near Bournemouth, I once had to teach a class of Thai teenagers. One of them was called Unn.

I pronounced the initial u as in put. After two weeks of teaching him, I found out that it should have been like the u in gun. And I was also told that the way I said it was the Thai word for "fart"*. And the poor kid had been too polite to correct his teacher.


*I am open to correction on this from anyone here who knows Thai.
(lolwhites, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 18:34, 9 replies)

There's a lot of stories about
getting names wrong going round, and I've just been reminded of a guy from Hong Kong we had over on a 3 month visit to our office a few years back.

He was introduced to all and sundry as Mr Lee. We invited him out for a pub lunch, and I got chatting to him. He gave me his Hong Kong business card so I could contact him about some work he was interested in once he'd gone back, and I was a bit confused:

Stanley Young

'Why's everyone been calling you Mr Lee then?'
'I introduced myself to your CEO as Stanley the first time I met him, and I think he thinks I'm Stan Lee'
'Why don't you correct him?'
'I did, but he seems to have forgotten. It's no big deal.'

It turned out hotel reservations, UK email addresses, and absolutely anything which we'd organised and which required a name, was as Mr. Stan Lee. We'd effectively rechristened him, and sensibly, he'd just gone along with it to avoid problems.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 15:56, 2 replies)

Apparently 18
is a minimum!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 15:50, 9 replies)

Petrol and a bonfire + More

I was only about 7 or 8 when I wandered down to the bonfire area of the garden, upon where I found my dad getting the wood ready for lighting.

The problem was that the wood was ever so slightly damp so he was having a job getting it going, off he trots to the garage and comes back with a large jam-jar full of petrol and proceeds to chuck it on the small amount of flames there were.

WOOOOSH!!!

He turns around to see his only son bright red with no eyebrows and most of his fringe missing.

His words will never be forgotten.... Don't tell your mum.

--------------------------

You know how these days your parents 99% of parents wouldn't let their child have an airgun at 14? well I had a 12g Shotgun at 12! I was and still am a bit of a gun nut though.

--------------------------

He let Derek Bell take me round Oulton Park aged 11/12 in a Vauxhall Astra GTE full spec rally car.


There's loads more but you're probably bored enough already.

I'm amazed I got to be in my teens to be honest.
(Kip, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 15:28, 4 replies)

Seeing it in a new light
Earlier this year, whilst redecorating my sisters old room my father chanced upon an old lamp she had not taken with her when she moved out.

Said lamp was a decent desk lamp, just what he needed for the study. A week later I walk in from
work and find dear old dad sat at the computer, with the lamp shining directly at the screen.

"Why is the lamp shining at the screen?" I ask.
"So I can see what I'm doing!" explains dad as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I went on to explain that the computer screen gave off it's own light and that he was actualy making it harder to see.

Silly old bugger!
(Mong goose, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Laurel and Hardy
While sat in my car in the supermarket car park the other day I witnessed this.

Two men, a big fat one and a skinny one, had bought the biggest TV I had ever seen and were rolling it towards their van balanced on 2 trollies. They had cleary decided to bring a van to transport this monster as it wouldn't have fitted in a car. So one of them opens the sliding door at the side of the van, but unfortunately the car next to them is parked too close and they can't get the TV in.

So they stand there and scratch their heads, and do a lot of pointing and nodding, then they pick up the TV again and start to lift it over the parked car, being very careful not to slide it on the roof. They strain to lift the box up over the car, one of them either side, arms at full stretch, knees quivering with the effort. Finally they get the TV in position and start to ease it into the van - thin bloke goes inside.

But for some reason it won't go straight inside - I can't see what's in there to block it - and they have to twist the box around. So thin guy's inside the van and fat bloke is outside, leaning right over the car, trying to twist the box around, sweating buckets and turning red. Eventually he leans it on the car roof, rushes round to be in between car and van, and gets underneath the box, lifting it manfully with much gurning and red-faced puffing.

The giant telly is finally slid into the van, they slide the door shut and relax with hands on knees, blowing out their cheeks, wiping foreheads etc. as they recover. Then slim guy gets in to the driver's seat, but fatty can't open the door wide enough to get in, because of the parked car. After a lot of gesticulating the driver finally has the bright idea of reversing the van out of the parking place so the fat guy can climb in. Easy. He reverses out, fat bloke opens the door and climbs in.

But before they drive off they want to check the TV's in position. So fatty quickly hops out, opens up the sliding door, and quickly repositions the TV by partially sliding it out and back in.

Now why didn't they just move the van in the first place? And why didn't they open the back doors? Well at least it kept me entertained for 10 minutes.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 14:00, 4 replies)

Mistaken identity...
I've been with my boyfriend for ten years, and I always wondered why his mother - Wendy - didn't like me very much.

Last year, he finally got round to telling me that her name is Liz.
(Punkygirl, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 13:13, 2 replies)

Dog day evening ?
After a particularly boring brain dead 12 hour shift at work yesterday, I went home in the pouring rain ...stood under a brolly whilst letting my two nutty dogs run around for 10 mins on the garden (one chases dicky birds to the point where I swear she nearly takes off and flys along WITH them, the other more grown up doggy plods along sniffing and spraying along the outer edge of the garden - sneaking into the neighbours when I'm not looking and chases their cat).

Anyhoo, still in brain dead mode, I give the dogs their tea and make myself a cuppa before finally relaxing in front of the tv with laptop on knee ... position assumed for the rest of the evening ...or so it should be.

The tv won't come on, I glance at my alarm clock and notice that is off too 'Maybe the electic went off in that stormy rainy weather earlier' I puzzled to myself. No fear, I have full battery on my laptop so I'm good for a couple of hours anyway... so I set about searching on the internet for 'electricity supply outage - Yorkshire' to find out wtf is happening (the last time this happened some nutter/14 year old had fried himself climbing a pylone leaving our area without electricity for a couple of hours while they scraped what was left of him off).

I couldn't find anything on t'internet, so waited a while for my son to come home thinking maybe he might have been dicking about with the electrics again (previously he had wired up the outhouse lightswitch to run a 4 gang extension cable off and was merrily mig welding his car with it after changing the fuse wire in the main box from 5 amp to some ridiculously high ampage - this gave me nightmares for weeks, he could have burnt the bloody house down ffs !!!).

Anyway, there I am ...drinking my cuppa pondering what to do next when it suddenly dawns on me 'How the feck did I make a cuppa if I haven't got any electric??' ... at which point I realise that there hasn't been an 'electricity supply outage - Yorkshire' but my eldest dog had pished on the extension cable and blown the pishing fuse and quite probably got a nasty cock shock in the process - that'll teach the dirty beggar!! :D
( tubbylittletitwitch ... is still trying to drop a twatting norfleet on, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 10:46, 7 replies)

Alright Chris?
A few years back, I used to do a proper job i.e worked in an office, answering phones, filing, nicking stationery etc. There was another guy, Chris, who worked on the same floor as me, but in a different office. We were separated by a walkway on which were situated the shitters and the lifts.

Chris was a bit short, a bit dumpy and with receding hair. Nice bloke. Very nice bloke as it goes. He actually went to the same school as me, but was a few years older, so our paths had never crossed.

One afternoon, I walked across the walkway. Random guy walks past;
'Alright Chris?'.
'Oh, I'm not Chris. I'm TH from Accounts.'
'Oh Sorry. You look just like him.'
'Eh? Really? But he's a short, fat, baldy cunt.'

...30 seconds (if that) later, our paths cross again.....

'Alright Chris?'
'Still TH, not Chris'
'Oh..ha ha..sorry'

....a few minutes later, I see him again on a different floor..

'Alright Chris?'
'Me again'.

To be fair, he did face-palm. I couldn't understand why he could be so sure we looked so similar when Chris was a bit short, dumpy and ugly, and I'm a t'interweb Brad Bit lookey-likey.

In the last 5 years, after I'd left the company, I've seen this same guy twice. Both times, he's said....
(Tighthead, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 22:56, 2 replies)

I guess I am doing it wrong after all
When our hospital first started using e-mail, I could never sign myself in. The computer refused to recognize me and I swore it knew and refused to work for me. Other people had to log in for me and only then could I read my email.

This went on for a year, calling the IT people every other day, begging for help, having them remotely log me in. One day, one of the (now familiar) IT guys said, "Let me come over and watch you, maybe you're doing it wrong." I was grossly insulted at the thought I couldn't type my own damn name and almost refused. However, I relented and he arrived to look over my shoulder.

Originally I had watched someone show me how to get my email. In order to get to my login, they hit the space bar. I had not realized that was their own idiosyncrasy and was smacking the spacebar after putting the cursor in the right space. I was typing "[space]tdub" instead of "tdub".

I had no idea the two phrases were different. The IT guy facepalmed and put me to rights. I never lived it down; I was 36 at the time. ALL of the IT guys after that knew me by my first name.


Ok, at the risk of being flamed as Americanly stupid, why DO the lids of things in tubes have a recessed pointy bit built into them?
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 22:53, 1 reply)

'nuf said

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 21:06, 4 replies)

A tale of three counties
For far too long I thought I lived on the border of three counties. 'Berkshire', 'Barkshire' and 'Buckinghamshire'....
(Turbo Blackbeard And then squirry the squirrel went nee nee nee nee, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 19:32, Reply)

I bought a nice new flat screen TV ready for the World Cup
The TV arrived and I unpacked it and set it up. Looked awesome! Went and got my laptop and connected it up to the telly, as I have a program on there which cycles through the different colours to test for dead pixels. I ran the program.

Blue screen - no dead pixels! yay!
Red screen - no dead pixels! yay!
Green screen - no dead pixels! yay!

Very happy bunny. Disconnected the laptop and settled down to enjoy a movie.

About 30 minutes later it suddenly dawned on me. My nice new 46" screen is a plasma, not an LCD...
( calibrax loves teh hamsters (not in that way), Sat 17 Jul 2010, 17:18, 4 replies)

Not my story, but a lad from work's story......
Drunken facebook'ing is never the best idea. Drunken facebook'ing and looking up your ex is never a good idea. Accidentally typing your ex's name into your status update instead of the search section and not noticing for a few days is just plain stupid.

It was his current Mrs who pointed his mistake out to him.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 17:01, 2 replies)

When I was very small and at primary school, in the late 80s
We had a big world map on the wall of the classroom.

One of the larger words on it was Czechoslovakia.

For about five years (until the map was removed and replaced with an updated one), I thought this word was pronounced 'Yugoslavia'.

I remain, to this day, terrible at Geography.
(Chris Tarrant's Annoying Chuckle, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 16:13, Reply)

I was walking from a bus stop to my work place one saturday morning
and had to walk across a road with some traffic lights. There's one car waiting at the lights patiently with some bloke sitting at the wheel.

Wait a minute, that's Rob, haven't seen him since college. He used to be a great laugh was Rob. I know, let's run over to him.

So like the skipping chubby lard arse that I am, I gracefully glide across the road and as I'm about to pass his car I leggit upto his window and start banging it like a pleb while shouting "ROB YOU DOPEY TWAT WAKE UP!!!!"

And then from the look of shock on this guy who is not Rob's face...

".....if you were Rob. Um, this could be embarrasing" says I as I realize it's not Rob at all.

In fairness the guy wound the window down then smiled the biggest grin imaginable while shouting "Ahahahahaha, you plum!" before driving off through the now green light.

Ah well, he could've twatted me with a mallet so I'd say that was still a result.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 15:47, 2 replies)

Amorous Badger in QOTW FAIL SHOCKER
After reading this post by Strump about how a little girl is better at hooking up a ps3 than him, I was amused to see a (now-deleted) reply by our very own Amorous Badger in which he said something to the effect of

"So your story is 'I can connect up a PS3 wirelessley'"

I chuckled and left the below reply (visible only in my profile due to ABs shameful deletion)



I logged back on his afternoon and saw AB posted an answer of his own and thought "Yippee he has been active on b3ta so he has proably read my disarming non-confrontational response. I wonder what dubious defence he will throw up along with a deconstruction of my character based on slighty creepy internet-stalkage".

But alas, comment deleted and replaced meaning the badger admits wrongness AND is so ashamed of it he cannot let anybody see it!

Thought you lot might have liked to read about this little adventure!
(tubeman trousers, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 15:30, 18 replies)

doctors
after slicing my arm open on a bottle several years ago, i was taken to hospital and had the wound stitched up. i thought this would be the end of the matter, but it was not to be so. i began to feel pain in my elbow, an inch from where i'd been cut. after another trip to the hospital, an x-ray and some questions, it turned out that the doctor who sewed my arm up was supposed to have sent me for an x-ray at the time, to make sure there was no glass in my arm. he didn't and there was. despite the pain it was causing me, i was told it was too small to bother taking out.
yeah, i'd say they did that wrong. it's still in there and it still hurts.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 14:33, 6 replies)