so I'm walking through the estate last night
and there's these two little girls arguing about their dads
'my dad does heroin'
'well my dad does crack cocaine'
I need to move out of the ghetto

what do your kids say about you? before you coached them for that visit from the social?
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:51, archived)

They remind me of all the women I've raped.

( SuperMatt, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:52, archived)

women children
( Lightguy hail satan, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)

I've got a cat, but no children, does that help?
Ooh, cactuses. I have cactuses.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:52, archived)

The plural of cactus is "loads of spikey hoors!"

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:54, archived)

MY CATS HAVE A NEW CAT FLAP
they hate it :(
( sleepybinky, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:55, archived)

PUSH THEM THROUGH

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 15:09, archived)

i did and then they wouldnt come in all night
and then this morning i let them in through the door (sigh) and then jasper tried shoulder surfing on my sister and she had to go to her new job with blood on her blouse cos he always uses his claws POOR BABA.
( sleepybinky, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 15:10, archived)

Don't have any, don't want any
And unless Asexual reproduction becomes the new thing I won't have any. It's a win/win situation
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:52, archived)

I was putting rubbish in the bins behind our flats
and some kids called me a bin raider. For putting rubbish into a bin.

I blame the schools. Not teaching them right from wrong and in from out.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)

"Jimmy, where you going?"
"I'm off in to go see Jack, and we're getting a take-towards and watching his new DVD, "Daytime Away From The Museum"."
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:56, archived)

You...
...you live on ...an estate?!?

*goes to wash hands* Oh god, I can still smell povvo on me D:
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)

It's too late for you now
You're going to spend all your money on cans of Spesh and waste your life chasing children around the park.
( SuperMatt, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:54, archived)

Also:
When the social nurse came over when I was a bub to do motor skills tests on me she poured Hundreds & Thousands on my carpet and ask me to pick them up but I just called her 'DIRTY!' and ran and hid under my bed behind my inflatable He-Man punchbag.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:55, archived)

That's great.
That's just what you want, vacuuming up a load of sprinkles. Why couldn't she have done it on a table?
( Bats, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:56, archived)

I was a very fast, honest child.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:58, archived)

I have no children.
I have some pot plants in the kitchen. I'm sure they bitch about me when I'm not around.
( Bats, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)

my children say "FAAAATHEEEER, LOOOOOOVEEE MEEEEEEE" shortly before i disconnect their power supplies

( Lightguy hail satan, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)

no kids, sorry
my littles bruvver would say i was cool though
( manolith hooray for me, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)