You should get one of those European toilets with the shit platform.
Your excrement sits there so you can inspect it before you flush. We had one in Croatia a couple of years ago, the turd I laid after a black risotto was blacker than the Disaster Area stunt ship.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:11, archived)

Ze Germans love a shit platform bog don't they
The dirty old bollockses
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:17, archived)

When my German housemates moved in with me in 1998
the first thing Oliver did was replace the toilet seat with his oh-so-hilarious barbed-wire-in-transparent-plastic one. He took it away when he left. When I visited them in Emden ten years later, it was still in use. They got divorced later, I'm pretty sure he'll have got custody.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:23, archived)

I had one of those in my first place
In '97. Made my boyfriend very uncomfortable, which was exactly the point.
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:18, archived)

Should Mrs Tea and I ever get divorced,
I'm going to make sure I get custardy.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:36, archived)

Get custard in your ears and you'll be a trifle deaf!!!

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:07, archived)

Har har! That's totally dibnah!!!

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 22 Oct 2025, 18:38, archived)

The dutch too, when i was there at least. The shit shelf.

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:29, archived)

Ball slapper
When your turd stands on end on the shit shelf, then teeters over and slaps your balls.
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:05, archived)

When your turd stands on end on the shit shelf, then teeters over and slaps your balls. a cha cha chaa
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:18, archived)

GERMAN SHITMAGS

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:22, archived)