I've been sent a bowel cancer screening kit by the NHS
By looks of it, I have to dig around in my shit and post it to them. Why have *you* lost all sense of human dignity lately?
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 13:44, archived)

If I can't get a suitable shit out, I might have to hover like that for the whole afternoon

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 13:52, archived)

That's what Hitler said

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 13:57, archived)

I'm threatening to over-stool him

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:15, archived)

I would have thought it would be their job to screen you for bowel cancer. This DIY approach doesn't sit well with me.
What's next, they'll be asking you to do your own brain surgery?
( Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:00, archived)

It's lazy, is what it is, Aardvark.
Don't tolerate it.
( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:01, archived)

He did his own prostate exam too.
No-one asked him to do it
( Woo Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:57, archived)

I was just trying to help

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:07, archived)

The exam was alright
But the revision was a nightmare
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:48, archived)

When I last did that they "lost" the sample.
I don't bother with anything NHS now - worthless cretins. They keep bugging me about submitting blood pressure readings. They get told to jog on.
( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:00, archived)

Lol old

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:15, archived)

Stop talking shit, Trouser

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:00, archived)

I used to like the NHS, but them losing that one stool sample has completely destroyed my faith in all modern medicine.
#MAHA #BringBackLeeches
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:03, archived)

clicky

( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:39, archived)

They don't lose the samples, it's all a scam by some German scat fetishist who wants everyone to send him their poo.
( Woo Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:00, archived)

Moser is back

( mongychops, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:10, archived)

That is me m8

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:03, archived)

'brown gold'

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 21:46, archived)

texture like sun

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 23:02, archived)

Heave a Brown

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 23:35, archived)

Out of your bum

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Thu 23 Oct 2025, 0:40, archived)

I did my own brain surgery
And I turned out just spatula
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:53, archived)

Well don't go moaning to them when you have a massive stroke

( Woo Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:59, archived)

I'm having a massive stroke as I trpsad ashaf acn

( Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:59, archived)

I didn't say I don't have a GP at all :-p

( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Thu 23 Oct 2025, 0:15, archived)

I've done one of those
it was quite simple, don't be such a fanny
(sticklebrlcks that's Mr Bricks to you 🍎, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:00, archived)

I'm not claiming it's a complex procedure

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:11, archived)

You should get one of those European toilets with the shit platform.
Your excrement sits there so you can inspect it before you flush. We had one in Croatia a couple of years ago, the turd I laid after a black risotto was blacker than the Disaster Area stunt ship.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:11, archived)

Ze Germans love a shit platform bog don't they
The dirty old bollockses
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:17, archived)

When my German housemates moved in with me in 1998
the first thing Oliver did was replace the toilet seat with his oh-so-hilarious barbed-wire-in-transparent-plastic one. He took it away when he left. When I visited them in Emden ten years later, it was still in use. They got divorced later, I'm pretty sure he'll have got custody.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:23, archived)

I had one of those in my first place
In '97. Made my boyfriend very uncomfortable, which was exactly the point.
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:18, archived)

Should Mrs Tea and I ever get divorced,
I'm going to make sure I get custardy.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:36, archived)

Get custard in your ears and you'll be a trifle deaf!!!

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:07, archived)

Har har! That's totally dibnah!!!

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 22 Oct 2025, 18:38, archived)

The dutch too, when i was there at least. The shit shelf.

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:29, archived)

Ball slapper
When your turd stands on end on the shit shelf, then teeters over and slaps your balls.
( Invisible Wizard - 12th Level Errorer, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:05, archived)

When your turd stands on end on the shit shelf, then teeters over and slaps your balls. a cha cha chaa
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:18, archived)

GERMAN SHITMAGS

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:22, archived)

Because I'm still posting here after well over 20 years.

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 22 Oct 2025, 14:22, archived)

I did a spunk, and shit came out my helmit

( Cheers Cheers, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:02, archived)

"Congratulations, you don't have bowel cancer. And, you're pregnant!"

(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:04, archived)

It's my birthday
And I have a grand total of one birthday card. My "best friend" was supposed to be taking me for a meal this evening, but she got paid yesterday and spent the whole night on it with her prick of a boyfriend. She'll be passed out on his bed by now.
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:52, archived)

Happy Birthday!
I don't have any friends, just dependents and some casual acquaintances I see in the pub. Friends are shit and rubbish
( Woo Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:12, archived)

Thanks
Going for a meal with my parents instead
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:16, archived)

The baby has been singing happy birthday to me for 3 hours
Dad doesn't want to go out, so I'm going for a meal with my mum and sister
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:01, archived)

Happy birthday!
Do something good and not something shit.
( Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:21, archived)

Hpbd m8

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:08, archived)

Things took a turn for the worse
We had to go through a shopping centre to get to the restaurant. Mum stumbled and fell and has most likely broken her arm. 2+hours waiting for an ambulance so far, we can't move her, she's in too much pain.
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:35, archived)

:(

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 22 Oct 2025, 21:51, archived)

Blocked the so-called "friend"
After giving her a mouthful, of course
( Smash Monkey 2 Anyone know a good therapist in South Africa?, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 22:57, archived)

Oh fuck

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 23:05, archived)

Just do it. Really pisses me off when people don't bother and then come in with symptoms of deadly bum cancer and I'm all like "Great, so now I have to prod your bumhole AND you still have to do the shit in the post thing anyway".

( Woo Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 15:55, archived)

Think it should be just poo it . Nike might complain tho

( mongychops, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 16:29, archived)

I've done it
I don't have to like it
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:11, archived)

You gonna go see the Wu tang?

( mongychops, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 18:06, archived)

might leave that in the past
saw a near full crew lineup in some weird club in Leicester Square in the 90s, it was fucking amazing and there's no way another outing will be as good. Not sure though, you?
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 19:11, archived)

Dunno. I've seen the videos

( mongychops, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 19:57, archived)

It'll make a nice change posting it to someone that actually asked for it

( broadsword now that's fresh, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:06, archived)

Something a bit different I suppose

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 17:10, archived)

I just want to say well done all, this thread was very good

( vladimir, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:22, archived)

NOT something it's been possible to say all that often recently eh

( vladimir, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:22, archived)

Calm down vlad

( mongychops, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 21:13, archived)

xxxxxx mongy xxxxxxx

( vladimir, Fri 24 Oct 2025, 20:24, archived)

I genuinely don't think I could do that without throwing up.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 20:34, archived)

Bruv it was 'not ideal'
And I forgot to post it so I have a tiny swab of my faeces in my coat pocket. As I say, not ideal
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 23:43, archived)

It's certainly sub-optimal at best.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 23:43, archived)

Sub-prime, one might say

( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Wed 22 Oct 2025, 23:58, archived)

alright Bob Todd

(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Thu 23 Oct 2025, 10:56, archived)

lol

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Fri 24 Oct 2025, 1:41, archived)