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# Taxonomically speaking...
monkey is a bit of a meaningless term. If you try and define a monophyletic group encompassing all monkeys (Ie. old world and new world), then apes are monkeys.
(JamesG, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 10:38, archived)
# Yeah, just what I was thinking.
Pfft.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Howdy, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 10:41, archived)
# Ooh yeah, you get cladistic on they asses
where do I re-click?
(I helped save b3ta! Van Da Graph is sufferng wth an intermttent 'i' key, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 10:42, archived)
# It's easy
Does it have a tail?

Yes: Monkey.
No: Ape.

Anything more complicated than that can be kept to your hooty-tooty-high-falootin' ivory-towered senior common rooms.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:03, archived)
# Barbary Ape.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:03, archived)
# Manx Cat
(I helped save b3ta! Van Da Graph is sufferng wth an intermttent 'i' key, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:16, archived)
# aka "MANX APE"
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:55, archived)
# KEEP IT TO YOUR HOOTY-TOOTY-HIGH-FALOOTIN' IVORY-TOWERED SENIOR COMMON ROOMS
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:23, archived)
# tiger!
got a tail therefore monkey?
(I helped save b3ta! real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:46, archived)
#
b3ta.com/board/10674559
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:47, archived)
# so, not a monkey then?
is this what you're saying?
(I helped save b3ta! real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:48, archived)
#
Got it in one! I see a bright future for you.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:27, archived)
# if i'm honest, i had to ask my wife to explain what you were getting at
(I helped save b3ta! real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:54, archived)
# Confucious once said "Stupid man with wise wife is wise man"
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 13:18, archived)
# Oh what
That means my cat is a monkey? The missus is not going to be happy...
(It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday! Cassius Kray floats like a butterfly, stings like a trout, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:29, archived)
# I feel I should have added a few previous questions
Is it a cat?

Yes: Cat
No: Not cat



Is it a dog?

Yes: Dog
No: Not dog



Is it your girlfriend?

Yes: Girlfriend
No: Not girlfriend



Does it look like a hairy version of Winston Churchill?

Yes: Monkey or ape
No: Not monkey or ape
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:40, archived)
# Well, it sure looks like a cat...
But it's smoking a cigar... hmmm...

This is going to take some time.
(It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday! Cassius Kray floats like a butterfly, stings like a trout, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:45, archived)
# A cat smoking a cigar is still a cat
And a squirrel with tits is still a squirrel.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:46, archived)
# By Jove, I think I've got it
You should write books on these types of things.
(It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday!It's my b3taday! Cassius Kray floats like a butterfly, stings like a trout, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:50, archived)
# You know, that's a smashing idea
I'll send you a signed copy
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:29, archived)
# What does it mean
if your girlfriend has a tail?
(I helped save b3ta! Van Da Graph is sufferng wth an intermttent 'i' key, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 11:58, archived)
# It means that any day soon her gorilla husband is gonna call round
(I helped save b3ta! CanonCaliber A big bore, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:11, archived)
# yiff yiff grr meow
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:30, archived)
# This is utter bollocks
incidentally.
(I helped save b3ta! LordManley twitter.com/LordManley, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:06, archived)
# I'm sorry a post on a puerile digital arts community doesn't match up to the standards of academic rigour you might expect
I shall try harder next time
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:28, archived)
# Not really, no
generally, it's more like this:

Does it have a tail?

No: old world monkey
Yes: new world monkey

but there must be some exceptions to this rule
(I helped save b3ta! mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:10, archived)
# Hmm
Does it have a tail?

Yes: primate with tail
No: primate without tail
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:29, archived)
# You're both wrong
Does it have a tail?

Yes: Fuck it
No: Finger it
(I helped save b3ta! Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:38, archived)
# Does it have a tail?

Don't care.
*skullfucks*
(I helped save b3ta! mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 12:55, archived)
# ahaha
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jan 2012, 13:18, archived)