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# hallo thar frank! we like you.
and... threadjack! here's my letter to barbara, which i will send in a moment if no-one has any amendments to suggest:

Barbara@-------- wrote:

'Sick Bastard

These are the most frightening things I have ever seen and you should be
ashamed of yourself. You are absolutely sick.'

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Barbara:

I received your email and I have no idea what could prompt such anger and vitriol. 'Sick bastard'? I have never in my life referred to anyone in such a harsh manner and I can only speculate on what could have happened to you to address someone you know nothing about in this fashion.

Charity is very important to me - I'm a disabled man and have had the good fortune to be rewarded by the positive contributions of others. I believe in giving back to my community, and these masks were intended to benefit children whose families could not afford to stretch their budgets to include Hallowe'en costumes. Originally they'd been intended for friends with two infants but I made the masks too small for them so we thought we'd give them away. How is that sick? They are made of hypoallergenic material and took me hours to create as I specifically wanted to make a Hallowe'en mask that was neither too scary nor too bland and boring. That's what Hallowe'en is about, Barbara - being scary enough to ward off negative spirits while allowing kids to join in on the fun - you do know what the traditions and purposes of Hallowe'en are, correct?

The only sickness I see here is that a small-minded, petty person has poked her nose in where it doesn't belong and harassed and abused me. I showed the friends I made the mask for your email and they were astonished and indignant. 'How dare she assign you negative motives for making these! She must be an idiot!' was their response, and these people, I remind you, have two small children, the very children who are now going to wear the new masks I made them (which are bigger and fit them). They also, without any prompting from me, showed the masks to other parents in their playgroup circle and not one person had any sort of complaint - a few were forwarded your email and they all think you are just a mean, bitter harridan with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

I hope that's not true. I hope, probably in a futile manner, that you simply do not understand that Hallowe'en is meant to be fun for kids (and adults) and that freely offered handicrafts are not Satan's work here on Earth. Some people have speculated that you're a crazy Christian with the common sense of a golf ball and that's what prompted your frothing and misery. Perhaps it's true.

For your information, your email was most distressing and hurtful. Casting aspersions upon my parents is beyond rude, and you need to apologise to me and them. I am not a bastard, and the sixty+ year marriage my parents enjoyed need not be questioned and maligned by shrewish simpletons like you. I am, however, sick - I have terminal cancer and your disgusting, hateful diatribe has done nothing to make my remaining time alive any easier. I demand an apology now and suggest you don't communicate with decent people for some time after this as your noxious behaviour and outlook may be contagious and pollute your surroundings.


Awaiting your apology,

A.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 2:59, archived)
# You had me at
"frothing and misery"
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:02, archived)
# sorry for the solid wall of text there, but I LIEK WERDS.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:03, archived)
# If she doesn´t apologize
start sending her some Goatse.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:03, archived)
# too easy, too predictable.
if i want to really annoy her, i have other options.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:07, archived)
# Like signing in her e-mail addess to the sickest porn site you know?
That´s what Jesus would do.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:09, archived)
# depends on her response.
i'm hoping to prompt her to reveal the things that push her buttons.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:11, archived)
# I'm rissing, so I'll just nod and head for bed.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:04, archived)
# it's an epic now, but it started as a little joke.
if you really want the story, click here some time. otherwise, good night.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:06, archived)
# This is quite possibly the best thing i have ever read.
You really should think about writing a book!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:12, archived)
# haha, only crazy people would read it.
thanks.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:15, archived)
# oh my
is that 16 layers of sarcasm and irony? or 17?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:13, archived)
# 300!
crap, I have some of that bolded in the email for extra fun. i'll edit my post here to show it.

and... bolded.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:16, archived)
# haha
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:38, archived)
# muwahhhahhhahhhhh.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:13, archived)
# sending... now!
i hope i wake up to an angry response tomorrow.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:20, archived)
# she'll probably fall in love with you now.
oh, the places this could go.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:13, archived)
# that would be great!
i'll have her buy me expensive toys and rub my feet.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:19, archived)
# Hahaha
I think it's everything it needs to be.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:14, archived)
# danke, hanke.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:19, archived)
# genius!
I am enjoying this :D
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:16, archived)
# thanks, it's been a strange trip.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:21, archived)
# oh she is going to enjoy that lots.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:24, archived)
# also: i sent it from a newish gmail account that has no ties to anything important.
so if it blows up all crazylike, no big deal.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:25, archived)
# postbear: king of trolls
:)
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:29, archived)
# i nevar done trolled nuthin!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:34, archived)
# Yes.
Should do the trick or treat, LOL.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:35, archived)
# how apt was THAT childhood ditty?
trick or treat!
smell my feet!
give me something
good to eat!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:39, archived)
# Exactly, I knew you would know it.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:51, archived)
# all i can say is...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:42, archived)
# *scratches, sniffs*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:47, archived)
# ha ha...
...*sickness*!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 3:56, archived)
# YES
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 4:09, archived)
# now we'll see how interested she is.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 4:16, archived)
# Personally I'd leave the religion out but go for it :)
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 5:17, archived)
# heh, i left that bit as bait.
if she takes it i'll have funtimes.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 5:25, archived)
# shoulda changed your name to Ratzi Rizzo, man.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 6:15, archived)
# After the muppet or the midget cripple?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 7:16, archived)