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# cheesecake and an email, both delicious.

click for backstory.

after prompting barbara for my expected apology, i received a short, non-response from her. so, to the owner of the firm i sent:

'To whom it may concern (and attention, please, to ______ ___________):

A short while ago I placed advertisements on several internet messageboards offering free Hallowe'en masks for children. I make these masks by hand, from hypoallergenic materials, and have been giving them away for many years. I happened to make some that were too small for the intended recipients this year, so after remaking them I had a few to spare and I posted them hoping that some families who might not be able to afford luxuries like handmade costumes might want them.

The response was wonderful - I gave the masks away to some delighted new parents and am helping them create other accessories to complete the outfits. One email, however, was impossibly rude and mean-spirited, and it came from barbara@___________.ca. Barbara, using language that was harsh and volatile, berated me for my ad and gifts. Needless to say, I was stunned and could not comprehend what would drive her to do this.

Upon some reflection, I asked the parents of the kids for whom I make the masks what they thought of her remarks. To a person they all thought that this Barbara was rude in the extreme and encouraged me to reply in kind. Not being the sort of man who finds rudeness acceptable, I took some time to compose an email to Barbara explaining my motivation and asking for an apology. I also asked for an apology to my parents who she had managed to malign as well in her email. My letter explained my views on charity and why I felt that community spirit was important - I have a terminal illness and have been the recipient of the goodwill of others so giving back what I can is tremendously significant to me.

What response did I get from Barbara? Nothing! Surprised again, I sent a new email to prompt her, and then received another ill-mannered response reinforcing her horrible initial comments that I was 'sick' and 'should be ashamed' of myself.

That clearly indicates to me that further correspondence with Barbara is pointless. She is, however, using your company's reputation to lend weight to her hateful screeds, otherwise she'd not be emailing me from barbara@_____________.ca. This is not acceptable to me at all, and I expect some redressing of this matter from your company else I will be forced to assume that you share this ill-mannered Barbara's noxious opinions.


Awaiting your response,

Andy.


(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 1:56, archived)
# that cheesecake doesn't look delicious
barbara, however, should be cunted squarely in the fuck.
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:00, archived)
# that cheesecake is delicious.
only half remains, less in a few minutes.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:36, archived)
# babs returns !!!!
that will be an entertaining email for them to answer ..
(I helped save b3ta! OneOfSome, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:00, archived)
# Hell hath no fury
like a postbear in the mood for messing with people's minds...
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:01, archived)
# rrawr!
people are more fun than any other toy on the market.

sorry for not replying to all - i like to be personal but my back is killing me and i can't sit and type much. i think i bore people anyway by replying to everyone, but i hate to be rude.

heh.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:07, archived)
# Not rude at all
As a doctor, I prescribe 30ml of hard liquor for your back.
(I helped save b3ta! greedydave cries when he wanks, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:10, archived)
# is there such a thing as soft liquor?
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:13, archived)
# If he's gentle, yes.
(I helped save b3ta! Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:13, archived)
# *eyes up absinthe cache*
fuck the soft liquor, i want drunkenness!
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:17, archived)
# Hurrah!
I've got 2 glasses of wine and a lager left. I think that'll see me over the finishing line.
(I helped save b3ta! greedydave cries when he wanks, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:19, archived)
# i've got my absinthe
2 bottles of whisky and a bottle of rose. i'm saving them for my birthday party.
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:28, archived)
# I've got a tongue like a cat
Not a sensitive lover, but I can sandpaper your shelves.
(I helped save b3ta! greedydave cries when he wanks, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:17, archived)
# please tell me shelves is a euphemism
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:28, archived)
# Hahaha! yes it is!!!
Unfortunately, sandpapering is not.
(I helped save b3ta! greedydave cries when he wanks, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:29, archived)
# bugger.
*hunts for fresh batteries*
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:31, archived)
# I don't want to know where you are going to insert batteries in him.
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:33, archived)
# who said i was going to insert them into him?
now, bend over...
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:36, archived)
# ***Spoiler***
In his anus.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:37, archived)
# How about....
...a hard licker for his front?
(I helped save b3ta! Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 10:37, archived)
# I don't think you've posted her last reply to you here?
 
*idle curiosity*
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:21, archived)
# oh, hai.
"I don't suggest you hold your breath waiting for an apology. I know you
sent me an earlier email but I did not read it so maybe there was an
explanation in there about the masks. I found them to be frightening and
offensive. To suggest you put, what appears to be, a leather torture mask
on an infant is disgusting. Further, to suggest we find a baby with
microcephaly is beyond words. I was, and still am, stunned and appalled.

I now consider this matter closed and I suggest you do not ever threaten
me again. To close your email with a threat is quite fitting with the
taste of the masks."

nice try, barbara. i'm going to lie down on my floor now, be back later.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:27, archived)
# so
she says you're threatening her? if she sees you telling her boss what she's been up to as a threat, she's admitting that what she's doing is wrong. she hasn't got a fucking boat, never mind a paddle.
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:31, archived)
# Oh my! Leather torture!
Babies. What a sick little brain you have Barbara.

*sends go code for healing rays from northern satellite cluster B7*
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:42, archived)
# Hahaha, GDI patented healing rays.
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:44, archived)
# the fact that she can't tell masking tape from leather makes me want to see how she dresses herself.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:35, archived)
# NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
No. No I don't, LOL.

We already know from the tone, it's
pastel pantsuits with large ribbon
or two tone wide collars.
Also
Gold cross on a chain.
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:45, archived)
# and sensible nurse/doll shoes.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:51, archived)
# leather torture masks?
 
talk about projection!
I re-read your e-mail twice and I still can't see any threats in it, either
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:45, archived)
# I can't. But I know a man who will....
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:48, archived)
# I am appalled that she would suggest
that the existence of, or catering to, microcephalic babies is offensive.
(I helped save b3ta! Kamikaze Stoat £4.09, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:14, archived)
# I find it saddening
that we may never know if Babs loses her job.

(I helped save b3ta! Shlvng, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:02, archived)
# That cheesecake looks tasty
I want cheesecake :(

Also, before reading the email, I hoped they'd sent you the cheesecake to say sorry.
(I helped save b3ta! Tangy bzzzzzzzzt, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:03, archived)
# that bitch is so fired
 
AND NOW I WANT CHEESECAKE
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:06, archived)
# Also, yes.
Cheesecake. CHEESECAKE.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:07, archived)
# I suspect it's probably dickcheesecake.
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:08, archived)
# I'd expect, nay, demand nothing less.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:10, archived)
# CHEESECAKE CHEESECAKE CHEESECAKE AWWWW YUM
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:08, archived)
# God damn, I'm getting hungry again and I have to be up in 5 hours.
And I've had about 3 dinners tonight.

I hate you all.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:09, archived)
# asda lemon cheesecake ftw
(I helped save b3ta! Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:08, archived)
# Oh postbear, you're such a card.
This has uplifted me on a brief b3ta visit before bed. I am expecting some high quality uppence to come. HENCEFORTH.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:07, archived)
#
r

What, what.
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:07, archived)
# He is both a card and a cad. But not a cur.
You're the scurvy dog around here.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:08, archived)
# Can dogs even get scurvy?
It's not like you see them eating much fruit.

Personally I believe all historical and linguistic references to dogs should be replaced by cats and vice versa.

"CRY HAVOC, LET LOOSE THE CATS OF WAR!"
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:11, archived)
# "IT'S AN ALL OUT TACTICAL CAT FIGHT."
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:12, archived)
# *tries to think up any idioms with cats in*
*fails*
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:18, archived)
# "The dogs meow" and "the cats bollocks"
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:33, archived)
# "Stones, Thelious Stones.
The Greatest Dogburglar in all the lands."
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:36, archived)
# "THROW HIM TO THE CATS"
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:36, archived)
# "What's happened to this pub?"
"It's gone to the cats since the new owners took over."

That sounds like some weird collective, like an organised crime syndicate but more FBIish
(Jeru War and Piss, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:39, archived)
# "It's a right cats dinner"
Aaaaaaaaaand... bed time.
Turrah.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:41, archived)
# "I'm cat-tired"
"I'm off to see a man about a cat"
(I helped save b3ta! Tangy bzzzzzzzzt, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:42, archived)
# "Stuff it up your jumper!"
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:37, archived)
# haha
you are god amongst trolls
(I helped save b3ta! deodar ant trois minutes douche compris, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:07, archived)
# *blinks innocently*
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:43, archived)
# PieFax NOW!
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:11, archived)
# PieFax.org should be a shock site.
Make it happen.
(I helped save b3ta! MrPineapple .co.uk - TSHIRTS FOR SALE. I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:12, archived)
# Kep on masking . . .
Haaaaaaaaaaaaarumph !
(I helped save b3ta! Valin I changed glasses while I wasn't looking, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:13, archived)
# I too am awaiting the response.
Keep us posted, Renegade.
(I helped save b3ta! Kamikaze Stoat £4.09, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 2:29, archived)
# YES
(I helped save b3ta! gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 3:00, archived)
# bring...
...lawyers, guns, and money!
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 4:48, archived)