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# Mini-Craigslist Saga


My friend's mother posted this:
philadelphia.craigslist.org/stp/887097420.html

I responded thusly:

Miss,

I am very ready to be the man for your job. I am perhaps extremely uniquely qualified. You see: I have, since adelesense, had the unique ability to raise my body temperature extremely high. It's kind of wierd. But ever since I was a little boy I have had this ability and some times it has been beyod my control. Sometimes I would be sitting in class in the winter, sometimes I would ever be just sitting in my underwear on our living room floor, in the dead of winter, in my house which was never heated properly because my mother was a meth addict, and for some reason I would get extremely hot. I would just burn up. It was agony. Just fire all over my body. One of my mother's boyfriends once put a wet towel around my neck to cool me down and steam began to rize from it. In two seconds it was dry. It became kind of a game for my mother and her freinds. They would notice me sitting in the corner, being quiet and tense, my face turn a tomatoe shade of red and they would laugh and dip a dish towel in the sink and place it over my neck and watch the steam rise. At the time it was a way of bring some humor to extreme poverty and misfortune but now, as an adult, a property manager, and an actor it serves me very poorly. I was once in a love scene with an actress and she had to stop because my body was so hot against hers and my red face and bulging white eyes were making her uncomfortable.

So you see, miss, my life is full of saddness* but now your ad has come along and we belong together! You will be amazed by what I can do with it! I am also crazy in bed. I don't no if that is your intention with this ad, but let me tell you, I am very good. I am very attentive to your needs. I have a very large nut sack. It's much more useful than first appears. You will be suprised. But I am also just willing to do this for the money.

I promise I am D&D free. You can even ask my parole officer for paperwork relating to my latest drug testing results.

I thank you madam, for your time and look forward to working with you in the future!

Love,
Hank

*My mother was a prostitute. She was not a very attractive woman either so you can guess what acts she had to specialize in to get her money.



They figured it out pretty much instantly. Oh well.

Also, my name is actually Alex, so I wasn't giving away anything with the signature.
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:54, archived)
# i am uneducated on the craighstslit
what is this please?
i like the pipzza box and elmo is aasad mupet from seasmesn street :(
(I helped save b3ta! SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:56, archived)
# it's where trashy people go to find NSA hookups with other trashy people
Trashy people like Alfa Yankee, who met his boyfriend (and his boyfriend's husband) on CL.
(Ay, Why, Kay, Jee, Oh, Tee, Ell bcdefhijmnpqrsuvwxz, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:59, archived)
# what is NSA?
who is alfa yankee? and what is CL and where is my cake? have you seen the moon?
(I helped save b3ta! SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:00, archived)
# No Strings Attached
Dunno, Dunno, Dunno, I ATED IT.
(I helped save b3ta! We are the lemon irked your craw on, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:06, archived)
# you ate the moon?
did it taste of chocoalates rain?
(I helped save b3ta! SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:12, archived)
# ALL I KNOW IS THAT ITS NOT CHEESE.
(I helped save b3ta! We are the lemon irked your craw on, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:13, archived)
# that would explain
i forgot what i was going to type
instead i shall fall asleep
good morrow fine b3taians
may your day be full as the we are the lemon's moon shapped bellyingtons!
(I helped save b3ta! SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:14, archived)
# holy shit nuggets
its 2am - wtf? when did that happen? and I can't find the moon tonight :( wheere is the moon?
(I helped save b3ta! SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:59, archived)
# I SAWD TH' MOONS BUT I ATED IT :(
(I helped save b3ta! We are the lemon irked your craw on, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:05, archived)
#
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:12, archived)
# Genius!:D
(I helped save b3ta! ..wil, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:15, archived)
#
www.marriedtothesea.com/100708/craigs-list.gif
 
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 3:03, archived)
# craigslist is where i live.
it is a funplace.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 5:08, archived)
# I can't see the ad because craigslist is blocked here
But please tell me that you can work in that you are able to cook an egg with your collarbone.
(I helped save b3ta! gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:57, archived)
# I shall copythepaste
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2008-10-20, 9:48PM EDT


Male body needed to warm up my bed. I have tried automating this job but the electric blankets just don't perform the same as a real person. I guess there are some jobs that can't be done by good electronics. Therefore:

Seasonal part time job available for qualified individual. Looking to fill this position quickly.
Clean, comfortable, friendly workplace with lcd tv and cable.
Salary based on experience and looks, but I am willing to train the right person.
Hours are somewhat flexible but you must have the job complete before I get into bed.
Possibility for overtime on holidays and weekends. Full time hours available to chefs and/or housekeepers.
Smokers, snorers, droolers and those with digestive issues need not apply.
Proper attire is required but I am willing to consider dress down Fridays.
Must not be allergic to cats or children.
Interested applicants can forward a resume, references and please include several photos and average external body temperature. Interviews will be scheduled in the evenings.




* Location: my house
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 887097420
(I helped save b3ta! SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:01, archived)
# nah, already been rumbled
I have been challenged to make an even more ridiculous craigslist ad, however.
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:21, archived)
# that did my heart good
(I helped save b3ta! AgentMuu hentai coordination, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:57, archived)
# "Hours are somewhat flexible but you must have the job complete before I get into bed. "
Kind of took the wind out of your sails before you even left shore.
(I helped save b3ta! Jenk Neptune is a pedant and now I can't fit my sig in, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:59, archived)
# If she calls your bluff and asks for a photo
you'll have to set fire to your face :(
(I helped save b3ta! Tangy bzzzzzzzzt, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:03, archived)
# With actaul fire.
Not that fakey fake fire in a can stuff, but real actual burn your face to a crisp fire.
(I helped save b3ta! We are the lemon irked your craw on, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:07, archived)
# I forgot to mention I sent a picture of snaxeballs with his butt out
I'd find the original snaxeballs fiasco for you but I'm on free city wireless right now and it took about two hours just for this thread to load for me.
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:16, archived)
# hohoho
the sentence that begins "I have tried automating this job..." doesn't end with the bizarre sex toy I had anticipated.
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:09, archived)
# You can tell how progressive a city is
... by the 'passibility' of the cross dressers in craigslist causal encounter ads
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:16, archived)
# Hmm
Farting under sheets should work.
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:17, archived)
# 'dutch ovens' are forbidden
According to the ad, those with digestive issues need not apply
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 2:19, archived)
# haha
cracking attempt
(I helped save b3ta! deodar ant trois minutes douche compris, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 3:17, archived)
# next time send her a pic of me or freebase or some other freak.
nice crgslstng.
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 5:01, archived)