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# Emo Night at the Comedy Club...
...not what the punters were expecting.

Emo Philips (born Phil Soltanec, February 7, 1956) is an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the
(I helped save b3ta! Mystery_Bob, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:15, archived)
# pffft
 
NOW I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU GUYS
ABOUT
SCUBA DIVING.

SO

THAT'LL SAVE SOME TIME.
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:16, archived)
# YOU SHUT IT.
I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.
(I helped save b3ta! AgentMuu hentai coordination, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:25, archived)
#
(Marcus De Sade III, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:28, archived)
# He has
a finger for an ear.
(I helped save b3ta! Mystery_Bob, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:33, archived)
# that
is
zamboni
zamboni2
zamboni3
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:34, archived)
# ONE DOES NOT FUCK WITH THE ZAMBONI
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:45, archived)
# PEOPLE NEED TO REALISE THAT THE ZAMBONI IS NOT JUST A MACHINE, BUT THAT IT IS A WAY OF LIFE!
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:52, archived)
# WOOOOOOOOOOAAHHH DOGGIE.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU7Z_NV9v14
 
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:53, archived)
# THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: ZAMBONI DRIFT
yes!
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:55, archived)
# I wanna see zamboni races
with guns

and hotdogs
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:01, archived)
# Well I can get you hotdogs
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:07, archived)
# hahahah
anchorman is a alien!
(I helped save b3ta! AgentMuu hentai coordination, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:15, archived)
# SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:27, archived)
# I LOVE YOU LITTLE AL ROKER
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:34, archived)
# dial one nine hundred four jay ay en eye en ee.
 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9-MVeb5SGk
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:51, archived)
# look at the picture of him on his wikipedia page.
WHAT A BADASS.
(I helped save b3ta! AgentMuu hentai coordination, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 6:24, archived)
# DON'T FUCK WITH THE ROKER
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 6:45, archived)
# GOD DAYUM.
(I helped save b3ta! AgentMuu hentai coordination, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 6:46, archived)
# I got very stoned
and rode on a Zamboni one night.

/fact!
(I helped save b3ta! cowcat Bituminous squeegee, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:25, archived)
# KEEP LIVING THE DREAM, MAN
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 6:57, archived)
# Just a second though soldier.
How many trains?
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:02, archived)
# There are so many trains, I think I need training
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:07, archived)
# 2 videos for the price of one!
It's Lots and Lots of Trains 2 DVD SET Plus FREE Bonus Audio CD!- AS SEEN ON TV! Buy it Here - NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES! - get big trains,little trains,toy trains,fast trains, steam,diesel and freight trains, even trains that blow through snow!

let's train over the cliff and to certain death!

edit: also lol
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:18, archived)
# the only way this could be better is if they had managed to seriously injure themselves
www.youtube.com/watch?v=74ozeSwtvtk
 
(I helped save b3ta! Rapitinui get in the cage and I'll give you a treat, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:28, archived)
# ah yes...
the fires went a little out of control there

:D

also

lol

tho it went arse the same way I saw a real one go bang, which wasn't as funny
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:32, archived)
# Dude they're bad!
Haha.
(I helped save b3ta! cowcat Bituminous squeegee, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:32, archived)
# Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
(I helped save b3ta! Haku Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:43, archived)
# Unfortunately, Shirley Maclaine is still alive
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:53, archived)
# I just flew here from california and boy are my arms slashed up
(I helped save b3ta! gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:17, archived)
# hahaha
:D
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:18, archived)
# Ha!
(I helped save b3ta! Mystery_Bob, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:21, archived)
# spits beer on screen
:D
(I helped save b3ta! sof sof, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:28, archived)
# Arf!
(ZugZwang refuses to update his profile., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:33, archived)
# hahaha
(I helped save b3ta! M3Essential and The Essentials. LIVE!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:44, archived)
# HAHAHA
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:47, archived)
# "so anyway, try the steak"
"it's dead, lifeless"
"empty cold dead steak, HEWN with HATRED from a soulless dead COW"
"it's EMPTY EYES vacantly STARE FROM HELL without pain"
"as it is dead."
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:18, archived)
# If only people knew
how funny I am
(glue Joy division oven gloves at dawn, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:19, archived)
# *throws razor blades at the stage*
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:19, archived)
# hmm, this gives me the idea for a fairground shooting game
emos on conveyors

and gattling razor guns

it's 100% win
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:20, archived)
# Dibs on the black pudding concession stand!
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:23, archived)
# yay! the orphans will be fed!
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:24, archived)
# to hungry crocodiles!
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:35, archived)
# AS LONG AS THEY HAVE TREE FIDDY.
$4.99 with fries.
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:37, archived)
# A really dehumanizing and depressing thing happened on the way here...
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:19, archived)
# .. a tramp gave me 50 dollars, and a bagel
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:20, archived)
# Is it Emo Phillips
?
(glue Joy division oven gloves at dawn, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:22, archived)
# So I walked into the bar
And the bar man goes "GET OUT YOU TWAT!"
(glue Joy division oven gloves at dawn, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:24, archived)
# hehehe
:)
*clicks*
(I helped save b3ta! sof sof, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:26, archived)
# Oh hello
I just noticed you there! Good to see you around.
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:39, archived)
# What's the deal with sushi bars?
They're an endless cycle of revulsion and regret, like my life.
(I helped save b3ta! Bela Lugosi's Dad, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:36, archived)
# Hahaha
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:38, archived)
# HAHAHA
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:49, archived)
# "men kill themselves like this...
...and women kill themselves like this."
(I helped save b3ta! postbear has metal knees, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:40, archived)
# Well, my brother says Hello.
So, hooray for speech therapy.
(I helped save b3ta! Haku Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:46, archived)
# and if you tolerate this then your children will be next
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:48, archived)
# I won't let this happen to my children

www.greenplastic.com/lyrics/iwill.php
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 4:56, archived)
#
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm7ddqkgzFw
(I helped save b3ta! BargeArse Maker of fine Trouser Trumpets since 1863, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 5:09, archived)