I farted once
Usually that's not much of a claim; everyone lets slip a sharp little gust from their arsehole on a daily basis, but this one, this fart, was like Zeus and Thor hurling simultaneous thunderbolts at eachother. It was an Epic Fart.

I was 14, and playing football at school. This was a proper Games session, so I was wearing tracksuit trousers a size too large and a rugby top turned inside out. Like most people on the internet I'm shit at sport, and never really had any enthusiasm, and since it was November and bollock-achingly cold I couldn't have given less of a fuck about the game in hand.

Being shit, I was told to stay back near the goal while my teammates scuffled over a sodden leather sack at the other end of the pitch. So I had plenty of time to dawdle around and gawp at the 100+ other boys scattered around the vast playing field, playing their own matches with varying degrees of gusto.

I was snapped out of my reverie by a broken voice squawking "HEADS UP!", and I saw it - the manky grey and white ball, with half the leather hexagons peeled off, hurtling towards my end of the pitch. Someone had punted it from the other end in a huge lazy arc, and it was coming straight towards me. It was my ball - I was the only one at that end of the field - so I went for it. With three steps I lunged forward to intercept.

Since I'm so shit at sport, I misjudged it, and in the final second I realised I needed to correct the stride of my pathetic teenage body. So like Van Damme on that fucking lorry advert, I stretched my legs as far apart as I could in a wild kick, desperately hoping that my flailing limb would connect with the ball. That's when my sphincter ruptured space and time.

With my bumcheeks spread farther apart than they ever had been before, the fart erupted from my overstretched arsehole like Concorde breaking the sound barrier. It blasted across the playing field like a shockwave, silencing everything it swept across. One by one, the other boys in other matches faltered in their running or stopped altogether, turning their heads towards the sounds of the colonic explosion. Referees halted, teachers froze, and still the fart rolled on across the flat November field. Then it hit the tall brick wall surrounding the school environs and rolled back in a sulphuric, farting echo, a mocking doppelganger of the original fart repeated over and over until it was swept away in the autumn wind.

I stood still, letting the last waves of flatuence wash over myself and my classmates. No-one moved for what felt like eternity. Then the teacher slowly, robotically, lifted his whistle to his lips and blew a single solitary peep. The ball had rolled into my goal, and we'd lost the game.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 7:46, 42 replies)

FP THIS NOW

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 8:37, closed)

It deserves its own column

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:32, closed)

Colon MORE LIKE

(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 14:59, closed)

This is a work of fart

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 9:15, closed)

It belongs in the Loo-vre

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:39, closed)

An epic way to let in a goal

( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 9:30, closed)

dunno, I don't really understand football

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:40, closed)

I don't normally like toilet humour,
but this is completely epic.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 9:47, closed)

It's like the Voyage of Odysse-arse

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:40, closed)

This is almost poetic
an example of how it should be done. 11/10 would lol again.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:00, closed)

My arse goes all the way up to 11

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:40, closed)

Fuck off with your finely crafted amusing anecdote, you prick.

(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:02, closed)

it's more than you deserve

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:31, closed)

Just curious?
If your legs were so far apart, how was the required resonance from your buttocks achievied? Did you have a very large backside?
(iwrite4u, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:54, closed)

I'd rather not discuss a 14-year-old's arsecheeks on the internet, soz

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:02, closed)

www.bbc.co.uk/skillswise/english

hth
(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:04, closed)

Too Much Effort
It's QotW, not English Lit.

www.wikihow.com/Grow-Up-and-Get-a-Life

hth
(iwrite4u, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:19, closed)

English Lit is the study of literature.
You need to learn basic literacy first.
(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:21, closed)

yeah, but this story is quite clearly literature though

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:38, closed)

wipes tear from eye
"THIS IS WHAT QOTW USED TO BE LIKE DAMM IT!
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:06, closed)

only a /talk stalwart can return /qotw to its former glory

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:32, closed)

This is a lot of words, just to say "I dun a fart during games".
Exactly the sort of thing that should get bullied off the board.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:39, closed)

Spinning the mundane into a 500-word yarn is the raison d'etre of QOTW

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:41, closed)

^ anecdote king

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:59, closed)

Sublime
The line "...the fart erupted from my overstretched arsehole like Concorde breaking the sound barrier..." is a thing of literary beauty.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 19 Jun 2015, 10:59, closed)

Dostoyevsky couldn't have written a finer line

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:03, closed)

Dostoyevsky wouldn't have used any line-breaks.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:09, closed)

Clicked for the little details, like "... with half the leather hexagons peeled off"

(Porcupine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 12:17, closed)

It's the finer points of a story that help paint the picture in your mind
In this case, it's a picture of a young teen's dilated arsehole.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 13:33, closed)

I read it before it got popular, and so i like it more than you lot, coming in late with your replies.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 19 Jun 2015, 12:27, closed)

I'm not clicking "I like this" because I'm too cool and aloof.

(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 12:31, closed)

Can't you just click it ironically?

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 12:35, closed)

irony is for pricks

(yo man river INVINCIBLE, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 14:20, closed)

thanks for the click

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 14:27, closed)

As delightful a piece of whimsy as you'll ever find on here.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 20 Jun 2015, 17:53, closed)

Sublime - My faith in QOTW restored
And yet, ...

"So like Van Damme on that fucking lorry advert"

I don't get why both legs had to be apart.
(justin(e), Sun 21 Jun 2015, 15:11, closed)

Yeah alright, it wasn't spread apart like Van Damme
it was more like the splits ballet dancers do - one leg forward, one back - but none of them's ever done a telly ad that I can make a cheeky reference to.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 22 Jun 2015, 7:19, closed)