My laptop
I Bought a lovely laptop. It was amazing, did everything I wanted. One day it stopped working so I took it to pcworld to get it fixed.

The rest is history

Paul Gadd
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 16:26, 4 replies)

Where did it all go right.
This is why I'm called Pill Popper

August 1998

I meet two girls in a pub both called Jackie. They inform me that although this pub is ok they know of a better place to go. After some gentle coaxing and reassurance (not much needed) they convince me to go with me to a club that is not quite my usual. We make our way to a part of town I don't normally associate with a night out, I never knew this was a club. I wonder if it's a good idea as it does look a bit rough, I decide to go in anyway and see what sort of company they keep. As we walk in they're greeted by unusual grunts, insults, hugs and kisses. We eventually make our way up to the bar. I order some drinks and walk over to a table, around the table are some freakish looking people that they call friends. As I nervously sit down and realise they may be staring at me. I look around, The music is very loud, The club dark and a little intimidating I think after another half an hour I may have acquired some unwanted tattoos and multiple piercings. Now I'm thinking of finding the loo and climbing out of the window, When I get there I realise to my horror there isn't a window........ should I stay? should I go? These people seem mostly ok. A bit wierd but ok. I decide to give it a chance, Everybody is friendly I make some friends quite quickly. I notice Jackie taking something, asking politely I am told "Disco biscuits" and realise what they mean, I always wondered what they were like. My new friends say try half "only if you feel relaxed and at ease with us. Half an hour later I realise they are all wonderful, and I am the best dancer in the world. Everybody makes sure I'm OK, I stay and have an awesome night having weird conversations, talking codshit to strangers. I watch everybody get happy and dancing like nobody is watching.

A big Thank you to the two Jackies.
There's a line stolen from Human traffic. But it fits perfectly

Edit. maybe I should have waited until next week. when the QOTW should be-
Where did it all go right.
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 16:18, 5 replies)

I used to go out with this well fit australian girl
then I got vd off her*, and had to spend several months of my life having lumps burnt off my cock with cold gas.

*she might have got it off me, but that ruins the story slightly
(cs1ca, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 16:07, 7 replies)

November 1991
I clipped Dr Skagra. He was young and painfully stupid.

The moaning suicidal cunt hasn't shut up about it ever since. I text him every now and then pretending there's a new Fall album coming out, and he shuts up for a bit - but never for long. Why won't he just kill himself?

FFS
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 16:07, 8 replies)

opening the door
to an old friend, who begged me to let her in as her recently-dumped boyfriend was threatening to beat her up.
i really should have known better.
i took her in, fed her, clothed her and gave her a shoulder to cry on. i offered to go to the police with her to see about pressing charges against her ex, but she said she'd rather just let it go. it wasn't long before i found out why.
word quickly got back to me that he'd been the dumper, not her. he'd caught her maxing out his credit cards and, when he confronted her, she'd thrown a massive wobbly and trashed his house. realising what a nutbar she was, he kicked her out. she'd gone to the police and reported him for assault, of which she had not a shred of evidence. seems she was well-known to the police for making accusations against boyfriends, so how she wasn't arrested for wasting police time, i don't know.
now, being an old school friend, i didn't want to believe she was capable of such utter nasty fuckwittery, so i grudgingly gave her the benefit of the doubt.
i finally saw the light when she got pissed and tried to talk me into setting fire to his house, just to get back at him. yes, she was willing to torch his home, with him possibly still inside, just for petty revenge. i asked her to leave my house immediately and gave the police a call. last i heard, she was under psychiatric evaluation for bipolar disorder or somesuch. just as long as she keeps well the fuck away from me.
bitch be crazy.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 15:44, Reply)

My mates mum was a fun, energetic old bird
up to the age of about 87-88.

Then the poor cunt swallowed a fly.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 15:41, 4 replies)

Apparently the plans were down a corridor, in a toilet with a 'beware of the leopard' poster on the door.
no one told me.
(magictorch, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:13, 4 replies)

I put a 1 at the end of a variable without meaning to and it stopped my entire prototype working.
I've sorted it now, but it was one of the darkest periods of my life.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 11:30, 8 replies)

When I read this question, I thought I was happy and couldn't think of anything to write.
And I am in a pretty regret-free situation. Life's going alright. Then I read a few bits of other people's answers and realised that I do have a problem.
It all started in 2004 when I moved from a sales environment to a marketing job. The blissful ignorance of life was shattered. I saw how shallow and money-driven EVERYTHING was. Where before I saw a fun talent show, I now saw a popularity contest with no winners other than those who took the money from the advertising breaks and so on.
This slide continued with subscriptions to Private Eye and the reading of Flat Earth News (among other things).
I am now a terminal cynic who hates most things, purely for the fact that most things are hateable and pointless drivel.
It was also in or around 2004-5 that I joined B3ta. Possibly there's a link...
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 10:59, 11 replies)

Well this is going to be a dour fucking week
I can't wait to read the 'popular' page from top to bottom next Thursday, warm cup of tea in hand, to find out who's had the most miserable life so far
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 10:53, 4 replies)

Every minute of every day
there is always the possibility that things can go wrong, from feeding one's fish to interplanetary travel. Some things are alterable, some avoidable, and s
(roysin, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 10:33, 7 replies)

When I answered the phone and said "Hello"
I ended up in a brothel in Vera Cruz for 4 years
(Polly'O, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 10:14, 16 replies)

One of the big boys on a internet doesn't like me and told me to kill myself.
=(
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 9:03, 11 replies)

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( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 8:04, 10 replies)

It all went wrong
when some fuck from /talk who doesn't give a shit about QOTW and always takes the piss out of it got chose for a QOTW question.
Fucking hell.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 0:35, 27 replies)

That first,
Exquisite sip of ale/beer.
Luckily I've always hated lager, so I can slip into a stupor knowing my taste buds still function
(Docofair, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 0:01, Reply)

Before I stumbled onto b3ta.com I could actually work for more than 13 minutes at a time.
I really don't mind cleaning out my desk, though.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 23:06, Reply)

When I said
"I do"
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 22:06, 3 replies)

I think it probably started to go a bit wrong when she tried to explain percentages to somebody with a PhD in maths.
b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/post1880369
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 21:43, 27 replies)

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( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 21:18, 6 replies)

November 1991
I got clopped.

I was young and stupid.

I see that as the beginning of my slide into feculent misanthropy, raging alcoholism, sexual deviancy, manic depression and persistent inability to face reality.

I would kill myself, except I'm too much of a coward. Also, the prospect of another Fall album, and a new series of Doctor Who, keeps me going. Yes I am that shallow. It's the only way to cope. Constant distraction.

Now for another pint (my 4th of the evening and by no means the last) before Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe.

Before anyone accuses me of wallowing in self-pity, I'm not. These are the facts; this is how I deal. On these terms, I am happy.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 21:03, 21 replies)

I used to blame everything on the Russian mafia
until my cat went missing
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 20:46, 2 replies)

One of Ken Dodd's acolytes
became convinced that if he could somehow contrive to contract lycanthropy he would no longer be so short. It was an unmitigated disaster, and he simply ended up hairy and enraged. The newspaper reports on the matter declared: Were-Diddy Tall Go Wrong
( 4Q just lurking, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 20:13, 7 replies)

It all went downhill after I reached the summit.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 28 Feb 2013, 19:19, Reply)

http://b3ta.com/board/8

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 18:54, 5 replies)

Can't be arsed.
Just assume that I've written a witty little story that turns out to be all about Qui Gon Jinn training a young Anakin Skywalker against the Jedi Council's advice, and then put me on ignore.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 18:15, Reply)

People taking the Bible serious
Well, what parts of it they choose to anyway.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 17:36, 18 replies)

Nooooothing compaaaaaares
to yoooooooooooooouuuuuuu
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 17:33, Reply)

It all started
with fear.

That lead to anger.
(username failed moderation, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 16:55, 3 replies)

Should never have bought that Honda Accord
Bloody supermodels, won't leave me alone. I've told them a hundred times I don't do drugs.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 16:52, Reply)