Little princesses are dodgy.
I`m mad as vatican approved condom and full of flaws, but kind and considerate makes up for most of my lacks.
I don`t have many silly self illusions left after reality has burned them away as far as I can tell.

Sheltered fromm any hardship by being daddy`s girl doesn`t realy make a woman with a full set of reals that I can live with.
Never having had to struggle by yourself and find solutions makes you a spoiled selfish cow.

"I never fart"
"I am a very good driver"
I`ve never had an orgasm during sex so don`t try"

Somebody dying brought our paths together recently and 20 years on she is still in neverneverland. "NO! only people in films ,tv and literature have affairs, mere mortals cheat and lie and there is no nobility to it.
You cheated and your hubby was cheating elsewhere and got found out first, congratulations with the legals. I hope the money goes to the daughters brought into this world by amoral selfish narcissistic morons. The shag for old times sake didn`t merit a callback.

I don`t fart, so not human? when you go to sleep all those perfect wickel gurlie wafts exit big time. She went vegetarian and it was like a warzone ( and i was in the gulf and bosnia so i am not talking outside experience). INCOMING! WHOOMPH! and the duvet moved followed by the full Belsen beany waft. Weekend 2 I retired to the couch and left my dictaphone on volume activate and caught at least 20 sleep disturbers.
" thats not me that`s you"
No apart from being on the couch i`m sorry my sphincter doesn`t do coloratura soprano, the highest i can fart that loudly is nearly tenor. that is your stinky arse on tape.

You are a terrifying driver as you do not road read ahead

i`ve driven 10 tonners on a exemption as SPV`s but with 400k of broadcast kit on board including a top heavy uplink dish CAREFULLY. I`m quick, economical and smooth, not flashy. co drivers with HGV`s fall asleep.

Silly bitch starts on me first off I had her follow me and I slowed up " you drive like a lunatic" no, I just allowed you to keep up, you drive mine "this is terrifying it just goes when you put your foot down and the brakes are so harsh" yes but i can drive it smoothly, it is road legal as far as you can go without hitting insurance penalties a cage free group a( or is it n? no engine mods allowed )rally spec MG metro, it does under 9 and is around 95bhp 130 per tonne and much smoother and tourqier than the original. ( mate at work was an A-series guru, bike mechanic and ex racer before too many plates on the bones and his advice was spot on).
Her beemer had some tyre attrition on the sole and last occasion i was honoured and allowed to drive it, i flicked the handbrake and held it in a slide round a (clear) roundbout after 30 minutes of being told I didn`t know how to drive. I learned in a triumph herald, nasty vicious arse happy thing just like the beemer.

The bedroom farce was stupid.
maybe there are some blokes out there with curly tache`s who are the full leslie phillips seducers, but i don`t have a scooby what to do from scratch, no menus no nothing. first night is a nightmare unless she takes the lead at least initially. I need to know her first for long enough to start growing together. You make it work together it is not a powerpoint presntation.

No wonder you have never had a roy orbison, you do your little dance quickly and i think if i crack one off i will be only seconds faster


I thought of margaret thatcher just long enough to stop issue and eventually pushed the duration from 3 minutes past her little dance on my willy to about 35 and she had a real deal gentle full shudder roy orbison, and screamed and kicked me out of bed like i`d shit in it that was the end

Don`t say unrealistic or contentous things if you can`t handle the results

"where there is no contention there is no winner, but also no loser " Sun Tzu one translation of the art of war.

shoudn`t be war should it?
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 19:51, 32 replies)

it may just be the incessant rain finally having seeped through into my cerebellum
but this appears to makes fuck all sense.
(jennymnemonic, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:11, closed)

I did manage to deduce that it admits to being fucking useless in bed.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:31, closed)

Can you summarise this in 20 words or less?
Ta.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:27, closed)

and punctuate.

( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:24, closed)

Were you caught in an explosion in the gulf or bosnia that took half your brain with it?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:27, closed)

I have no idea what you're trying to say here, but I'm sure it's very good.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:37, closed)

So basically your story is...
...no, I got nothin'.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:38, closed)

It's really well written, stop being such a troll!

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:42, closed)

Also, fucko,
this is an apostrophe
'

this
`

is a grave accent, used to signify that a usually silent vowel is to be pronounced.

You fucking mong.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:47, closed)

Indeed
his error was rather… grave
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:24, closed)

However many monkeys, and however many typewriters,
were involved in the creation of this, it clearly wasn't enough.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 21:12, closed)

Ignore the mean bullies
this is art.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 21:16, closed)

I'll have two, plus french fries and a shake, please.

( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 21:20, closed)

Reading that is like eating a dozen pretentious Wham bars in one sitting.
Only the Wham bars are made of dogshit. And the teeth which chew stubbornly through the hardy shaft of viscous gum? Also dogshit. Wait! Your face is made of dogshit too! Eurgh. Your face is made of dogshit. Dogshitface.
(thegreatgondorf, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 21:25, closed)

I like this.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:03, closed)

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 10 Aug 2011, 22:09, closed)

well I understood it
but then I'm not a fucking retard
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 22:19, closed)

Would you mind translating for the rest of us?
Please?
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 23:48, closed)

I think that's the exact opposite of the reason you understood it.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:04, closed)

I understood the bits about cars
he had an MG Metro turbo that was tripped out but not at the stage of beign a Group N rally car (like a 6R4). The official stats for a Turbo was 83 horse but by the sound of it his good buddy got that up and therefore the power-to-weight ratio ended up about 130 bhp/tonne. Those little roller skates only weighed about 650kg dry anyway. The bits about women I did not understand.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:05, closed)

THIS is what QoTW is all about!

( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:38, closed)

What regional accent should this be read in?

( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:47, closed)

All I got from it,
was he drives fast and dangerously, but thinks it's ok as he has a bit of skill. In other words, he's a shit driver.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 3:28, closed)

wait, a 'roy orbison'?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 3:30, closed)

A big o

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 6:13, closed)

it's pronounced "orbasm"
imagine not knowing that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:06, closed)

All's fair, as they say...
Point out to her that her shit still stinks.
Tell her lovingly that you would preffer to chauffer her around (no handbrakies tho).
With a bit of 1st had exp. with the bed stuff - my tongue used to ache just so she could get her rocks off and then I'd get "Are you done yet?" - I just ended up seeing it as a nice quick wet, warm wank. I suggest you do the same and maybe buy her a toy to help you visually get in the mood ;-)
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 4:45, closed)

What's that Lassie? Little Johnny is trapped down the mine?

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 7:59, closed)

errm
I...?

But....?


nervemind
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:22, closed)

Halfway through reading stuff like this I think "this is going to be ripped to shreds".
But it's only fair, you wasted valuable seconds of my life.
(Stiltzkin, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:49, closed)

Actually I'd probably only waste them anyway
(Stiltzkin, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:51, closed)

by talking to yourself most likely
;)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:16, closed)