blackheads
in my late teens ikept getting blackheads on my prick which I would have tosqueetthem to come out
(Dr Arsenic Making bad coffee since 1978, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 15:37, Reply)

The Last
time I had suppurating pustule was an infected cyst on the back of my head. I never did see what it looked like.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 13:40, 1 reply)

Anybody drowned recently?
I could do with a laugh.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 12:55, 16 replies)

In the days before computers...
I worked in an office that had 5 years of company remittance advices boxed by month and week. Also, it was the days before air con, and we regularly had the windows open - right next to the boxes. Pigeons used to come along and shit on the window ledge.

Now I don't know if it was paper mites or something from bird shit, but after opening one of the oldest boxes for audit purposes, something bit me, just above the lip.

Anyhoo... as the days passed, a lump developed, which turned into a angry-mofo-of-a-lump, and stretched my mouth and started to spread into my top lip. The pain was intense. The boil looked like a peach coloured grape hanging from under my nose. It hurt to eat, sleep, drink, smile, etc..

Eventually, it erupted, emitting blood, piss (it smelt like stale piss) and the kind of think green snot you only see on a two year old with flu. It left a hole that looked like I'd been stabbed in the face with a x-head screw driver. The sense of well being was immediate on release.

I had something that was only a fraction of that in my chest some years later. For that they removed half my nipple. Nobody knows about the op, so no, they don't call me Arthur Nipple.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 12:45, 3 replies)

If you are having a dump
In a toilet that has recently been cleaned with Domestarse
and you get splashback does it count as anal bleaching?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 12:02, 3 replies)

Porn saved my frenulum
Like most boys of a certain age I was obsessed with my penis. I loved that little thing and the hours of fun it gave me. However, after exploring every inch of it several thousand times I became more and more concerned with one particular aspect - that little tract of skin that ran from the corner of my japs eye to the foreskin. The frenulum. It didn't look or feel right, having such a snappable piece of flesh located on such a place.

My mind raced. I convinced myself that far from being a regular part of my anatomy it was proof my cock was broken. Other men probably had thoroughly normal penis', with no stretchy bits of skin joining point A to point B. I was convinced I was a freak and in my darker moments I did try to think up painless ways I could unshackle my helmet. On happier days I attempted to come up with ways I could just find out once and for all if I really was a disgusting mess. I didn't want to go to the doctors in case he informed me that I did in fact have an abnormal member and I was going to require major surgery to correct it, meaning I had to face my fear of hospitals. I couldn't discuss this issue with my chums in the schoolyard, who would undoubtedly rib me mercilessly about my spackacock. I didn't have a male role model in my life, my Dad fulfilling the role of absent father to a tee. I was just going to have to live with an ugly johnson.

Then we got teh interwebz!

After a few weeks my carnal urges got the better of me and one day, when mother was at the shops, I went online and found some pornography. After about a half hour of viewing ladies with their legs spread wide I gradually moved onto harder stuff. Images where men (sometimes more than one) joined the party. It was at that point, as Amie from Miami gazed into the camera while taking on three blokes at the same time, I saw something that filled me with joy - a cock just like mine. In fact, they all looked very similar. I was normal! I'd have danced a jig of delight if I wasn't nursing a raging lob on and desperate to finish the job I'd started, so I just had a celebratory wank instead.
(Chesney Christ, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 10:55, 6 replies)

I once had an ingrowing toenail
and the side of my toe was all swollen and red and very tender. After a few days it subsided and the swelling went down slightly, but it looked like a very large saggy blister. That looks really odd I thought. So I sat on the edge of the bath, playing with it and poking it about when it suddenly ruptured and emptied a load of dark green pus everywhere. It looked like someone had cleared their bronchial throat and spat on my toenail.
I was repulsed though amazed, but nowhere near as much as Mrs SLVA was when I called her through to see. She wasn't as impressed as I was and consequently called me a 'minging fucker' before shoving me into the bath.
She wasn't very impressed later either when after cleaning it up, I showed her the remaining pocket of skin on my toe and how I could carry a 5p coin in it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 9:03, 2 replies)

You people are a bunch of repulsive, pus-sodden freaks and you disgust me with your boils and cysts etc.
Just sayin
( wanderlust, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 8:37, 5 replies)

Blood on the ceiling
I suffer from small lumps (cysts) behind my ears. One got infected once and I had to keep draining it. One morning it was especially angry and swollen so I stood in the bathroom looking in the mirror, pressing away trying to get it to rupture. Suddenly a stream blood shot 3ft across the bathroom and up the wall to the ceiling! It felt like something from a spoof movie and I was a bit freaked out, letting out a strange yell - it didn't hurt though.
(JohnO, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 0:07, 2 replies)

A few month ago my 2nd toe was hurting.....
(You know, The 2nd one next to the big one)
Any how, I took my sock off and examined it and the toenail was black. (I must have knocked it up and not noticed)
with one small tug the nail came off and it was the nicest, chewiest bit of edible body excess I have ever munched on!

I loved it, My Mrs. recoiled in disgust.
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 20:44, Reply)

Ooh just remembered another colleague
Noah was his name, or his nickname; his real name was Lazar. Right old mess he ended up...
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 19:45, Reply)

There was a blob of embryo or sutin in my boiled egg this morning
it was a bit of a shock and I think I passed out for a bit. Anyhoo I was much better by elevenses so was eating a nice scone when my tummy got a bit sore and blah blah Alien chest buster. Then I had a wank about Sigourney Weaver's sweaty knickers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 17:11, 5 replies)

Felt a bit off-peak the other day.
Stopped off at a small walk-in clinic for a bit of treatment on the fly, because I didn't have time to book a doctor's appointment. Whatever they gave me, I think they ripped me off: I did feel better the next morning, but within a couple of days I was feeling worse than when I went in. I'm not making that mistake again.

Yours,

Seth Brundle.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 16:49, 1 reply)

Pus Galore
My BF asked me if i would squeeze a spot on his back.
I wasn't really keen but the things you do for love eh.
As it happened, it wasn't that bad, a long thin string of something waxy coiled out followed by a few drops of blood, cleaned it up and all was good.
Only a few days later he said it was hurting a bit and could i have another look.
This time it had a small crusty scab surrounded by an angry looking swelling.
I got a bit of tissue and picked off the scab. I hadn't even begun to press but the thing exploded, unfortunately I was leaning quite close and felt what seemed like a cup full of bloody foul smelling pus hit my face.
I ran retching into the bathroom and frantically washed my face and hands about a dozen times. And he's sat there laughing.
Had to finish cleaning it up, this time with my face not so close and slightly turned away. A bit of antiseptic spray and a plaster finished the job.
A couple of mornings later we're snuggling up in bed and I felt something a bit scratchy on my stomach, look down and the manky plaster had come off in the night and is stuck to me. killed the mood i can tell you.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 15:42, 5 replies)

Not so long back,
I was having a wank and just as I tipped my filthy concrete, it came out quite slow and seemed extra gelatinous and reminded me somewhat of expanding foam when you release the trigger and some still oozes out.
But this just kept coming out, I noticed it had become fibrous before I realised I actually had a small length of twine down my hog's eye.
What the shuddering fuck? Back when I was a young teen when I would try anything to see if it got me off, did I shove some string down there for reasons unknown?

I began to pull on the string, there seemed to be more than I thought, a couple of centimetres turned into six inches which turned into a couple of feet before to my incredible, almost debilitating incredulity the string was attached to something red. I began pulling. It was what appeared to be a red hankie, but wait, it was knotted to a green hankie. I kept pulling; blue, yellow, red, orange. It went on. After a good dozen cock-snot trimmed handkerchiefs, and my hands covered in a web like lattice of man-silk, the coloured cloths were again bound something more stringlike.

This was confusing more than anything. My only conclusion was that I had a split personality and the Hyde to my Jekyll seemed to be a horrific and disturbing children's entertainer. Whoever was booking me to perform at somebody's 9th birthday party was clearly not right in the head.

I kept pulling, but there was some resistance. I pulled harder. Something was attached to the other end and was refusing to budge. I yanked really hard and I felt something enter the bottom of my urethra. I pulled hard and with imagery reminiscent of that scene in Total Recall where he removes that tracking device from his nose, out popped my testicles.

I collapsed to the floor in a pool of sweat. I couldn't get them back in, so my only recourse was make a small desk toy out of it. It's certainly a talking point in the office I can tell you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 14:48, 16 replies)

Body Horror
Two horrible thing:

One (which also fits in to last weeks, "Brush with death") was an insect bite on my arm that led to celulitus and a week long hospital stay. In the old days they called it "Poisoned arm", and for good reason. At its worst my forearm was three times its normal size (for a pretty skinny guy this looks appalling) and had orange sized bags of puss hanging from my wrist and elbow; the entire forarm was a glow in the dark red.

Two, a lesses insect bite on my forhead that became infected. It swelled and swelled so it looked like i was spawning something like an alien. That was bad... but the worst was when I was in the public Works toilet, looking at myself in abject misery. All i did was touch it... no squeezing, nothing... and the thing exploded. About half a pint of puss and blood spurted out. it hissed! On the plus side my forhead was back to its normal size; on the minus I had covered the entire mirror in unmentionable filth. Thats the bit that made me puke (and I've never cleaned a mirror so fast).
(DustyD, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 10:18, Reply)

I rent out my Hollywood mate Adrien for sex.
I'm a Brody Whore-er.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 9:19, 10 replies)

Amazing news!
THE MODS WHO WERE SO HAPPY WITH THE "STEP" HAMMER EARLIER THIS YEAR ARE BACK!!!
( wanderlust, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 8:39, 10 replies)