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This is a question Bullshit and Bullshitters

We've had questions about lies and liars in the past, but this time we're asking about the sort of fantasist who constantly claims they've got a helicopter in the garden or was "second onto the balcony at the Iranian Embassy siege". Tell us about the cobblers you've been told, or the complete lies you've come out with.

Thanks to dozer for the suggestion

(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:55)
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The Prince Of France
I have a friend who regularly comes out with the most astonishing level of bullshit in the most casual manner. We'll call him Des, for that is his name. These gems are from a while ago, when Des was in his early twenties, but he continues to bullshit to this day.

A few years ago, the French presidential elections were coming up and so featured on the news. Des watches this, and then states very matter-of-factly, "Of course, if the French revolution hadn't happened, I'd be in line to be the Prince of France now. Bet you didn't know that about me!" No, I didn't Des, because your surname is Smith, no-one in your family is French, and you look like the 5th member of East 17. "Yeah, my ancestors fled France when they started chopping people's heads off. It's a shame, cos it would be cool to be a prince, but then again, I don't like France much."

Des usually got quite aggressive if he was called out, so by this point we'd learnt to nod, feign belief, and then tell everyone about it later. He is still privately referred to as the Prince of France.

The Prince of France's finest moment came about when someone at work was talking about getting a spanking new telly. Again, this was a while ago, so to get a new TV meant getting a great hulking CRT affair. However, there was nothing wrong with the old telly, and so they were debating whether they could justify a new one.

The Prince of France overhears this, and chips in with the most mind-bendingly astonishing stinking steaming pile of shite that I still haven't quite got my head around what was happening in his brain at that precise moment.

"Well, I suppose you could do the old 'milk & liver trick'", he mused, in a vacant, 'Oh, you must have heard of it' tone.

"What the fuck are you talking about Des?" came the withering reply, as Mr Telly prepared himself for a full-on barrage of billy bullshit.

"You put a plate with a bit of liver on it at one end of the telly, and a glass of milk on the other," he stated. He had finished, as if this was a perfectly self-explanatory statement to drop in to a conversation of the merits of television purchasing.


Des sighed. "Liver, right, loves milk. So the liver will crawl across the top of your telly at night, and climb up the glass to drink the milk. But cos it's heavy, it'll topple over, and spill milk in to the back of your telly. And then you can claim for it on insurance."

The liver will crawl across the top of your telly at night.

Astonished, I offered him a chance to backtrack from the monumental advice he had just offered up.

"Des, is that actually true?"

"Yeah, my uncle works in insurance. There's nothing they can do about it. Happens all the time."

So there you go, it was a insurance scam of epidemic proportions in the late-ninties to encourage a piece of liver to throw milk down the back of your TV set, and insurance companies would begrudgingly pay out, if that's what you told them had happened. MIND-BLOWING.

Des Smith, Prince of France, King of Bullshit.

Length? I hold the world-record for it.
(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:05, 14 replies)
You have no idea how much I want this to be true

(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:12, closed)
I could well believe that someone has tried that excuse once with the insurance company
Not convinced that it happens all the time though. Maybe once.
(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 21:06, closed)
(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 21:19, closed)
That is quite, quite brilliant.
(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 21:56, closed)
It's true!
I was working at a dairy farm when a car full of liver pulled up and stole all out milk at gunpoint! They can't get enough of the stuff!
(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 21:58, closed)
Thi is worth a super-click at least

(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 22:55, closed)
The milk...
Full cream or semi-skimmed? does liver have a preference?

Ker-lick :)
(, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 8:35, closed)
You get a click, because I smiled.
But how the hell can you be friends with someone that stupid? I would be droppin' logic-bombs all up in his face if I knew him.
(, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:56, closed)
Why wouldn't you want to be friends with someone with a mind like that?
He's never said anything malicious or hurtful in his bullshit, it's just the occasional, jaw-dropping journey into the illogical which keeps life interesting..!
(, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 14:36, closed)
Kidneys, on the other hand...
...will only move their lobes for chilli sauce, the devils.

Have a click
(, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 14:48, closed)
I've heard before about liver and milk.
Apparently, if you leave a plate of liver uncovered near a glass of milk, when you come back the liver will be wrapped around the glass, because 'liver likes milk'.

No idea where this tale comes from but it's one of those things that people 'know'.
(, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 16:01, closed)


seriously, wtf.
(, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 22:33, closed)
Fortunately, Des was definitely talking shite to some degree, as it turned out he doesn't have an uncle, let alone one who works in insurance.
(, Sat 15 Jan 2011, 12:08, closed)
Big click from me for the nickname Prince of France.

There is an individual in the group of chaps I chat to in the local who is known to everyone as The Man of Violence.

Reasons behind that will have to wait for another QOTW
(, Sat 15 Jan 2011, 11:29, closed)
I have tears running down my cheeks from laughter.
This is the funniest thing I've seen on here for... well, quite possibly for years.
*wholesome clicks*
(, Sun 16 Jan 2011, 23:45, closed)

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