It's the 'New...'
Take your pick...
'Staying in is the new going out'
'Brown is the new Black' (although i suspect he may be feeling black on May 7th)
'The Jobcentre ticket machine is the new watercooler' .... etc...

I don't mind if they're original but when people trot out the same clichéd phrases it get's annoying.
(Moominator missing the good stuff cos' the swear filter is on, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 4:01, 5 replies)

Teh 11yo
My 11yo son, who through no fault of mine, is a ginger, actually pronounces 'teh'

grrrrrraaaahhhh!!!
(thanatos, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 3:29, 3 replies)

Marketing cock gets owned.
For those that hate meaningless management speak as much as I do.

Stuck in a blood-stoppingly dull strategy meeting a couple of months ago, when the following exchange partially restored my faith in humanity.

The meeting is being chaired by a marketing director who is, for want of a better word, an arse. An overweight, self-regarding, bullying, obnoxious cocksmudge of a man, whose hobbies can be listed as eating, bellowing his every thought through his flapping cakehole for the benefit of all mankind, and belittling people for his own grubby amusement.

We're watching a resource presentation by a young, nervous guy, when it becomes apparent that the figures in one of his slides don't add up. Sniffing an opportunity to stick the boot into a subordinate, Stubcock loudly proclaims "37% plus 41% plus 32% equals 110%. Where the fuck did you go to school?"

Nervous Guy stammers an apology and the meeting continues. Minutes later, we're wrapping up and Jabba rounds on Nervous Guy for one last time. "Please could you share with us how you're planning to message that to the client?"

Without missing a beat, Nervous Guy replies "Message is a noun. Where the fuck did you go to school?"
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 3:24, 3 replies)

One more
Run Forest, RUN!

FFS! It wasn't even funny 15 years ago...
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Sun 11 Apr 2010, 2:39, Reply)

I'm with SmashMonkey
Example from a sign in my local gym:

Pilate's Class's Wednesday's and Friday's

I don't know why it annoys me so much either.
Perhaps it's the ignorance of the writer who believes there's supposed to be an apostrophe in there somewhere, but they can't be arsed learning where and why, so they just plonk it before the 's' just in case.

If you're not sure where to put it, then ask a 6 year old.
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Sun 11 Apr 2010, 2:27, 9 replies)

yourself
when 'you' is correct. yourself is used, particularly in sales and retail in a bid to sound more formal, but it just grates on me.

"And if I can just have a signature from yourself..."

I may well be wrong, but I am 99.9% sure that 'yourself' is wrong and that
"And if I can just have a signature from you..."
is correct.

Edit: A bit of Googling¹, 'yourself' is used as the object when it is the same as the subject in the clause, i.e. 'you'.
You do it yourself

Thinking about it, substituting 'himself', it sounds plainly wrong to say:
"I just wanted a signature from himself". Sounds stupid, non?


1. no I don't care, Google is synonymous enough with searching the internet that it can be a verb
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 2:09, 10 replies)

Having a good word power
is always a bonus, but knowing when it is overkill is also important.

Ironically, there's a fucking word for that and I can't for the life of me remember what it is.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 2:05, 10 replies)

Not sure how prevalent it is back home,
but out here we have a city called Westminster. The street signs are even done "Olde English" style.

So why in the fuck does everyone around here call it Westminister. There is no extra "i" in there.
Same goes for the yank pronunciation of Wimbledon - Wimbleton. No. Wrong. Just wrong.

Oh, and the way people from Hull say Withernsea - it's NOT Wiverensea.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 1:24, 4 replies)

vajayjay
It's a pretty poor coinage as it is, but the fact it was popularised by Oprah... I don't want to think about that.

For extra 'no thanks' value: vajazzle your vajayjay.
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Sun 11 Apr 2010, 1:04, 3 replies)

Shame
I fell out with my mum the other day, her insistance at using the word 'shame' was driving me up the wall. After hearing the word 8 times in half an hour I told her that I was going to punch her hard if she said it again. She replaced it with 'bless'. Think it might be a Plymouth thing.
(Jayde bored of shit tv!, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 0:27, Reply)

lifestyle
Round the corner from us is a grandly titled "Lifestyle Furnishing Emporium".

i.e. a rug shop.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 0:21, Reply)

ihatesprouts just reminded me
i have a deep loathing of pub menus. let's forget for a moment the inability to spell words like lasagne and colcannon, although this does irritate me. no, the thing that makes me want to smash the menu board over the landlord's head is when i see this:
fish and chip's
roast potatoe's
poppadom's

is it really so hard to work out where to place a simple apostrophe?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 23:38, 12 replies)

I also hate pretentious menus
I used to work in a cafe presided over by a twatty bloke who couldn't spell. I'd tell him what the special was each day in plain English, and he'd write the menu up in some kind of abuse of pretentious French.

So gravy would become "juice" (he was trying to say "jus") and raspberry sauce for cakes and puddings would become "cooley" (he meant coulis).

I'm generally a laid-back sort, but this made me want to grind a lightbulb into his face. Even now, walking past a window with a pretentious restaurant menu on display makes me feel really stabby.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 23:01, 12 replies)

"Wellness" and "Healthful"
Two completely pointless and very irritating words that have no fucking reason to exist.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 22:54, 1 reply)

'solutions'
In the context of businesses describing what they do.

I guess the original idea was to show that a business was going to take the extra effort to find out what the customer needed. For example if someone wanted to buy some office chairs, a business that provided "office solutions" rather than "office furniture" would take the time to find out exactly what their problem was, and possibly end up selling them (for example) parts for their current chairs, or better desks, if that was a more appropriate way to deal with the problem.

However, if you asked a business, for example, "what's the difference between the 'advertising solutions' that you provide and 'advertising'?" I doubt very many would have a coherent and believable answer.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 22:48, 2 replies)

Prolly
see below - death?
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 22:10, 6 replies)

***"IMPACT"***
Fucking cunts. IT'S NOT A FUCKING ***VERB***. Least not the way that I learned English. You *can* have an "impacted" TOOTH, but no, your shite ad campaign has NEVER "impacted the target demographic in a big way," you slimy little marketing scumbag mouth-breather DOUCHE.

It's prolly already been said on here, but I don't have the time to search, so I hadda get it out of my system. And, again, probably redundant, but Bill Hicks was right on his advice to ignorant twats in marketing/advertising: KILL YOURSELVES. Kill yourself, kill yourself, KILL YOURSELF. You'll be doing the world a favor.

And yes, I realize that there are COGENT people on here who happen to work in marketing of one form or another, but y'all know the twats I'm talking about most of all, don't you.
(AnntichristSCoulter, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 22:07, 13 replies)

Brought
As in "look at what I brought at the shops".

I just close my eyes & hope & pray that when I open them it will be a claw hammer or a dictionary. But it never is.

Maybe I should buy a hammer & excitedly exclaim "look at what I bought", before caving their skull in. I'd probably feel they brought it upon themselves.
(nonstopdancer, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:55, 2 replies)

That atrocious American gimmick of pronouncing "herbs" as "erbs".
Eddie Izzard is quite correct: there's a fucking H in it.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:50, 6 replies)

Kid I know
Constantly says
1) LOLCAKES
2) SHAM

Words cannot describe the negativity generated.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:49, 5 replies)

Synergy
Is a song by The Shamen about getting off your tits on ecstasy. Which anyone using the word in management-speak should be forced to do.
(lolwhites, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:37, Reply)

egg flied lice
this was funny once, i'll admit. when i was eight. you're not eight any more and neither am i, you don't need to make the same joke every time you get a takeaway. got that?

this has nothing to do with political correctness, just unfunny monotony. like a t-shirt with a witty slogan, even if it was funny the first time, it's going to start to grate after a while

rar!
( spacefish bong!, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:33, 1 reply)

proactive
My boss used to use this in every sentence to sound more modern and cutting edge. "These business cards need to be more proactive, put the address in bold!" Tosser...
(spidergoat, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:29, 1 reply)

"Gets on my tits"
gets on my tits.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:27, 2 replies)

Going forward..
..gets right on my tits.

What was wrong with 'in the future'?
( cupboardy, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 21:02, 2 replies)

fish and chips
this is something i do which, while not directly annoying, is probably very annoying to anyone who has to work out what i mean. you see, i'm a scatterbrained sort of fish, and my vocabulary has run into clumps in some areas. to be specific, anything that you might buy from a fish and chip shop is called fish and chips. ANYTHING. even if it's sausage and chips, roe and chips, or a pickled egg. sometimes it gets generalised to all takeaways: "i fancy fish and chips." "what sort?" "chicken chow mein." so yeah, sorry to anyone who's had to do the takeaway thing with me
( spacefish bong!, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 20:49, 2 replies)

the usual management rubbish
Given that I work in an office environment, I get wound up by a lot of the things people have already mentioned.

My all time irritant is "holistic" as in "we need to take a holistic view of the situation" Gah! Why, oh why must people feel the urge to use words like this when simple options are available.

The newest one I've come across is using the word "tin" when referring to PC's. Why for gods sake, it makes no sense its not even clever and no bigger outside you and your cunty mates know what you bloody mean!
( Rhubarb_Triangle, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 20:38, 5 replies)

As a marketing manager for a small company...
... one of my responsibilities at work is creating brochures full of flowery rhetoric, a task which I quite enjoy because it lets me at least somewhat flex the creative muscle (through Adobe Indesign, Photoshop & Illustrator), at work. Another similar role which I undertake is to regularly craft eloquent press releases on our latest new product launches or project successes.

I do all this listening to last.fm or some other streaming music station on my headphones.. Why?

Because every time I take them off, I hear our cretinous sales girls two desks over, referring to our new video encoder hardware as "us new codecs", or their PC as a "'puter". (Said how it sounds... like poo-ter)

Our company creates technical solutions project by project for some of the most prominent sites in our field in the world. We have a fantastic, SEO optimised website, professional product and solutions based literature and a great product set.

We get lots of enquiries.

The vast majority of which fail to materialise into orders (at least in the UK office), because of the profound inability of our sales staff to speak their native tongue.
(Winston Kennedy, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 20:27, 4 replies)

Chillaxing.
Chillaxing.

Argh.

That's it.

No profit.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 20:22, 5 replies)