tarbin's top ten tips for pissing off cold callers
10. Answer the phone with "Blue bear, blue bear, this is red bull", and before agreeing on having a conversation, get them to say the 'secret phrase'

9. Agree with something they never said: "Yeah, shoot em all. It's the only language they understand"

8. Answer the phone with "Chello, Mexican embassy? *sneeze* Chow can I chelp joo?"

7. Answer the phone with "Jim's taxidermy? You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!"

6. Shout every third word of your sentence. Or do it in some sort of Fibonachi sequence.

5. Mimic the accent of the other guy on the phone. Works particularly well with Northerners.

4. Pretend they have called the local Chinese restaurant, and keep confirming with them that they want "Number Fifree free wiv rice".

3. Cry down the phone and keep asking them why nobody understands your 'crippling emotional dysfunction'.

2. Keep asking 'why?' at everything they say.

1. Pretend to be interested in what they are saying, then slowly make the conversation more and more surreal. Some suggestions include:
a. pretending you are interested in taking a loan because you are an international criminal who spent too much money trying to kill James Bond, before realising that he doesn't exist.
b. pretending you are interested in double glazing in order to 'stop the bees getting me'
c. pretending you need that new car loan in order to drive to your new giraffe farm. Those giraffes won't be able to teach themselves the harmonicca, eh!
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:23, 27 replies)

On a slightly less surreal note
If its someone calling up trying to sell you a mobile phone deal or something, you want to slowly turn it round and start pitching a (fake) sale to them :D
( unsey a frizzy haired fruit since, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:49, closed)

Or you could try
not being a knob to someone who has a shitty job anyway?

/coat
(w0rmwood pearl, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:30, closed)

When they stop calling me at 7 in the morning,
I'll stop being a knob to them.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:58, closed)

you know what you are?
Wacky.

You must be so proud.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:46, closed)

Mocking their accent
Will definitely give it a go *click*.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 14:05, closed)

Some useful tips and hints...
have you ever considered marketing theses? You could ring people up at random from the phonebook and try and sell them a book- oh, hang on...

Nice work there though, matey.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 15:06, closed)

So, to recap....
We have 'comedy' foreign accents, we have second-hand Simpsons crank calls, we have pseudo-clever 'psychological games'....

You are Colin Hunt and I claim my five pounds.

Having been lost for words for a few moments over the excruciatingly 'wacky' nature of this post, I have at last found one.

Pitiful.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 16:27, closed)

Hi
Please read the FAQ, cheers.

www.b3ta.com/features/faq/#post

Don't:

-Be nasty or offensive to other boarders
-Be boring
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 16:35, closed)

Luckily for you
there doesn't appear to be a 'don't be a 'comedy' racist' instruction, eh?

*EDIT*
It has been pointed out to me there there is one:
'Please don't use b3ta as an outlet for racism'

May I also add my own little coda:


'Please don't be an over-sensitive helmet'


*EDIT 2*
You should have your own show - maybe you could call it WACKY RACISTS?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 17:09, closed)

I suppose it was quite oversensitive of me
To flame somebody for writing a post that I was neither forced to read, nor forced to comment on. I guess I was also pretty over-sensitive considering I have written things such as
"Trampolines are gay" (which presumably is homophobic),
Quoting the 'wheelie bin' joke (http://www.sickipedia.org/search.php?q=wheelie+bin, which I guess is 'comedy racism' at it's best)
and whatever 'comedy' accent this was:
"Veh goot
Me likee".

Oh wait a minute... that wasn't me, that was... you!

You hypocritical cunt.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 13:46, closed)

Fucking hell, you have taken this website far, far too seriously.
Also, your original post was pretty crap. Get over it.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 15:53, closed)

Oh dear
You really have FAILED here, old stick.

I will be the very first to admit that I have violated probably EVERY SINGLE RULE within the FAQs. I've made comments that are racist, homophobic, offensive to scopers/spastics, downright rude, certainly horrifically pedantic and am doubtless regarded by some as a NASTY INTERNET BULLY.

But (and herein lies the rub) I don't care. Not one tiny little bit.

I'm not the one crying on about how some nasty man was rude about my post about how I'm a kerrrazy character on the phone.

I've made hundreds of posts over the years, some have made the Best Of page, some I've been completely ripped to shreds over. BUT I DON'T CARE.

It's the internet for fuck's sake. MAN THE FUCK UP.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:00, closed)

Oh you've gone and done it now
Those capitals are gonna make him cry.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:03, closed)

He'll tell teacher
and then I'll get a detention for sure.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:25, closed)

Shut up, you big fucking girl.
Coming over here, taking our bytes with your cold, cold logic.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:25, closed)

I now have 'cold, cold logic'
playing to the tune of 'Ice Ice Baby' in ma heid.

Thanks for that, 'mate'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:31, closed)

Under pressure?
Haha 'mate'
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:32, closed)

I don't mind being called unfunny,
but I take offence to being called a racist. Now let's all just chill out and listen to Who's Next (the greatest album of all time) aaahhh
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:46, closed)

Well if you don't like being called racist
don't post stuff with hilarious "comedy" racist jokes in it. Taking the mickey out of chinese accents is the sort of thing that Jim Davidson does. It's not funny, it's shit, and it is a bit racist. Not horrifically racist I grant you, but the sort of people who think that going "Aaaah-Sooo egg flied lice mee likey" is gut wrenchingly funny tend to be the sort of people who also think "They all look the same" or "They all fucking stink of curry"
( Bazongaloid, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:58, closed)

I liked the mimic the accents bit of the OP
So if you phoned me and I said to you something like "why aye man diven't hoy tabs at wor puff" would that offend you? Is it OK to mock regional accents but not forins? Fast Show, Reeves & Mortimer, Harry Enfield to name a few examples with comedy scousers, brummies, people from Hartlepool, all as dodgy as Jim Davidson?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 17:40, closed)

I for one
would watch Wacky Racists at least once.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 9:35, closed)

*pitches idea to Channel 4*
well, what with the Big Brother-sized scheduling hole, I'm thinking now's the time for some fresh ideas of ways to entertain racism fans.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 13:49, closed)

When getting a cold call and if I can manage not to laugh too hard,
I have found that after I ask them what they are wearing and if they will take it off for me and where and when can we meet works really well to get them to hang up.

No one has ever told me what they were wearing or agreed to go out with me. I don't understand why.

Just hanging up works pretty well too but is not nearly as much fun.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 12:54, closed)

How to answer the phone to O/B Callcentres
While a student, our flat had a whole list of options to answer the phone to callcentres with (we had Caller ID, and the rule was: if number is withheld, then pick from the list).

Examples:
* "Markinch Monastery: Duty Monk speaking"
* "Domino's Pizza"
* *funny East European accent* "cHallooooooooooow?"
* "Wonky Donkey Bar and Grill"

but the one that always confused the *hell* out of them was:
"Can I speak to Steve please?"
as it got them on the hook of

"But we called *you*"
"Nah, mate, *Steve*"
"Look, I've got a survey"
"Iss *Steve* I wanna talk to - 'is 'e vere?"
"You could win a holiday"
"Aaaaaaahhhh Steve, you old laad - you're 'avin' a larf wi' me, aincha?"
and so on
(MartinB9999, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 15:42, closed)

I BET you own a Simpsons tie.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 17:36, closed)

and
Star Trek socks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 13:50, closed)

Cheer up you miserable b3tards.
Stop arguing and get a sense of humour. You all clearly got out the wrong side of bed this morning.
( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 10:19, closed)