The Eyebrow
I went to the Edinburgh Book Festival a few years ago, kind of on the spur of the moment. At some point during the day we realised we were quite hungry, and there was something (can't remember what) happening shortly that we didn't want to miss, so we decided it would be sensible to head in the direction of the refreshments.

Rather surprisingly it actually wasn't that busy, so we charged through the door narrowly avoiding flooring a middle-aged gentleman coming the other way. He looked at me and simply raised an eyebrow, somehow simultaneously conveying surprise, disapproval and admonition.

Yup, I'd nearly flattened Michael Buerk.
(Photon wasting your time since, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 1:22, Reply)

Patrick Mcguiness
came into the nightclub I worked at once

dink dank doo

I also bumped into Benji Webbe (vocalist of Skindred) last night after their gig, which was also a nice suprise
(Lord Chode, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 1:02, Reply)

Page 3 Model lack of secondary talent shocker
I got to see, perennial tit waver, Michelle Marsh "DJ" on Wednesday night up here in God's own county. She said if anyone had any requests just to ask. Apparently she didn't have the record "Get your tits out for the lads" in her box. One of the few things that's not been in her box recently then.

Length a couple of whoppers and the odd 7 inch single.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 0:52, 1 reply)

Graduation day many years ago outside the ceremony hall
I noticed the familiar looking tall skinny long haired guy who looked somewhat out of place standing among the M&S outfitted mums and dads and tried to place him.

Being the big mouthed fuckwit that I am, I blurted out "Cara's dad looks like Iggy Pop". A hush fell over my circle of friends and I was quietly taken aside and told in no uncertain terms that Malcolm Young does not like being compared to Iggy Pop.

Fucksocks.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 0:42, Reply)

I think my hatred for Bono and the turgid shit that U2 have been churning out of late is now legendary on here
since this was made for me by Coopsweb www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XGvLYo84FE

Never met the guy, but I'm pretty sure we wouldn't get along if I did
/Insert Honda accord joke here
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 0:34, 1 reply)

"don't you know who I am?"

Anthony Worall Thomson in the back of my old mans cab, gets miffed my old man doesn't know where a particular restaurant is in the pedestrianised bit of Covent Garden. They start to get more miffed at one another resulting in AWT using the age-old line "don't you know who I am?!" to which my old man replies "I know exactly who you are you cunt now get out and fuck off".

Love him. (my old man, not AWT)
(Beejster, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 0:18, Reply)

00...ARSEHOLE
Waiting for a business class flight in Edinburgh back in the early noughties, our fair haired 007 was hardly known and pre-hollywood makeover (uglier). Still, the arrogant arsehole failed to apologise for stepping on my foot, acted like a diva -not making eye contact with anyone - and did not utter a word to anyone the whole way back to London, not even to me in the seat next to him. Git.

Pierce Brosnan Rocks.

x
(Beejster, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 0:10, Reply)

The tube
You know when you're on the underground, you're supposed to stand on the right on the escalators? And you know those ignorant people who don't, who get in all the running people in suits way? You know you glare at them when one stands near you on the wrong side, getting in the way? I glared at the man stood on the step behind me, on the wrong side.

I glared at Richard E. Grant.

Oops.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 23:09, 4 replies)

Dr Legg
Many years ago I knew two extremely rough old dykes by the name of Diane and Pauline. Pauline looked like an emaciated 14 year old boy. Diane looked like Taggart. They used to stagger round Walthamstow pissed as farts and get into fights with random strangers. In short, I knew them only vaguely and was thankful for it. There is only one reason while I still think of them with anything approaching fondness (and, truthfully, it's more fascinated horror than fondness...)

They were on a train to Brighton one day when who should enter the carriage but EastEnder's erstwhile GP, Dr Harold Legg (respected thespian Leonard Fenton). He sat down opposite Diane and Pauline, who by this stage were steaming on Tennants Super. Diane retold the story thus: "'Ere," I said to Paul, "It's Dr Legg! Oi, Dr Legg! How you doing, Dr Legg? Alright? Eh? Eh, Dr Legg?" I can only imagine this elderly gentleman's dawning horror as the hour-long train journey in the company of these two pissed up, mouthy lesbians stretched ahead of him. So, apparently, he ignored them. Big mistake. Diane got offended. "Oi! Dr Legg! What, you're too good to speak to us then, eh? Well, Fuck you! Fuck you, Dr Legg!" It continued in this vein until by all accounts the poor man made his exit from the carriage, followed by Diane, screaming the legend that we still repeat to this day: "OI! DOCTOR LEGG! YOU CUUUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTT!!!"

Can't help it. Still cracks me up...
(MrsP, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 23:00, 1 reply)

Johnny Borrell
I called him a cunt.

No further explanation required I believe
(voodo_kinky, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 22:40, 1 reply)

David Copperfield
Me and my bro were on our way to Brazil via NY. We were shooting some music clips so had some small old school 16mm film cameras in our bags.

We get in at Kennedy at around 5am.
The place is deserted except for a lone black dude doing a bit of sweeping. Down the other end of the big hall there's a guy chatting on the phone in one of those see through plastic 'bubbles of silence'.

He seemed to be having an argument and didn't notice us as we clicked on our film cams and rolled in on him. David Copperfield yelling on the phone in slow motion and then turning and glaring at daggers at us both beatifically smiling at him behind our cameras.

This was back when he was going out with Claudia Schiffer. I've always wondered if it was her he was arguing with...


Oh yeah - and i once farted in a lift with Jeremy Irons.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 22:09, 1 reply)

The Wire
A while back between jobs, when I should have been getting a job and sending CV's off, I tucked into the 5 seasons of the Wire back to back. Bliss. Absolute bliss - but guilt ridden bliss.

You know how it works - just one more and I'll look for a job - just one more - and I'll do the jobs the missus wants me to do - just one more and I'll get a life but then before you know it - eight hours have passed and I haven't even cooked a dinner for her when she gets home and I'm still wearing my dressing gown.

One night I remember laying in bed next to her with one eye and ear open for her to goto sleep and then sneaking out of bed to get my next fix coz I couldn't wait until morning. I even nearly called her McNulty once. I bloomin loved the Wire and I will still bend anyone's ear about it at any given chance.

Then a couple of weeks back I went to the premier of the film Creation and there he was - McNulty. Bloomin McNulty. His daughter is in the film and he was her chaperone on the film. I couldn't believe it. McNulty! Here he was. What do I do? What shall I say to him?

I brushed past him and nudged him with my elbow.

Sober brushes with celebrity aren't nearly as entertaining as the drunken ones.
(twistngo, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:47, Reply)

His name was rio..
I'm an Everton fan and a few years ago my missus bought me tickets for my birthday to go and see Everton v West Ham.
Everton won six nil, I'd stocked up on merchandise, had a few beers and we made our merry way home.
after the beer i needed to stop for a piss so we pulled in at the next service station. As my missus is pulling in, this mong in a tracksuit decides to step out in front of us, cue my leaning over slamming the horn and giving the standard hand signals & range of expletives. As i'm half way through doing the wanker sign i suddenly think "I know that bloke" at which point i realised it was rio ferdinand, of (at the time) west ham & England.
When I went in to the service station he was sat in BK with a couple of people taking his pics & getting his autograph. To be fair, he'd obviously had a shit day, he'd travelled from london to liverpool to get spanked six nil and then on his way home nearly gets mowed down by a woman in a metro, but he was still happy to talk to people and do the usual celeb thing.
I went up to shake his hand, and whilst chatting to him grabbed my everton shirt and said "this is the closest you've been to one of these all afternoon isnt it?!". I thought it was funny but he didnt look overly impressed so I made a hasty retreat.

Length? about 6' 4", he was massive!
(Singo69, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:28, 2 replies)

I once pulled that Ulrika Jonnson
things went well, and I stayed the night.
I was a bit pissed, so I may have said something out of turn, cos the mardy bitch hasn't said a word to me since
(big fat cocks, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:22, 3 replies)

My Dad Vs. Jimmy Hill
My Dad was out drinking with my Mum and he got a little bit pissed. He goes to get another round and who does he spy sitting at the bar, none other than Jimmy Hill.
Jimmy is sitting having a good time with, in my Dads words 'a young tart who was really getting off on what Jimmy was saying'
My Dad swaggers up to him and taps him on the shoulder. Jimmy turns and my Dad says, 'You're that football bloke off the telly aintcha?' Jimmy looks at the girl with a smug little smile on his face when my Dad follows up with 'Yeah, you're that Des Lynam..'
Jimmy realizes my Dad is taking the piss just turns back to the bar with the words, 'Cunt....'
(mousemonkey, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:12, 1 reply)

Celebrities are normal people
My experience of celebrities used to be being a music journalist. Musicians are pretty much all the same: their ego is in their work, ask questions that showed you actually listened to the music and they'll eat it up and respond in fantastic detail. Bless.

My current experience of celebrities is apologising about how their Wikipedia entry is a bit shit and telling them how to complain (tell your pet celebs: a note to [email protected] will get someone with a brain looking it over and deleting the unsourced bits). Not the most groupie-friendly environment.

Closest I've come to shagging a celeb is shagging Internet journalists. This is not much of a second-hand claim to fame.

I once had someone go all fanboy on me because he'd read my Usenet posts and thought I was cool. What the shit.
(Divaesque, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:02, Reply)

My Dad Vs. Dawn French
My Dad was walking past a Central London restaurant when through the window he spied none other than Dawn French sitting eating with her family.
Dad stopped dead and just gawped at Dawn chomping away oblivious to his presence. So he knocked on the window.
Dawn stopped filling her face and slowly looked up to be greeted by my pop just staring back at her. In the words of my Dad, 'she made a really 'horrible' face, poked out her tounge mimed the words 'FUCK OFF' and put up her middle finger.

My Dad seems oblivious to the fact that all poor Dawn wanted to do was eat her dinner in peace and not have some squat middle-aged hairy Irishman ruining her meal.
Now whenever he see's Dawn French in any form of media or if I simply mention her for a 'wind up' he'll exclaim, 'Fat bitch! Fucking stuck up cow! Make faces at me, she's fucking horrible.....'
(mousemonkey, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:01, 1 reply)

I accidentally insulted Kylie.
Sometime in the late 1990s, I was picking up a few things in the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, New York. The place was ridiculously crowded, so I figured it was one of their celebrity signing whatevers.

Having made my purchases, I ninja'd my way through the crowd, and asked a record store employee who the honored guest was.

"Kylie Minogue." He didn't seem thrilled.

This was back when Kylie was first trying to make her comeback in the US, before her "look at my boobs in this impractical dress" video ensured it. So, I knew her only as;

"That 'Locomotion' chick? She sucks canal water," I wittily replied, trying to get a chuckle out of the miserable retail drone.

The employee started laughing, but gagged it back, looking over my shoulder. I followed his gaze and realized that the autograph table was right behind me, and she was glaring in my direction, having heard every word.

I smiled sweetly, and added to her face, "Sorry, but you do." I then made a hasty retreat before the approaching security guys made it for me.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 21:00, 1 reply)

The finger.
I gave the lead singer of Wolfsbane the finger once. He rubbed his balls in my general direction. Good gig actually.
(Big D, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 20:46, 1 reply)

Simon Pegg
Sorry, can't bad mouth the man, instead a nice story about him.
This must have been in between Spaced and his rise to semi mega stardom. Sat in a pub in Finsbury Park with several people when my sister's friend did the whole 'whisper to make it seem less conspicuous, but then the whole table shuts up to hear what they were trying to say and makes it even more obvious than ever' and pointed him out.
Poor fella, just sat there with his friend, having a quiet pint. I'd had a few, so I thought I'd go and tell him just what I thought of Spaced.
Over I stroll, 'are you Simon Pegg?', looming over him (I'm about 6'3", so when some one is sat down, it's tricky not to loom). Looking up rather nervously, his answer was affirmative. 'Good, just wanted to say to you, I bloody loved Spaced, awesome show'.
Nervous look turned quickly to a much more relaxed smile, and we spent a few minutes talking about it, and he told me how they were one of the first people outside of Star Wars to be able to use the music, (used towards the end of season two, one of my favourite homages ever www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s4Hz5WRdtM&feature=PlayList&p=65568511959F9E42&index=36 about 7.30 mins in).
He was a pleasure to talk to, and it really seemed like Spaced was a labor of love for him.
Top bloke

Also have spent some time with Zoe Wannamaker, and blew up her christmas lights (no, that's not a euphemism), all brought about by going out with her step daughter for a few months. Again, a very lovely lady.
(badfiremonkey, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 20:44, 1 reply)

Paul Zenon
My housemate got Paul Zenon's number off a woman he met in a pub who claimed the 90s TV magician had given her his number after chatting her up unsuccessfully. Said housemate left a series of messages confessing a deep obsession with Zenon that he has had since childhood. The next morning we thought nothing of it until we bumped into Zenon in a local sainsburys, convinced that he was using his magic skillz to intimidate him, my housemate called and left an apologetic message later that night. But forgot to withhold the number he called from: my number.

I got the funniest message on my answerphone from Paul Zenon, saying that the number was 'a business number', that it wasn't 'cool to ring this number at all hours when you're pissed up and trying to impress your mates'. Fair enough. But don't give out your business number to tarts in bars, Paul.
(RiderOfRohan high:mid:low, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 20:37, Reply)

ressoT
Sorry about this, but I need to discharge...

Went for lunch today with three great friends in a restaurant nearby. The owner's a friend, so as the others disappear, I decide to hang on in there with a bottle of horrid stuff and swap stories.

We poddle our way through a decent amount of disgusting spirit, and the owner suggests that we might go back to his mum's place for a squint at the view and a last drink (no, you dirty minded little fuckers, it wasn't meant that way... unless he's lied about the girlfriend I met and the pictures he showed me...)

Arrive back at his mum's place, and indeed the view is great. However the restaurant owner suddenly comes in from the adjoining flat in floods of tears, saying that his brother has just hung himself.

I won't go into what I saw. The police have arrived and gone, and I fear that the little restaurant next door won't be open for a while.

I only wish that Jeremy Beadle were still there to tell me it's just a joke.

The only time I want the wee tosser, and he's not there.

No celebrities when you want them...
(groover j lazerus, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 20:30, 2 replies)

Coffee shop encounters
Working in a coffee shop in Glasgows busiest shopping street, I've served a few well known faces. Two of the nicest guys were Paul Riley and Mark Cox, who play Winston and Tam in Still Game. I remembered Paul's drink, having served him before in another store, and he looked suitably impressed with my psychic barista skills. Going from this, I asked them for an autograph - not for myself, but for a Canadian girl working in our store who had only recently discovered the joys of Still Game. They were more and happy to oblige, cracked a few jokes and left to sit down. I seen several people going up to them while they were sitting with their coffee, and they were more than happy to sign autographs or take a wee photo, two truly nice men.

Billy Boyd has been in a few times. He's quiet but polite, butevery time I see him I tend to turn to mush and can only squeek out: 'here's your latte'. I've never had the balls to ask him for an autograph sadly.

Gethin Jones and Camilla whatserface were in during Strictly Come Dancing last year - people actually followed them into the store and stood and gawped, then followed them again as they left...a bit weird.

The rudest celeb, well... I have a few pet peeves, but one of them has to be people who talk on their mobiles while I'm serving them at the till. One shift, a guy comes up talking on his phone, and mumbles something like 'black coffee' then continues his conversation. I need a few more specifics than this - for here or to take away, what size etc. So I look at him, and ask him these questions in my loudest you're-acting-like-a-twat voice, interrupting his conversation. When he gives me the cash, still on the phone, I roll my eyes and give him his change. It's only when he walked away that it twigged who it was... Robert Carlyle.
(Twinx, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 19:34, Reply)

I met a mate I hadn't seen for a while the other day
One of the first things he said was: "You'll never guess who I've been talking to over the summer..."

"...Rob Manuel!"

Apparently I was the first person he'd told who'd been suitably impressed. Internet-famous is a terrible curse.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 19:13, 3 replies)

Orville's Bitch
My mum & dad had a sweet shop, and back when I was 8 or 9, Keith Harris strolled in. As my parents were doing something elsewhere round the back of the shop, there I was standing all gormless-like on my own-io.
Mr Harris asked if my parents were about, and I looked at him blankly. He asked me if we sold glue, because he needed to stick some of Cuddles the Monkey's fur back on, and I looked at him blankly again. The moment then evolved into a long silence, in which he pretended to read the ingredients on the back of a Double Decker bar, whilst I stared at him blankly.
Eventually, he left, without the glue.
Probably why his career went down the pan.
(Figgy touched herself inappropriately on, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 18:53, Reply)

Interweb Famous
I'm currently supplying a voice or two on a game called Flare (http://www.arcceleste.com/index.html) with the lovely Ashly Burch, who is internet famous for Hey Ash Whatcha Playin or HAWP. Yes to be perfectly honest I'm just shamelessly plugging this game and secretly telling you trustful folk of b3ta that I think Ashly's thoroughly gorgeous but you're going to keep that bit schtum right?
(Necromental is a voice., Fri 9 Oct 2009, 18:19, Reply)

Some celebs are bone idle
Tanni Gray Thompson presented some awards at a local athletics club when I was younger. Afterwards there was a bit of a disco. I asked her too dance but she refused. Lazy bitch just sat there.
(monkj, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 17:47, Reply)

One of my female friends has a lesbian friend...
... who supposedly used to go out with one Louise Harman.

She is better known to the general public as Lady Sovereign.



Therefore, by virtue of handshakes and hugs being passed on, I have indirectly fingered a gangsta rapper.

'Spect.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 17:26, 13 replies)

In LA
I've met Xena, the Warrior Princess at Universal Studios and had my photo taken with her.
She went to put her arm around me and I said no thanks, I'm English and politely shook her hand.
Miserable cow pulled a right face, you'd have thought after been hugged by over-weight Americans all day she'd have appreciated the respect.
I should have asked to motor boat instead.
( Weejock, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 17:11, 1 reply)