Mum
My mum loves a bargain and places absolutely no value on quality.

She loves poundshops, and actually brought me to tears a couple of years ago when she proudly declared that she'd done the Christmas shopping at B&M. It's a family joke that she's so tightarsed that her shit's like cotton reeling off a bobbin.

However even mum surpassed her previous tightarsery the year that she sent me and the bro Christmas cards.

Aye, Christmas cards.

Given to her by my sister.

Whose husband runs a printers.

Who'd been given some sample Christmas card prints.

With the word SAMPLE ptinted on them.

On the front.

On the back

And on the inside.

She wasn't even inventive enough to make light of it all by doing summat like:

To Heyzeus,

Merry Christmas

SAMPLE

some ale and have a great time,

love mum x.
(Heyzeus, Sun 6 Jan 2008, 0:31, Reply)

a free car
im not sure whether something that was free can be considered cheap tat?
anyway a Kia rio!
did someone get paid to design this car? im 5'10 and i have to have the seat all the way back to drive it, which renders the back seat useless as only a Korean would be able to fit there legs in, either that of a todler

although its free and we thank the father in law for his hand me down's its fecking awful

but for now i shall drive it till the father in law changes car again, surely if he is giving them to me i should have a say in what he buys?

length - a silver looking dogturd created by a giant dog
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 23:32, 4 replies)

Commodore64 off ebay a few years back
Fought off a fair few bids for my boyhood gaming machine. It arrives in a fucked up Flymo Lawn Mower box wrapped in cling film. Ok says I. Takes it out of the box only to find 3 of the keys have been stuck down with Blu-Tack and the tape machine was held together with sellotape.

Bastard!
(Mr G to you , Fathead, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 23:24, 2 replies)

My boyfriend
is about to purchase a load of sex toys online, including a 10 pence cock ring. This may turn out to be a cheap tat story :P

Click 'i like this' if you would like pictures of usage of aforementioned sex toys.

I have no shame :)
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:49, 7 replies)

mmmmmm cheezy
cheapest tat... whoever says to you its like chalk and cheese they have obviously never tried kwik save cheddar
(robaloi reads the daily mail and eats pandas, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:42, 2 replies)

copied dvd
a guy i knew at school copied a film for me onto dvd, charging me a quid for the cd. Went home placed it in dvd player to be met with an hours worth of gay sex.

niiiiice

i kicked him in the nads...as you would.
(apo-dap, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:42, 5 replies)

My mum bought a microwave from Aldi once
It blew up.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:40, Reply)

A Renault Laguna

( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:36, 1 reply)

Bike
I am a student at Cambridge Uni, land of the bike. Thusly, I had to have one. First day of the second year (the first year I had spent being fat and taking the bus), I went to the local bike shop to get a shiny new mode of transportation.

It was shite from the second day onwards - I should have figured that the frame was too small, the brakes were lethal and it has no suspension whatsoever. It at least deters me from going to lectures, so not all bad :)

Lesson? Invest in a good bike. Simple as.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:25, Reply)

Tesco Value DVD player
Some DVDs cost more than this technological marvel.

Which makes it all the more shame that it refuses to play them.
( le brian, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:24, 4 replies)

Reduced to Clear Sainsburys Basic Coleslaw
I was asking for trouble.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 21:22, 1 reply)

Ach
There's one employee in the Croydon Poundland who's actually quite nice. She didn't question my lighter buying. Silver lining and all that.
(tty, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 20:55, Reply)

Dildo.
I once bought an older lady-friend a dildo. As you do.

Actually, it was a vibrator, but who's counting? Being a bit of a shy lad, I didn't want to go into one of those "Closed Shops" or heaven forbid, one of the "Ann Withercombe"'s that fill the high street.

No, I will purchase one from the local cheapie shop. Not your typical thrift store, this one crops up approximately once a year, just before Chrimbo, then legs it just before the rates are due to be paid.

Everything was dirt cheap.

So I hastily bought the device, then legged it. However I had forgotten one important detail - batteries. I had to go back to buy some. Yes, I could have gone elsewhere, and no, I didn't. The same girl was there behind the counter, looking all superior - she shouldn't have been. She was the one working in a tat shop.

Anyway, I gave the present, as a gag I hasten to add.

I was sickened to hear that the elder lady-friend made good use of it. Not for long mind, as it was as noisy as a lawnmower and woke up her kids.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 19:21, Reply)

A friend of mine sent away for a Russian bride.
Here's a picture from their honeymoon:


( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 5 Jan 2008, 18:54, 4 replies)

Aldiiiiii
My band friends and I take a great interest in Aldi.
Every Saturday we walk past this place of wonder to get to band rehearsals.

The game is to see how many cans of "RED THUNDER"* you can drink while remining conscious. Red thunder is the Red Bull substitute at only 29 pence a can!

It causes severe illness.


*The record is 6.
(CakeCat, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 18:19, Reply)

Sachet Love
As well as buying cheap tat all the time (which I blame on him being a hackney kid), my dad cannot leave a restaurant or cafe without taking at least 10 sachets off the table with him. Whether it's macdonald's ketchup or the 5p salt you get in the greasy spoon, my dad has it. Whenever i've asked him why he does it, he always answers: "Well, you never know when the time might arise when you need a sachet of salad cream."
(ladyflash Formally known as "oshi_", Sat 5 Jan 2008, 18:15, 1 reply)

His & Hers perfume set


From the 98p shop in Shepherd's Bush. Bought for Valentine's Day.

The wolf lady was not amused.
( 0% Interest Expand Reply Retweet Favorite More, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 17:22, 3 replies)

Just remembered this one
GF bought some air fresheners from some 'bargain' shop in Bradford.
'Tikala Parfum d'ambiance'.
Ripped the back off a few, placed strategically in rooms around the house and before long the whole house stank of cat pee.
Lovely.
Still got one in the cupboard under the sink.
(Tirtingsquirtle, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 17:04, Reply)

Soldering Screwdriver
Pound shop in Ilford. Found myself a lovely cheap soldering iron, I thought what could go wrong? It only needs to get hot right?

Opened the packet to discover I had in fact purchased some kind of futuristic multi-tool: a soldering iron with the head of a screwdriver! Genius. Presumably it can be used for unscrewing screws made from ice or something ...
(Mr_Rigby, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 16:59, Reply)

Not me but my Grandma
She once bought me and my brother a 'Walkman' each for Xmas. We could tell they were off the market, heavy as a housebrick and about the same size. I even remember the make: SORNY. And it took 4 AA batteries. 4! for crying out loud.

So I stuck a tape in, pressed play and it worked! For a bit...after a couple of minutes the music started to slow down and ground to a halt. I opened the lid to find one of the spools had melted and molten plastic covered the inside and my tape, ruined. My Mum laughed her head off.

My Brother's did exactly the same. Brill! At least SORNY made consistent products.

Yay for Pudsey market.
(Tirtingsquirtle, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 16:51, Reply)

I once bought an e-Machines pc
Oh, and I regularly log onto b3ta instead of SomethingAwful, because you have to pay for SomethingAwful.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 16:44, 1 reply)

More a story about cheap tat I didn't buy
Having fallen victim to plenty of so-cheap-it-must-be-rubbish products over the years, I am now proof against any sales pitch. However...

Went to see Rush at the NEC on the Vapour Trails tour and there were none of the tour t-shirts that my ex wanted left on the merch stands. We left after the show in slight disappointment but lo! there was someone standing in the car park selling knock-off cheap copies for about 1/3 the proper price and she was up for forking out for one.

Oh no, said I, the world-weary voice of experience; they'll wash out first time you put it in the machine, the printing quality will be rubbish, the t-shrt will be a reject from the Elephant Man clothing store.. believe me, it's not worth owning.

So she acquiesced.

Two months later she angrily tells me that her brother got one of these cheap knock-offs from the guy outside in the carpark when he went to the Earls Court gig, and his was faultless/pristine/wistood several washes with no problems. I shouldn't have told her not to get one and now I am officially a twat.

Balls.

On the other hand, taking advantage of the exchange rate I now buy all my band merch from the US at a $1=£1 equivalence rate so all my official gear is still half-ish price anyway.

/smug
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 5 Jan 2008, 16:24, 2 replies)

The Argos Wood Chipper
My neighbour has a tree. It regularly donates branches to my garden and, wanting some mulch for the flower beds, I had a bloke-wave... go and buy a power tool to do the job.

Argos was round the corner and had a cheap wood chipper, so I lugged it home.

I stuck the legs on it (a bit difficult as two of the screws were missing - this should have been an omen, but I carried on with some of my own) and turned it on. A hugely satisfying whirring noise came from within.

I fed a small test branch in the top and wood chips came out in a shower! Hooray! This was fun. It made a huge noise too. Grrrrr. I called my g/f to observe my manliness.

I fed in a second, similarly sized branch. There was an ominous clunk.

It stopped. Never to work again.

At least Argos took it back. Made of cheese...
( chthonic, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 16:18, 1 reply)

Stupid, stupid, stupid
I tend to buy something unnecessary and gimmicky once every few months or so because I'm a man and don't seem able to say no (Wii, Gameboy Advance, Minidisc Player, Walkie Talkies, guitar, in-line skates etc. - all unused). So it's the week before Christmas, and I find myself in one of those cheap arsed sports shops that's had a sale for the last three years. And there, just beyond the chavtastic Burberry style hats and behind the faux Chelsea T-Shirts, I spy the one thing that I've wanted since childhood, a BMX bike. With no make but the promise of gyroscopic brakes and stunt pegs I was hooked. I was unperturbed by the fact that it was so heavy I could hardly lift it and cheered on by the reduced cost due to yet another sale and carried it up to te counter (with the help from two others).

A week later, I unpack the box and start to build.

Two buckled wheels, a bent fork, a punctured tyre, and a lazy bloke who can't be narked to take it back. There's £60 I won't be seeing in a hurry. Cheap munting piece of Oriental bullcrap.

Length? A bit longer (and a lot shiter) than a proper BMX.
(Nagano Lurkha Justice Campaign, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 16:05, 1 reply)

not me but... (another bike story)
not someone i know, just someone who's path i fortunately crossed

my girlfriends bike got nicked at uni
next day on my way to lectures, i see someone riding it, so i stop them and ask where they got it, down the pub for £40 it seems, they were some johnny foreigner who had bought it of whoever nicked it, but it wasnt his so i was taking it back, so he paid £40 for a bike worth 30 which he owned for probably no more than 12 hours
( wjh31, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 15:32, 4 replies)

Chinese Cut-throat "Safety" Razor
I spent 6 weeks trying to keep a sense of humour in China (land of the public dump). It was time to buy a new razor...

Now, bear in mind the reputation the phrase 'Made in China' has, then factor in that the stuff they export is actually of rather higher standard than the crap they produce for the home market. Presumably due to utter lack of safety standards. (Think American TV works on the same principle)

So, bought razor, went & lathered up & was about to drag it across my face. Did a double-take as I noticed the blade stuck out from the safety-guard-bits by about 2mm. Still puts my teeth on edge to think about it, think in terms of using a woodwork plane on a piece of pine wood... *cringes*

/length? Looked like Gerry Adams after a while...
(Veni Vidi Lurki had attitude constipation on, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 15:19, 1 reply)

Bloody icons.
I paid money for a tiny little picture that now appears next to my username on a website I hardly go on and proves nothing other than the fact that as a poor student, I'd rather spend my money on pixels than food.

If that's not useless crap, I really don't know what is.
( Woking Girl, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 15:18, Reply)

sellotape
I think I was 7 years old before I realised that other people had real sellotape. My grandmother invariably bought the stuff from an ethnic gentleman who had a suitcase of deformed specimens on a pitch outside the Rumford arcade or on the South side of Romford market. it was always making a break for freedom to one side or the other ( end rolls after slitting?) this exposed great areas of adhesive that picked up all the fluff in the known universe, there were air bubbles and buckles, and it always split.
It may have been half price, but it certainly wasn`t half as good.

So my early school projects were a collage of 3 inch max tapered lengths with included fluff and invariably several bits wouldn`t stick, at least until I spent some pocket money on real sellotape in WH Smith ! and the new fangled stuff you could write on, Ah bliss!

My dad at about the same time time had bought a little transistor radio which guzzled AA batteries.
ether Stratford or Ilford market sold bulk packs of Hong kong batteries which did the job but their leakproofing was a plastic shrink wrap over a paper label in red white and silver showing a bomb with angels wings and they were called..."Flying bomb" in a torch they went flat and you chucked them, In a radio, they invariably leaked and you had to watch them like a hawk for damp spots on the paper label. It was as if there wasn`t enough Zinc in the case and once started off the electrolyte just munched away. Many of my toys were ruined beyond scraping and metal polish`s powers to fix, hmm a very rough totting up suggests it would have been cheaper to buy ever readies
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 14:24, Reply)

An Acer Laptop.
Lasted for 8 months and 4 warranty trips before the hard drive failed and I sent the useless shite to the company who sold it to me. You get what you pay for, kids.

Sorry for length, but I usually lurk and I'm a little nervous so it shrunk a little. I swear it's usually bigger!
( The Master Baiter is coming soon, Sat 5 Jan 2008, 13:52, 4 replies)