Test
"I like eating cranberries and watermelons".

edit: I was trying a bit of reverse psychology there, I thought maybe if I actually typed in the food names the sweary monitor would get confused and change it to c**ts and f***ks...but fukkit, it didn't work.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 29 Dec 2004, 1:39, Reply)

watermelons and cranberries
Ha!
(DrTugnut, Tue 28 Dec 2004, 22:21, Reply)

cranberries
So 'cranberries' is used instead of c**t?

What do you use instead of the word wank?
(DrTugnut, Tue 28 Dec 2004, 22:19, Reply)

watermelon?
When I used the word F*****g it changed it to watermelon. That is a pretty 'watermelon'ing way of stopping cranberrys like me swearing.
(DrTugnut, Tue 28 Dec 2004, 22:18, Reply)

Xmas Nightmare.
Every time I opened a present to see the words "batteries not included" on the box as
MY MUM AND DAD NEVER HAD watermelonING BATTERIES IN THE HOUSE.

(On a brighter note - I did just watch my daughter open a doll that needed four 'aa's, when I told her the shops were closed she cried for hours. It is comforting to know that the cycle continues.)
(DrTugnut, Tue 28 Dec 2004, 22:15, Reply)

+
I hate everything
(Wrighty, Tue 28 Dec 2004, 8:19, Reply)

Plaster on a fake smile and plough through this s**t one more time
Well, my xmas is bad but not as bad as that...that sucks :(

Dec 25th: Forced to go over to "Posh Bitches", my sister who has more money than sense. Causes an arguement with me about not passing my driving test, saying that "I can't hack it" (briefly, failed test a couple of times and to add insult to injury, have to cancel due to me having an eye disorder requiring me getting one of my cornea's sliced out and a donor one put in its place)...to which I pointed out said eye disorder.

Therefore, forced to sit in her "ikea catalog" house, having xmas dinner and to quote bill hicks "plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time", as she has more money than sense, showing off. Yet, my parents clean forget that many moons ago she almost had us lose our house when she lived at home due to her credit card debts and had people trying to take our stuff. That, is now rendered into irrelevance now. Strange, that...

Dec 26th: my pikey chav sister came over with most of her several hillbilly council estate spawn. Only came down for an ulterior motive, and had the cheek to say that "Is that all were getting" when we gave them their presents. Had arguement with one of them and cracked said spawn around the head, as very clearly her mother couldn't be bothered discipling them properly. Another spills drink all over the table and kills a mobile phone belonging to one of the several "spawn". Said sister has lived off the fat of the land for 23 years and doesn't know the definition of work. Just drop a load of kids and live off the fat of the land, and her 17 year old daughter (one of the spawn) seems to be taking the same path as my dear pikey chav sister (she has a kid of a couple of months old)...and my taxes pay for these morons?!?!

Not forgetting that I have had to have xmas with my GF on the 23rd as there is no way of getting to hers, or back from (it's not miles away,just awkward geography as its 15 minutes in car yet 2 hours by the combination of bus and train). As there is obviously no public transport and taxi fares are double all because of xmas capitalism. As a consequence of said capitalism, it makes seeing my girlfriend over xmas tricky as she works in a shop, so other people don't have to.

Not forgetting the fact that my olds are dying of some really hideous flu and are coughing and barking everywhere. Merry xmas indeed...not!

Oh,forgot a detail. You may think "Why doesn't your dad help take you to your GF's??" - he is scared of driving then as "there are too many pissheads on the road", therefore won't. This is strange coming from and ex lorry driver who has drove every square centimetre of the uk and ireland. I mean, his car isn't a shed either (Nissan QX, N Plate - japanese Ford Granada or as I call it "Yakuza staff car"....twunt...
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Mon 27 Dec 2004, 21:17, Reply)

Bit in the ass this year
My actual Christmas Day was fabulous.

But...the next day, one of my favourite cousins (with whom I haven't been able to hook up for months) called me. I was very excited and squealed, "How are you?!?"

"Not good," he says, "In fact, I'm dying."

He's dying. Of AIDS. I'm half in shock and half pissed off. How dare he die? How dare he keep it a secret from me (yes, yes, I know, he has a right , bla, bla, I'm still hurt) And how dare he get sick when we're only in our 40's?

And then to frost the cupcake, one of our best friends and his 21 yr old son are on a cycling trip. On the west coast of India, you know , the one completely obliterated by the tidal wave, Yeah, that one. No one's heard from them yet. They left only a few days ago and so may not even be in India yet, but no one knows. We're waiting to hear, sick with worry.

watermelon, watermelon, watermelon. watermelonity watermelon.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 27 Dec 2004, 19:44, Reply)

The Leon Trotski's
the dump-fest began on the 24th after a quick holiday to Africa - 'DONT drink the tap water' was a message ringing in me ears after i had a gob full of it...

...subsequently have been enjoying Christmas sitting on the bog not even having to strain :-( Got the radio for entertainment in ere though :-)
(pissflaps. FSPW, Mon 27 Dec 2004, 17:22, Reply)

Dyinggg
Was fine christmas eve, got very stoned and mildy drunk and all was well. So Christmas morning I wake up and go for ride on my horse.. get back and promptly proceed to die. Spent all day in bed, feeling like teh shit. Woo yay watermeloning houpla.

And then I magically recover this morning! God hates me.
(mercary, Sun 26 Dec 2004, 17:36, Reply)

Im ill.
Extremely ill. I have a throat that feels like its being scraped with sandpaper every time I take a breath. My trachea is stuffed with phlegm, I have an extremely high temperature and am regularly experiencing what can only be described as convulsions. The house is flooded with fizzy drinks and chocolate and my parents have finally bought me alcohol but I am unable to touch any of it. Torture. Plus I smell awful but mother won't let me shower. Highly unattractive. It figures that one thing that I don't have is a blocked nose.
(Quiet, you!, Sun 26 Dec 2004, 16:18, Reply)

I got a peppermill.
I'm 21. I was hoping for alcohol and maybe a box of johnnies, but I got a peppermill. A freakin peppermill. From my relatives who really should know better. Great. They even had the thoughtfulness to fill it so I don't have to wait till monday to start my grinding. Oh well, at least there's the musical coasters to cheer me up... I can't even blame it on santa. What makes it worse is the awful realisation that I share DNA with these people. God, I'm depressed now.
( Milkman Dan, Sun 26 Dec 2004, 0:31, Reply)

You think you've got it bad?
I didn't get any damn money this year. Oh yeah, i got a gold watch, but can I buy beer with that?!?

Hmm, now there's an idea...
( Calqhoon, Sun 26 Dec 2004, 0:26, Reply)

2 years ago
My big sister ran downstairs to get me my present which turned out to be 2 goldfish. She was going too fast and dropped it over my mum and stepdads old record collection.

Cue 2 flapping fish being poked at by the cats, sister being yelled at by my mum whilst my stepdad clean the mess with my nan still asleep. I called the fish Yosho and Sasami. I think Yosho was traumatised cause it tried to commit suicide from that day on for 2 weeks till it finnaly rammed itself between an orniment and the bowl.

Another bad start was when before I was 10 when we got a letter from one of my (divorced) dads relatives in a card mentioning how sad it was that a great uncle and great grandmother had died which my father never told me about. nice
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 21:01, Reply)

Disaster!
Some bright spark at Asda put the wrong disc in the Halo 2 game my sister got me. Since that's the only present I got other than smellies and money I'm on here browsing through the sales now.

Bah humbug!
( beefandcheese, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 19:41, Reply)

my birthday is on the 3rd of January.
My girlfriend didn't tell me she wanted to break up in time for me to not buy her a Christmas present, but in time for her to not have to buy me a birthday present.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 18:42, Reply)

christmas dinner
so wake up open all those lovely pressies n go down the pub to meet the boys. in the wisdom 0f young lads to celebrate the birth of jesus we have several jd rounds. well eating the old turkey roast was a no go 1st mouthful and it all comes back up on the table in front of me nan grandad and rest of the table, calm as you like i just told them i was full and went upstairs to which i am now telling you of my bad day!! happy christmas
(passing out in a field and waking up with nothing on, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 15:00, Reply)

Carving the Christmas Hand
About 15 years ago my wife had much too much to drink prepping the big binge. Whilst attempting to carve the turkey, she sawed a good way through her thumb.

Spent the evening at Emergency getting stitches. My ghoul of a kid still talks about the sewing job the doc did. She still has a lovely scar. We tell everyone she got it in the Olympics sabre competition. I butcher the birds. No scars to show for it.
(shamblinthru Grasshopper! Next time use the potholders!, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 4:51, Reply)

My tree has died
Its gone all plasticky and stuff.
( Delete Me, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 2:14, Reply)

just now
i was just getting off the loo, i spray some delightful smelly spray thing, and put it down on a shelf we have above the toilet.

and the shelf collapses.

the shouting has just about died down, but i can tell its not going to be a good christmas
('Andeh', Fri 24 Dec 2004, 22:57, Reply)

Meeting the parents
Tomorrow I'm invited to my new man's parents for dinner. It'll be the second time I meet them, and the first time I found out they have three Christmas trees, a taste for "strictly come dancing" and a moleste display cupboard full of delicate china items. And I never got over growing tall, therefore being particularly prone to pushing things over and walking into walls. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be GREAT.
( vanja, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 21:51, Reply)

AARGH!
Being Jewish hasn't saved me...

As I sit here typing this, my Wife and her Grandfather are watching telly... and TALKING CONSTANTLY through every prog, ad, news bulletin etc. Ad for Currys? Grandad has an anecdote about some woman killed by a dishwasher. House Doctor? Long discussion on white vs magnolia. It just NEVER LETS UP!

I have SUCH a headache.... Thanks B3TA for the diversion.

(I really am going to kill someone in a minute...)

Oh - a couple of years ago my then 4-year old son fell in a mate's flat while chasing the cat, banged his head and we spend Xmas in hospital with him and an egg-sized lump. What fun.
(zarf, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 21:34, Reply)

woof woof spalt?
when i was 11 my dog, who liked chasing moterbikes, escaped on christmas eve

he last seen running towards the A45 barking furiously.

i'm sad today just thinking about it.
(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 15:39, Reply)

Nevermind
my old friend Alan lost his TV presenting job at christmas when he punched two guys with a turkey after a cracker fire. And his wife left him. Oh well
( Brown cow, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 15:14, Reply)

I hate the buggering mass of christ
I've just eaten christmas dinner, on christmas eve! mother dearest couldn't be bothered with doing it when it's meant to be done.
These days i live in the middle of nowhere. at least i don't have to visit retarded 'relations' and pretend that i don't want em dead.
( Brown cow, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 14:51, Reply)

o o o
last year went to canada to spend christmas with my watermeloning anoying retarded cousans. didnt get any presents cause the holiday was our present evan no me and my brothers didnt want to go so as you can imagine that christmas was shite. also i wasnt allowed to get drunk to make the christmas day a bit less suicideingly boring because im not yet 21. watermelon canada i watermeloning hate canada while i was in canada my mates went out and got watermeloning stoned every nite watermeloning cranberrys happy baby orangutans watermeloners.
(fwack bang on it, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 13:54, Reply)