Don't tell your kids.
There is a big fat beardy who breaks into your house once a year to leave your children "presents", but only if they've been "good".
Apparently the "being good" is arbitrary as long as they go and visit an analogue of him & sit on his lap and tell him they've been good. No wonder we have such a litigious society.

There is a furry who dresses up as a rabbit who also breaks into your place and tries to give your kids sweets from a stranger.
Sometimes the sick bastard even makes the poor, innocent little munchkins hunt around for them!

Supposedly both of these mother-fuckers subvert the Christian celebrations of Jesus Christ's birth and then death. & they both try and do these things to your kids while they lie there supposedly safe & asleep in their own beds.

There is also a "Magic Happens" type trannie who invades your child's bedroom area, steals a tooth they have recently lost and then leaves them money as tho they were cheap whores.
I'm pretty sure the tooth is ground down for its enamel to use in dentist's sink coverings and also used to add to a DNA database of "Tooth Losers".

My daughter loves hair-shirt Sunday. & don't you forget it English!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 3 Dec 2011, 4:01, Reply)

This isn't a conspiracy theory
because I don't think they're conspiring. But it seems to me that an unusual amount of politicians in Australia are fervently religious.

In America politicians have to say they're religious whether they are or not. But Australia isn't a very religious country. If anything people are mildly suspicious of people being 'too' religious. So if a politician says they're religious, they probably are.

Now even though over 90% of Australian adults claim (in the census) to be members of a religion, I'd say that in reality it'd be more like 10%.

And yet have a look at prominent politicians;

Kevin Rudd (former Prime Minister): "He is vocal about his Christianity and has given a number of prominent interviews to the Australian religious press on the topic." (from wikipedia).

Tony Abbott (current Leader of the Opposition): Former Catholic seminarian.

Paul Keating (former PM): Often talked about the importance of his Catholicism when he was PM.

I'm not sure why this is (if it's true). Maybe there's a personality type that's both attracted to and likely to succeed in politics, and attracted to religion? Hard-working, self-denying, wants to sort everyone else out?

The only effect I can see is that politicians are behind the general public on 'moral issues' like gay marriage. But still.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 2:45, 7 replies)

Apparently,
Santa isn't real. Pfffft
(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 2:33, Reply)

Americans only put their dates in the wrong order
to make it look as if they have a large number of very short months. The rationale behind this is currently unknown, but undoubtedly sinister.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 0:44, 8 replies)

Mexican Drug Cartels Control The Republican Party In The U.S.
Why is the Republican Party in the U.S. so keen to eliminate any kind of limitations on guns of any sort? They would have you believe it's because of principle, based on the Second Amendment to the Constitution and its protection of gun ownership, but it's actually because there is a huge arms-for-drug-money trade between the U.S. and Mexico. Republicans and their heavily-armed allies in the NRA are making just too much money off of the trade. The trade is now so brisk that Republicans are effectively the puppets of the drug cartels and will adopt almost any position their masters dictate. Hence propositions like those of Texas Governor Rick Perry regarding sending U.S. troops into Mexico to chase phantom Zetas (and also incidentally better protect cross-border drugs/arms traffic from the Sinaloa Cartel's depredations).

Trouble is, this just might be a description of reality, and not a conspiracy theory at all.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 0:42, 3 replies)

A Clockwork Orange - CIA Conspiracy
(Edit: bloody hell, it came out long, warning)

I worked in a bunch of libraries for a local government, most of which were in some pretty rough areas with a lot of gang violence. Like a lot of London areas, the rich live right next to the poor, so on the fringes of this particular borough was a rather nice little library in an oh so posh neighbourhood.

I got to work there one day.

It was nice to get out of the crazy big libraries, I say crazy in the mental capacity as libraries often attract nutjobs. So it was refreshing to have the Economist and Independant as the most sought after periodical.

One old dear, who was quick to mention that she used to be a barrister and threw in some high profile name drops for garnish, caught my attention quite early in the day. She pointed out that I was new and proceeded to quiz me on my political beliefs, reading choices etc, as old people tend to do.

I said I was re-reading A Clockwork Orange and her eyes just lit up.

She leaned in close, which was rather difficult as she was so small and the counter so high (purposly, to intimidate people into paying off fines) and whispered she knew that Anthony Burgess didn't write that book.

I said "bollocks". Politely. "He was a linguist, writing in that Russian/English style was just the kind of thing he'd do."

She corrected me, it was Serbian and Russian, and it wasn't British English, but American.

"Huh wha?" I thought, but she had examples to confirm her theory, things like names of places were parts of Arizona and Nevada. Agent names whose ranches where mentioned in the text. Supposedly if you followed them on a map it lead you to somewhere cool.

The Serbian was because the writer was from ... Serbia, then Yugoslavia. A Russian Agent of some kind who was doing something that would get him shot by both sides.

And the other writer, yes, there were two writers, was communicating information to the other through a complicated description of top security stuff. Some how in the form of a book, ah I don't know, it sounded convincing when she told it.

I couldn't really argue, you know when it's just pointless to even search for opposing points 'cos you don't really care as much, you haven't got the motivation to search through together for examples - there are ink stamps to refill.

"What about the name?" She pointed to the cover of my book. "Don't you know what it means, a clockwork orange?"

"Yeah...something like orange means man, another linguist trait, but I think it's derived from something Russian, maybe..."

"Serbian," she was quick to correct.

"And the clockwork bit relates to the free will."

Far too obvious, apparently.

"It is all hidden in the code of the book. Why would the Soviets and Americans be communicating under the guise of Anthony Burgess? It's all there, I have spent much time researching, asking questions. My house has been raided twice, my work sabotaged, all because of my probing for the truth.

"A Clockwork Orange is the world and the book forshadows the end of it all. The Orange is the world and the Clockwork is the machine which will ruin it."

I stepped back a moment, letting it all sink in. To be fair to her, she could pull a better yarn with the story than I can and I was almost ready to be convinced. She had a thesis on in, saved on a usb, which she could print and show to me.

I though why the fuck not? What if there was something to it?

So I booked her a computer. Genuinly interested in what might come my way, I sat at the counter and stroked my date-stamp.

Until...until she sat at the computer, pulled out her umbrella, and hid under it while she did her password.

I didn't even read it.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 0:39, 2 replies)

Rik Mayall is an MI6 assassin.
You only have to watch "Claire De Lune" and hear him tell his daughter to "Wear a seatbelt like a real Princess Diana" to know he was in on it.
Also, I wonder what Steve Coogan had against Rod Hull...
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 23:45, 3 replies)

Druids.
Someone once told me in deadly seriousness that Stonehenge was built in the 1960s using JCBs. This still remains my favourite conspiracy theory by far, being such a joyous combination of preposterousness, whimsy, and blatant evidence to the contrary.
(Timberwolf, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 23:35, 5 replies)

barcodes are of The Devil
Barcodes are the Secret Mark of THE DEVil!
Find a Barcode (this is TRUE) look at the numbers under it. Find one with a 6 in. Barcodes are just machine readable numbers, so each number is represented by a pattern of thin and fat black or white lines. Look just above the 6 in your barcode, you'll see the pattern;
Thin black line / thin white line/ thin black line. that =6.
Now all barcodes have markers to tell the reader laser the Start, Middle and End. these are the slightly longer bars that stick out the bottom, and they are standard on ALL BARCODES.
See them? thin black line, thin white line, thin black line?
ALL BARCODES HAVE 666 in them!!!!!1!!eleventyone!!

REV 3:17-18 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is a human number; and his number is Six hundred sixty and six. (666)
(captainweasel, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 21:20, 17 replies)

Jeremy Beadle didn't die of pneumonia ...
he was involved in an erotic asphyxiation wank, but couldn't untie the knot in time with his gammy hand
(uttertosser, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 21:10, 1 reply)

B*e*e*e*d gibt's net

( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 20:59, 1 reply)

Guy called Leo told me all this.
It's all in the numbers. For a hundred years, there's been a conspiracy of plutocrats against ordinary people. Number one: In 1945 corporations paid 50 percent of federal taxes. Now they pay about 5 percent. Number two: In 1900 90 percent of Americans were self employed; now it's about two percent. It's called consolidation. Strengthen governments and corporations, weaken individuals. With taxes, this can be done imperceptibly over time.
The entire executive branch is hand-picked. Nineteen of the last twenty-three U.S. presidents have been members of the Trilateral Commission. The Trilateral Commission is financed by the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds.
That's a think-tank. Anyone can become a member, but not everyone does. That's why they call it the "secret government."

You can't fight ideas with bullets.
Do you ever ask what it's for? The surveillance, the police, the shoot on-sight laws? Is that freedom? UNATCO teaches teenagers to fight when it still seems like a game.

Ever wonder why big car companies pay two percent tax while the guys on the assembly line pay forty?
Corporations are so big you don't even know who you're working for. That's terror. Terror built into the system.


(Yeah, I was bored)
(TheCastrator, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 20:52, 6 replies)

Voynich manuscript.
The answer to life, the universe, and everything, as dictated to the human race by benevolent aliens, only the chosen ones will ever be able to read it! AAAGH TEH LIZARD PEOPLE ARE COMING TO TAKE ME AWA
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Fri 2 Dec 2011, 20:24, Reply)

I have a sneaking suspicion
that the cake is a lie.
( Pig Bodine., Fri 2 Dec 2011, 20:13, 2 replies)

The best conspiracy theory I've heard
is that it's actually 2011 and we live on a planet called "Earth". My next door neighbour believes this, and he thinks his thoughts are controlled from some grey carbon based command centre. Bonkers.
(elixir of truth, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Not sure what they're conspiring against
but why is it that all packs of crisps are best before a Saturday.
Is there some massive Walkers/Smiths plan in action here to deprive people of potato snacks on a Sunday?
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 19:52, 3 replies)

SOYLENT GREEN IS SHEEPLE!

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 19:47, 1 reply)

Google = Government Owned & Operated Generated Lead Engine
You've all heard of Echelon - the DARPA project that collects every electronic transmission - however, data collection on this scale is highly inefficient. Why not use the internet to monitor what people are looking for, integrate that with their phones/devices and allow a more streamlined approach to individualized data collection? Such a clearinghouse would allow constant, real-time monitoring on a global scale, and instant magnification of persons of interest by focusing on an individual account. Such data mining could weed out terrorists, find skeletons in the closets of potential political leaders and sway public opinion.
(DeSade - is grannyfappin, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 19:24, 1 reply)

casanova
Or maybe it was Richard Madeley..used to put marbles in their condoms.
(lordy lordy, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 19:00, Reply)

You're all going to hate me for this.
But I think the Idea that Climate change is caused by human activity is bull. I would guess a cursory look at the evidence would reveal that we do not have any. The climate records only go back to 1900. This is not enough time to analyse any long term climate pattern. The polar ice cap has in fact expanded in recent years.
Before anyone says, I know the difference between climate and weather, and I accept that the climate can and does change, naturally.
So, why is it a conspiracy? It has been imposed by statist governments hungry for more taxation and needless military and welfare spending.
It is used to restrict our civil liberties and economic liberty.
As with almost any restriction on human freedom that is described as being for the public good, it ends up benefiting some elite (state or corporate) at the expense of the vast majority. This is why so many businesses or governments refuse to call it out.
Please, dont get me wrong. I SUPPORT almost ALL of the ecological agenda, from restrictions on harmful or "dirty" chemicals ,conservation recycling, all the way to reforesting large parts of Britain, but it just happens that the one I disagree with is the one the elite have chosen to focus on. And my mind is open to be convinced by rational reason, and good solid evidence, which I have not seen yet.
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Fri 2 Dec 2011, 18:51, 54 replies)

World in Not Going To End In 2012 Shock
Just read this on BBC News.

"A new reading of a Mayan tablet mentioning the 2012 date suggests that it refers to the end of an era in the calendar, and not an apocalypse."

What's wrong with the article is that there is nothing new at all about the above statement. That is and always was a lot of nonsense dreamed up to sell books, and perpetuated to sell red-top newspapers.

"There is no prophecy for 2012. It is a marketing fallacy," Erik Velasquez, etchings specialist at the National Autonomous University of Mexico, told Reuters.

The classic objection of skeptics that a mass misinformation campaign couldn't possibly work is refuted by the very popularity of these kinds of crazy stories. It's a metaconspiracy! People really are that easily led. This particular fringe belief only dates back to 1975, the date of 21 december 2012 was finally decided in 1983, but has by now captured the popular imagination and even inspired a film.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 18:04, 4 replies)

A vision in leopard print...
Whilst out in Liverpool a couple of weeks ago, we decided to start the night in a small town centre pub(The Beehive if anyone knows or cares) before heading out and getting right on it.

We had been there for maybe an hour, laughing, chatting and drinking when we saw her. Small, straggly medium length hair, scrunched up wrinkly old face that only God himself could put an age to and dressed from head to toe in leopard print clothing. And she was eyeing us up.

Not eyeing us up in THAT way, eyeing us up in the way that says 'I have something to say, and I'm saying it to you whether you like it or not' so it was no surprise when she bowled over and struck up a conversation. Nothing too bad, a bit of small talk - everyone seemed happy and very slightly relieved.

And then the conspiracy theories started and from that point on she was unstoppable. This woman was on a roll with topics ranging from Tony Blair's secret test tube baby (who she had been trying to phone for the last 3 years) to Yoko Ono being allied with the government to assassinate John Lennon. There was no subject that she didn't have a wacky theory about and then came the money shot (so to speak). She dropped her voice to a whisper, glanced consiprationally over her shoulder and then turned to us and said -

'The British Government had been trying to kill Princess Diana for years by making her walk through minefields holding AIDS babies'

The next few moments were a blur as we were laughing so hard and she was politely asked to leave by the bar staff.

As to whether I believe it or not, I don't care - it was fucking brilliant
(Irresponsible_Techie chin up, wet pants, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:17, 2 replies)

Home taping killed music
and internet piracy will do the same
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:13, 2 replies)

Harry Hill!
Love him, but he's trying to get me to go to Norfolk.

He mentions 'Swafham' in atleast 1 of his saturday shows, every week!

Go on, listen!

"this lady from Swafham should not go on white plastic garden furniture..."
(TheManofScience, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:12, 5 replies)

status quop are responsible for every major disaster since 1900
i've seen the pictures on /board
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:09, 4 replies)

The Chemical Brothers killed Jimmy Saville.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:08, 4 replies)

Project for the New American Century
Someone reminded me of this in a reply down the page, but I think it's worth posting up here.

From their own website:
The Project for the New American Century is a non-profit educational organization dedicated to a few fundamental propositions: that American leadership is good both for America and for the world; and that such leadership requires military strength, diplomatic energy and commitment to moral principle.

The Project for the New American Century intends, through issue briefs, research papers, advocacy journalism, conferences, and seminars, to explain what American world leadership entails. It will also strive to rally support for a vigorous and principled policy of American international involvement and to stimulate useful public debate on foreign and defense policy and America's role in the world.

From the Wikipedia article
The Project for the New American Century (PNAC) was an American think tank based in Washington, D.C. that lasted from 1997 to 2006.
...
PNAC's first public act was releasing a "Statement of Principles" on June 3, 1997, which was signed by both its members and a variety of other notable conservative politicians and journalists (see Signatories to Statement of Principles). The statement began by framing a series of questions, which the rest of the document proposes to answer:
As the 20th century draws to a close, the United States stands as the world's pre-eminent power. Having led the West to victory in the Cold War, America faces an opportunity and a challenge: Does the United States have the vision to build upon the achievements of past decades? Does the United States have the resolve to shape a new century favorable to American principles and interests?
...
The goal of regime change in Iraq remained the consistent position of PNAC throughout the 1997-2000 Iraq disarmament crisis.
...
By the end of 2006, PNAC was "reduced to a voice-mail box and a ghostly website", with "a single employee" "left to wrap things up", according to the BBC News. According to Tom Barry, "The glory days of the Project for the New American Century (PNAC) quickly passed." In 2006, Gary Schmitt, former executive director of the PNAC, a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and director of its program in Advanced Strategic Studies, stated that PNAC had come to a natural end:
When the project started, it was not intended to go forever. That is why we are shutting it down. We would have had to spend too much time raising money for it and it has already done its job. We felt at the time that there were flaws in American foreign policy, that it was neo-isolationist. We tried to resurrect a Reaganite policy. Our view has been adopted. Even during the Clinton administration we had an effect, with Madeleine Albright [then secretary of state] saying that the United States was 'the indispensable nation'. But our ideas have not necessarily dominated. We did not have anyone sitting on Bush's shoulder. So the work now is to see how they are implemented.
PNAC's successor organization is the Foreign Policy Initiative.

Signatories to the Principles included Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:04, Reply)

oh noes!
My tinfoil hat is at the ready!
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:04, Reply)

**REDACTED**
*******in order to****** ** * ***** ****** ** determined ** ** ****** ** ******. ******* ******* planet. *** **** ** ***** ** ** * **** ***** *** on the way to ******, ******* ** ** *** ***** ******* ** *** ****** ****** *** this.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 16:56, Reply)

They're already here people.
Hidden among us, biding their time, waiting to rise up and rule over us, implementing their rules and their ideals, shipping us off to special containment units while they wear down our faculties and leave us to die alone and confused festering in our own waste and regrets. And no one steps up to confront them, no one faces up to the bitter truth that it's too late, they are here and we're all doomed. Won't somebody think of the children?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 16:40, 2 replies)