As I used to work with a chef....
I'm probably not the best person to go out for a meal with (not saying im gorden "fucking" ramdsy, cos he's an cuntybumface).

But me, my wife and her perents went out for a meal to pub down the road, that, so we were told, "did good grub". So off we go, all was well, until we actually walked into the pub, this is where the nightmare started.

First of, we walk upto the bar, asked for our table, all good. But then over walks my ex.... SHE WAS OUR BLOODY WAITRESS! So I'm sitting there, with my wife and in-laws and the ex is coming onto me while taking our orders.(with blaten cheesey lines like "We've got some nice rump, I know you like rump Matt *insert sleazy wink here*). So at this point the in-laws are giving me shifty looks, and theres a nice air of silence.

So we finnaly get our food. My steak, was supposed to be medium, looked more like the cow had been hit with a warm frying pan and put on the plate. But the best bit was my father-in-law ordered beef wellington. Cuts it open, and inside, along with the beef and the patê, was a chefs hat..... one stinking, sweating, cooked, black and white chefs hat... (not the tall ones before you ask).

At that point, we promply left. On the way out, the ex steps out with a "Aww was good to see you Matt" and then tried to hug me, but she was quickly stopped by my wifes fist.... floored her in one.

Don't think we'll be welcome back again.
( SleazyMole Finally has an Icon WOO!, Sun 30 Apr 2006, 1:44, Reply)

croutons?
in 1991 I worked the kitchen George and Dragon Hotel near Exeter.

One Sunday morning the chef was preparing a huge vat of soup, to be served as a starter to everyone who ordered a Sunday roast.

We'd both been out the night before necking e's and whizz, but the smell of roasting pig flesh was getting to him more then me; he was turning greener by the second. He leant forward and puked a nasty green liquid into the soup, looked around and thinking no-one had seen, stirred it in.

I never eat out unless the kitchen is an open design
(globalloon, Sun 30 Apr 2006, 0:08, Reply)

I haven't really ever had a bad meal
Although it did once buy a prawn sandwhich from A Piece of Cake. Needless to say a spent the next few days getting to know the toilet a little better. Everything that went in would come back out instantly in one form or another.
(Cockfosters!, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 23:55, Reply)

It turned out to be quite profitable, actually..
A group of people and I, about six in all, decided to go to this new seafood restaurant that had just opened. We went early, to escape the crowds that would come later, and were told that the wait would be about twenty minutes. During that time we discovered that non-alcoholic drinks were on the house while we were waiting, so everyone got something in a nice new glass. Almost two hours later we were still waiting, the crowd had built up, and we decided to leave. I still have all of those glasses, they're quite nice, but I haven't been back to see if the restaurant is any good.
(Fodqou, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 21:27, Reply)

I went to McDonalds
and it was rather pleasant.

I have felt dirty, oh SO dirty ever since!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 20:32, Reply)

Dining at 110 Decibels
On two occasions my Aunt M arranged family fetes at a particular restaurant in Hollywood. It's a famous old place (since 1909, which may not be old in Rightpondia, but in Hollywood that's as old as old gets), and the first time I was looking forward to dining at (what I thought was) a snooty restaurant.

I get to the restaurant, and it's a huge box. Just a big mess hall with about 300 people. There are no draperies or tapestries. The ceiling is plain flat plaster. There are no internal walls or partitions. There is not one millimeter of sound absoring substance anywhere to be found, except for eardrums. It's a big echo chamber with an incessant clanging of plates and cutlery, plus the sound of a few people screaming to be heard by their dining companions.

I tough it out for the sake of the family. Afterwards my mother mentions that I wasn't very sociable. Yeah, right. I tell Aunt M that I had a terrible time due to the noise, and she asks "But wasn't the food good?" I try to explain that the quality of the food doesn't enter into it. I would rather have a McBurger than go into that echo chamber.

Aunt M and I will never agree on food. Her idea of good food is food you can neither smell nor taste. I rarely have objections to such food, but I do not wish seek it out nor pay high prices for it.

A year later Aunt M does it again. I am called to another soiree at the echo chamber. I point out how noisy the place is (which Aunt M does not recall). I suggest we go to some place quieter where we can chat. Again she asks "But wasn't the food good?" Anyway arrangements have been made, and someone is in town who must be taken to a "good" restaurant.

This time I arrive with a raging headache, and the restaurant is even noisier than before. As soon as the waiter takes my order, I walk outside. I come back a while later, eat my soup, and since there's no food yet, I go outside again. I come back, find the food still hasn't come, but I sit and wait for it. After I eat, I go outside for the third time. A half hour later, my mother comes out and sees me and says "Oh that's where you are." We discuss the meaning of being sociable. I point out that I am standing in the cool and quiet, ready to engage in conversation, while the others are inside the echo chamber. This wins no points.

A day or so later, I'm chatting on the phone with Aunt M. She passive aggressively berates me for walking out, though she admits it was hard to talk with whomever the guest of honor was. Then she adds "but isn't the food really good?" I again say the the food is irrelevant, and tell her categorically that I will not go to that restaurant again. Then she displays just how well I have communicated my point:

"So you didn't like the food?"
(Barticus, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 20:05, Reply)

Cheesy poo
I don't eat out much (ie once every year or so, if I'm forced to) as the crap veggie options get tiring after a while. Some relatives came to visit and insisted we went out for a treat. When I saw the menu my heart sank. The only starter I could have was either parmesan shavings on an olive oil-soaked flatbread, or fried brie. The only main course I could have was 4 cheese pizza, which could have fed Russell Grant. The only pudding I could have was, yup you guessed it. After forcing it all down (old indian relatives don't understand the concept of "I'm not hungry, no really, I had something earlier") I ended up with a cheese-headache of epic proportions and a toilet bowl that took 4 flushes and copious amounts of shampoo to clear.
(potahtoe, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 19:36, Reply)

My grandparents and the fluffy stew
Many years ago my grandparents went to some place in africa I believe (will post when I rememeber) and ordered a stew. When they asked what exactly was in it, the waiter pointed to a box of...live kittens.

True story.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 18:38, Reply)

Benidorm Chinky
I've had some shit meals, but this one topped them all. Let me explain...

A fortnight away involves a great deal of diplomacy and deliberation over where you go for grub each evening. No that's a lie actually, we always ended up in some Liverpool pub that was showing Euro 2004 games. The food there was shit, but not as shit as THE CHINESE!

Fucking hell, everything about this place was gopping; my pint was minging, it was in the dirtiest pint glass ever (I swear they must have found it on top of a bus stop or something). The lager (allegedly Fosters) looked like something a cow had shat into a mucky bucket. One of the boys, a barman at the time, tested whether the glass was a 'head saving' glass. So he cracked the rim with the bottle of soy sauce from the table and it subsequently smashed and my lager was all over my prawn crackers - LOVELY.

When my main course turned up, boiled rice, chips, and beef and green peppers in a black bean sauce., I thought they'd sprinkled mucus all over the top of it, because I swear, I've had hundreds of Chineses (home and abroad) and I'd never seen anything like it.

I got up, chucked my money on the table, and fucked off down KFC (where I saw some kid in an England top take on twelve locals with a knife and a plastic patio chair)... More than made up for the disappointment!
(Fatty Thornton, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 18:31, Reply)

De:alto Bluewater
any summer between 1999 and 2002

the chefsalways used to máke us close the restaurant between 4 and 6 so we could all go enjoy 1 50 stellas next door in mise en place, we enjoyed them a LOT

my service was alwys good, but the food was not, but you can "use complaints to your advantage" as they train you

broken glass in pizzas
caterpillars in unwashed salad and on strawberries
still frozen lasagne
a steak with a NAIL in it
thats the ones the customers actually found

it´s different owners now, god i miss it
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 17:32, Reply)

While waiting for the bus to the airport
I once ordered a "shrimp saganaki" in a small village outside of Rethymnon, Greece.
Now, saganaki is fried sort-of-feta cheese, and usually quite delicious. A shrimp saganaki I thought would be fried cheese with shrimps in/on it.
How wrong I was.
When my coveted food finally arrived I was confronted with a tin bowl full of hot oil. In the oil swam a couple of overcooked shrimps, and a lump of what probably once was cheese.
I ate about one fifth of it before my stomach started to cramp.
Luckily for me, there was better food to be had at the airport. Which says a lot about the aforementioned meal.
(natal needs a vacation from vacationing, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 17:10, Reply)

Crap. Diluted.
I stayed in Greece for a few days about 5 years back. It rained heavily the whole time. Went for a meal in a small local restaurant one evening, which was situated downhill from the main town. Ordered some wine, ordered some food, all very pleasant.

Well, it was until the torrential rain caused some kind of sewage overflow in the town, and a mix of rainwater and effluent came pouring down the hill. Half the restaurant staff were desperately trying to sweep the shitty water away from the door before it invaded the restaurant. The smell was, of course, phenomenal. Funnily enough, we left before the food came, despite the manager's promises of free wine if we stayed.

Actually, this story probably doesn't count as there technically wasn't a meal involved. Ho hum.
( Dr.A, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 16:45, Reply)

McWacko's
...Overheard in McDonalds on Hollywood Boulevard shortly after we arrived (must have been half past midnight, prime time for the crazies).
[Said by a Woody Allen soundalike to his 3 slightly ragged looking co-diners...]
"I don't know about Sea-food, but what about Dee-food and E-Food?"
This combined with seeing a tramp comically tiptoe in (think Elmer Fudd, 'hunting wabbits'!), nick a cup off a nearby table and get a 'free-refil' before being chased out by the manageress led to a large amount of carbonated beverage being expelled through my nose.
(DaysOfYore, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 15:36, Reply)

Crap Indian Food
My girlfriend's roomates are notorious for liking dodgy restaurants, but unfortunately for us, we didn't know that at the beginning of last year of Uni.
So, to make a long story short, they conviced us to eat dinner with them at this "wonderful little Indian restaurant" on the strip.
The place was actually and old frat house with the living area converted to be the dining area (uh oh). All over the walls and tables there are reviews and newspaper clippings; not a single one newer than 2002 (Strike two).
The waiter is this nervous looking black/indian woman with this overly severe indian guy about two steps behind her, yelling the entire way. After taking our order, she in him retreated intot he back (presumeably they were the cooks too?) - where I saw through a not-so-concealing curtain - the indian guy give her one hell of a smack across the face.
After about 45 minutes of waiting, I'd about had it. The final straw was the Chicken Saag the waitresss eventually brought me; it looked like someone had taken a right big soupy shit in a bowl. My girlfriend ended up with a bowl of something red, with clearish meaty brown chunks swimming in it (Imagine the eyeball soup from Indian Jones).
Sorry to say, I did pay even though I ate nothing but bread. I was just terrified I would indirectly lead to the death of our waitress.

Ah, sorry for length. First timer.
(junkbot85, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 15:22, Reply)

The Happy Garden
in Chinatown, London. About 8 years ago, I reckon. I'm not a fan of Chinese food at the best of times but was particularly not in the mood for it that day. However, democracy (i.e., my mates simply ignoring my protests) won the day and we went.

Everybody ordered starters and main courses, but it all came out of the kitchen at the same time.

"Er," said one of our number, "can you please bring the main courses after we've eaten our starters?"

The waiter gave my friend a withering stare that lasted about 10 seconds then simply grabbed all our main courses and dropped the plates on the next empty table. Now, hot food has a habit of going cold when left sitting around on a table, so when we finished our starters and the waiter passed our mains from the next table, another of our number said, "Can we have this food hot please?"

The waiter lost it. "HOTFOOD??! YOU WANT HOTFOOD! GAH!" and stormed off leaving an underling to take care of re-heating and - presumably - spitting in our food and returning it.

One day they'll learn to listen to me. Hasn't happened yet, mind.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Souvlaki in Greece
After a good number of beers in Ios, Greece my pals and I decided a Souvlaki (or 2) was in order.

Cue a long stumble to the nearest Souvlaki stall.

Chicken, Lamb or Beef was the choice. Lamb! He starts to make it, cuts off the meat when in a drunken flash I decided I wanted beef. Beef!

Then, dead pan in the most Greek accent ever he just said "Lamb, beef... beef, lamb" and handed over the one he was already making.

I eat it all, and then ordered a chicken one. Tasted the same.
(davidpfitz, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Quite a few
I've had quite a few dodgy meals.

* A run down pub in my hometown seemed ok but it took f*ucking hours to get our food, despite the table of about 8 of us being the only ones there. Cue jokes about it being quicker to go over to Sainsburys across the road, buying something frozen and microwaving it ourselves. With perfect comic timing a microwave pinged in the distance and the food was served a few seconds later.

* A Brewsters (asking for trouble). They had run out of everything (including potatoes!) so the beef dinner I had asked for was served with chips! (Granted they had given my daft boyfriend the choice of chips or baked potato)
The waiter hung around angling for a tip which he did not get on being a slimy little oik.

*Valentine's Day this year in a Chinese restaurant which is normally amazing. They do an all you can eat menu which is quite reasonable, but on Valentine's Day they did a smaller set menu which was vastly overpriced. We had horrible undercooked, over floured pancakes with the duck and the only extra that I could see was the scabby rose I received.

Bastards!
(Bunnygirl, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 13:15, Reply)

not a meal out
but a while ago i ordered a chinese from a local takeaway - when i tucked into it i found 5 rather small curly hairs in the rice. i phoned and complained about it. the boss came around - "apparently" not being able to speak a word of english - so i had to talk to his daughter down the phone so she could translate. for my efforts i paid out £20 and got £5 back for a meal i couldnt eat!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Turtle power
I was once a sales manager for a company in the forest of dean where ALL the pubs make hammer horror pubs (you know, strange locals that stop talking when you come in and stare at you because you've only got two eyes, that sort of thing)look like TGI's on payday, but I digress.
A sales/training meeting was arranged for a hotel in Ross on Wye (the one you can see from the M50). All 38 of us arrived and we were the only ones in the hotel. Dinner was called at 7:30, soup already on the table, lukewarm and congealing MMMMM!.We were then told there was no choice of main course, we were all having chicken!! TWO HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER the chicken arrived. Sauce welded to the plate and the chicken so overdone that a knife couldn't cut it, the only way to get any meat was to turn the chicken breast over and scrape out the last undried bits. Cue the Maitre D' getting the worst bollocking of his life, the waiters getting pelted with the dried chicken (which looked like turtle shells hence the title)and my boss getting us all to decamp to ALL the pubs in Ross to A/get horrifically drunk and B/tell everyone we met just exactly how shit the hotel/service/food was. The only guy of our party who did eat all of his meal ended up in hospital with a tear in his stomach lining, probably caused by the chicken!
Happy days.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 12:01, Reply)

Pluck a Duck
Went with the missus to a Chinese restaurant in the city that came very highly reccommended from an Asian mate of mine, and looking well forward to it - when the time came I ordered myself the cripsy duck - one of my very favourite dishes of nosh in any cusisine!

Duck comes out and I start hoeing in....but had to stop every few moments to pick bits of 'grit' out of the mouthfuls duck flesh...but being hungry and figuring it was little bones I thought little of it - and kept eating and picking.

Then the missus asks for a try of a bit of my duck, so I hand it over - and 2nd mouthful in, she makes a face...picks a bit of 'grit' out of her mouth....inspects the duck closesly and exclaims "Oh my GOD! It's still got FEATHERS on it!!!"

And so it did - most of the feathery bits had been burned off in the cooking process - but there - on the skin - were numerous hard end bits of the feather stalks - a few even still with a few charred - but unmistakably feathery ends left on them! The bastards hadn't plucked the fucken duck (Say that 10 times quickly after a dozen pints) properly!!

Worse still - when I called the waiter over to complain - he couldn't understand me - and after 5 minutes of what must have looked hilarious (for other nearby diners) pantomime to get him to understand the word 'Feathers' - he just shrugged. Didn't care.

I also complained to another waitress who feigned the whole 'No English' thing - despite the fact I had very clearly seen & heard her talking English to the diners at another nearby table earlier.

Needless to say - we were less than impressed and got the DUCK out of there after that and didn't order dessert.

Bastards.
(Ecky Thump Mozzarella you eh?!, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 11:04, Reply)

Curry Favour? I think not.
I'm a surveyor 'oop norf' and part of my job is to scoot round lots of properties every so often to value them and make sure nothing major has fallen off them or stoped working. Anyhoos lots of these properties are curry houses ranging from really shitty little ones to big posh 'uns with lots of chrome, LED lights and trendy furniture. I can safely say that the kitchens of most of these places are friggin terrifying. Proper black hole of Calcutta stuff. Needless to say I don't eat curries. Ever. No matter how pissed.
Mild apologies about length but I am a virgin.
(Opus_O_Rama, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 10:36, Reply)

I've never really had a shit meal.
I know how to make one though. If you swallow noodles whole you can vomit them whole.
Remember this.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 9:38, Reply)

Lonely Planet has released a food guide to Britain and Ireland
It's the timetable of the ferry to Europe.

The only reason foreign cooks jizz in your food is because they feel sorry for you.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 8:46, Reply)

I've had several meals I've flatly refused to pay for
Two were the only two times I've eaten at my local Outback Steakhouse (which serves garbage, prepared exactly how you didn't order it).

Another time was actually at the 4-star restaurant my sister's boyfriend (at the time) owned (which I loved and enjoyed often). The service was so poor and the food so badly prepared that I flatly refused to pay for the meal or leave a tip for service. He did get some feedback about that one.
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Sat 29 Apr 2006, 8:18, Reply)

all in London
found broken glass in my steak dinner at Leicester Square Angus Steakhouse.
Went to a really cheap Indian for a curry after the pub, Shepherd's Bush.
Girlfriend and i order the same hottest curry on the menu, we were pissed of course.
Chicken Bangalore Phal.
I eat quickly and consumed half before gf says " Bebe, stop eating".
I look up to see her holding tween fork and knife the unmistakable shape of curried hind leg off a cat.
We drank our lagers and left.

I didn't barf though.
Cat tastes slightly bitter.
(Man in Japan, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 7:51, Reply)

Jehova´s witnesses
I was about 17 when i was invited to my girlfriend´s country house a couple of hours outside mexico city. Her entire family was there, including many screaming kids. Said children found amusement in the form of knocking (hard) on the door and running away. As we are about to sit down for dinner i had enough and screamed "they must be jehova´s witnesses, tell them to fuck off!". A spooky silence fills the room, cue the repressed laughters of my girlfriend´s brothers and sisters as she wispers "my parents are witnesses....". Dinner was as silent as a funeral.
(JUANZO_BELL, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 4:28, Reply)

Three here:
1) At a place that no longer exists, I stopped in after having a pleasant experience. This time, however, cemented in my mind I'd never go back, even if it was only second time I'd been in. The first time I'd gone in, everything was properly spaced: I'd just finished my soup when the waitress brought my salad and I'd just finished my salad when she brought me the entree. Lovely. This second time, I'd just barely had half the soup when the waitress (a different one this time, I should add) brought out the salad. Okay. No problem. I've been in situations where I had to juggle soup and salad at the same time. Had a couple bites of salad when - ta dah! - out comes the entree. Barely enough space on the table for me to read my book! She never even came back to see if I wanted a refill on my drink. With cold soup and soggy salad, I finished eating and complained to the management. Got three $5 gift certificates but I couldn't bring myself to go back.

2) At another place I no longer frequent, the waitress brought out my meal but never returned with the ketchup or to check on how everything was: turns out she'd skipped out for her own dinner.

3) At still a third place that no longer exists, my SO and I stopped off with two friends who were driving through town for a quick nibble and some coffee. The food arrived tepid, at best, and "cheese sauce" on the french fries turned out to be a slice of processed American cheese that had been melted under the heat lamp on the service counter, but the corker was it was at least 30 degrees too cold in the place (and when I complain about the temperature, it's TOO COLD). We asked the waitress if they could do something about it, but it turned out the day manager was the one with the key that unlocked the cover over the thermostat and we were there on the overnight shift. All four of us complained and none of us had to pay for anything.
(BenPanced, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 2:36, Reply)

Chefs own sauce.
If you ever dined at the Tralee Hotel in Bournemouth circa 1985 you probably had the worst meal ever. A chef from Birkenhead used to really enjoy shooting his man-gravy into the stock pot.
(DrTugnut, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 2:22, Reply)

Crap Meals Out
The wife and I had checked out this Somalian restaurant that was written up in the local rag. The first time we went was only two weeks after they had opened, and the owner greeted each customer personally - and warmly. We were overwhelmed by their hospitality and care. The menu was loaded with lovely Mediterranean fare, all of it delicious enough to make a civilized man want to lick his plate. The lamb kafta kabobs were particularly outstanding. I thought I might impress the in-laws by taking them to this foodie heaven. As we enter the restaurant, we were for some strange reason seated in a separate room off the main dining hall by ourselves. Our server was rather short with us - nearly demanding our order when we had barely had time to take a glance. We got our orders out, and she didn't write them down. We waited for what seemed like an eon, then she brought our meals... but it was not what we had ordered. When we asked her what happened, she sort of mumbled something and ran out of the room, so we left. We didn't even touch the food, we just walked out. No tip, nothing.
(dilly of a doozy, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 2:16, Reply)

Keeeebab
After a night out there is nothing like a nice kebab. Trouble was the one I ordered was nothing like a nice kebab. To start off I had to have a fun game of pouring a hell of a lot of grease onto the pavement to make a rather big white puddle, Next came eating the thing, it tasted really great...(at 2 am everything tastes good)
Fast Forward to work the next day I'm sitting at my desk shaking, freezing cold with sweat pouring from everywhere.
I immediately get sent home to suffer 3 days of really nasty food poisoning I was asleep a lot and throwing up the rest of the time.
Not touched kebabs since.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 2:10, Reply)