I work at a bar
and luckily Im good mates with the management. This means I can get away with murder. I frequently do as I am incredibly misanthropic, and people have no manners.

Here's why I am the barman from hell:

I don't serve anyone until they say please. Anyone just saying "stella" will just get the reply of "no, my names kernkraft"

I don't serve anyone who asks to be served. Even if it's your birthday, and you say "oi, its my birthday, you have to serve me next" I will say "no, because I don't serve arrogant bitches."

Oi, whistles, excuse mes, over heres, banging on the bar and beckoning with one finger gets you served last.

I don't give away free drinks to those who ask for them, I underpour to these people. Especially scum-ridden chavs who say "go on mate stick an extra one in there!"

If you're getting a free drink then you'll get it without asking. Ocassionally Ill give someone who asks for a free drink a shot of grenadine or soda water.

"Give me four shots" will not get you the popular "four shots for a fiver" dealy, it will get you four shots of belvedere or grey goose at £3.50 each. The question "what shots do you do?" gets a sigh and an answer of "I can do you a shot of lime cordial or grenadine if you want, you ain't gunna enjoy it though."

Fucking about with change will get your money thrown back at you and your drink taken away, accompanied by me saying "you're a fucking dick." It is not funny to pull money away from me at the last second, nor is it savvy to count out £2.50 in coppers- although we technically accept coppers, I don't, because I can't be fucked with them.

Things you can do to not piss me off are

1. Don't wave your money like a fucking idiot, I don't care about it

2. Don't go "whoooo!" when I'm pouring a shot.

3. Don't order drinks one at a time.

4. Don't tell me to "hang on a second" while you ask every one of your mates what they want. You will turn around to see me serving someone else.

Also: My mates get served before everyone else, regardless. If you say "Oi you shouldve served me" Ill say "Sorry, this is my mate"

If you then say "I don't give a fuck" Ill say "Well I don't give a fuck about you."
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 13:27, 22 replies)

whats the word
tip of my tongue

oooh

ummmm


oh yes, cunt.

You sir (I presume) are a cunt, an arrogant and obnoxious one at that. And probably unemployable apart from mates with that shining attitude.

Enjoy the dole queues
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 13:30, closed)

I agree with all of the above
Another favourite of mine was people who wave money over the bar at you.

We used to walk past and swipe the notes from their hands and ignore them. Never ever gave the money back, it was tips, we all thought...

Management understood, and laughed.

I detest arsehole customers, which is why I now work as a Glazing Hygiene Technician(read: window cleaner)and I only ever deal with blue haired old Doris' who give out tea and cakes as well as paying for their windows to be done.
(King of Swandanavia Proud owner of the worlds first Flong, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 13:37, closed)

What bar do you work in?
I only ask so I know to avoid it.

You are an arrogant halfwit.
(hutchers, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 14:17, closed)

^what they said
.
( Moey, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 14:48, closed)

Funnily enough
I have some sympathy with a few of your points, politeness is free after all. I try to make a point of ordering my Guinness first, saying please, that sort of thing. And a lot of the general public can be bellends, especially with a few drinkies on board.

However, the rest of your post seems to suggest that you are a 100% 24-carat knob.

Also, throwing peoples money back at them, calling them a 'fucking dick' and taking the drink back because they dare to pay with 'change'? Billy-Bullshit Meter just went BEEP.

Because unless you are blood fucking brothers with 'the management' they'd hoof you after one instance of that because you would be losing them revenue by being a twat.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 14:49, closed)

utter
cunt
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 14:57, closed)

^^ osok
yeah he's clearly a liar - he talks about having 'mates'

pfft!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 14:59, closed)

you are a cunt
and you lose at life.
(firestormviper!!1 approaching god through cigarettes, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 16:00, closed)

@ KernKraft If you tried that in my local
You'd end up face down in the bins outside.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Sep 2008, 16:14, closed)

To all those who've called KK a cunt
I've been on the wrong side of a bar for a long time, and while I agree that it's a bit of a diatribe, this really is quite a reasonable post.
I used to get up to quite a lot of this sort of nonsense as well. Including dousing a Premiership footballer with a soda gun, just for being an arse.
Get over yourselves.
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 16:58, closed)

I readily admit that I am a cunt to people at work
however the vast, vast majority of people Im polite, helpful and friendly to- but the bar I work in isn't a friendly, local pub. It's a nightclub, with screeching music and a constant queue three people deep.

Also it happens to be the scummiest, most disgusting nightclub in the east- put it this way, a customer without sovereigns is strange.

I've worked there part time when I come back from uni for nearly 3 years, and I regularly take upwards of £2500 on the the till.


So yes, I am a cunt- but after thousands of hours of being told Im stupid because when they said WKD they meant smirnoff ice, being covered in chavspittle and recieving £5.35 an hour for the pleasure- I feel entitled to it.

And osok- a chavvy little nob counting out £2.50 in COPPERS while 30 people are screaming at me to be served, when I can see the fiver he has in his wallet. Is not funny.
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 17:00, closed)

Generally
I hope you mistake someone's general pleasant manner as being a cunt and they drag you over the bar and pound 10 different colours of shite out of your face. Still ,you'd probably just ignore it and serve your mate from down there.
(Dark Horse, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 19:10, closed)

In that case, my aged legume
Make yourself clearer to start with.

As I said, I try and be nice to the bar-person, but try and specify 'chavvy git paying with coppers' when everyone else got 'offering correct dosh in legal tender under the impression that it'd be doing your till-float a favour and stopping you having to leg it oot the back for change" makes you look less like a Grade A Knobber and more like a reasonable bloke suffering the chavscum hordes.

It's all in the presentation, tha knows.

NB My proofreading services are available at a most reasonable hourly rate.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 20:45, closed)

good for you
good you can get away with it and have the balls to try. Shame it will make no lasting impression on their tiny little minds.
(pins, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 20:50, closed)

I
like you. You sound like me. If I was a barmaid.
(Dramamine, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:15, closed)

This post would be funny if it was
a) Even remotley funny
b) True

But its not, is it? I mean really, i bet you quietly wander about having all the presence of a stale chipolata, wishing you had the danglers to be "rude" to the poor old man who forgot to say please. But you dont, because your mate(s) never comes to visit, because they "dont give a fuck about you"
(The Urban Badger Pressing the wrong button since 1987, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 1:47, closed)

But the customers are rude!
I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy for the barman from hell. Even if he did have some valid points he makes the choice to go into the bar night after night. Unless he's a barman in a communist country he has a choice to leave.
(muzzvsworld, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 0:58, closed)

I thought most of it was fairly reasonable
apart from the "serving your mates first" bit. That is shit.
(Binary Solo loves a bit of algebra, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 13:24, closed)

Well, I'm on your side.

I've worked in pubs and can empathise with most of this. While I'm both more of a wimp and a generally nicer guy, if I wasn't - then I'd have done the same.

What you didn't add was that if you buy the barman a drink early in the evening - and do it in a nice way, not a patronising way, then you can be guaranteed to get decent service all night. Think about it: not a bad return on £3.00
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 14:12, closed)

^What Binary said.
If I've been stood at a bar for 10 minutes and don't get served ahead of the bar staff's mates who have only just come in, I get pretty pissed off. Some of your comments I agree with, some of them just make you come across as a tit.

The waving money about bit - I hate doing it, but sometimes it's the only way of getting the cockroaches behind the bar to actually acknowledge that you're there, as eye contact doesn't seem to fucking work half the time.

I maintain that a good bar person will have a reasonable idea of who is next in line to be served. I'm prepared to accept that in a busy pub this may not always be possible.

And yes, I have worked in a bar.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 8 Sep 2008, 14:18, closed)

So
You work in a scally club with a bar that's generally 3 rows deep, and you don't serve anyone who doesn't say "please"?
(slotbadger, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 13:11, closed)

I too work in a bar (two to be precise)
Luckily i've got something called tolerance and can take any of the above with a smile and a grin for two reasons.

A) I'm not that much of a dick (no offence).

B) smiling freaks people out.

C) I bet i get more tips than you.

Still, fair play to you... Good luck in your next job.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 21:39, closed)