Big Jake
This was the most scared I've ever been in my life.

I really did think I was going to die, and worse still, I thought I was going to be on the front of every tabloid newspaper the length and breadth of the land, possibly abroad too. During my ordeal all I could think about was my poor parents and how they would cope with the swarms of reporters asking probing questions. I imagined my distraught mother having a nervous breakdown...

And all because of Big Jake.

A few years back I used to knock boots with a girl named Emma. Nice girl, scouser, bit erratic but incredibly kinky. Nice arse too.

One fateful day I was off work with a busted foot. Had the fucker in plaster and could only hobble about. Emma had gone to work and I was seriously bored by eleven o'clock.

Seriously...

After a bit of Richard & Judy, I remember limping to the bedroom. I thought about lying on the bed for a marathon wank session (watching Judy on the TV had that weird sexy effect on me), but I just didn't feel up to it. I was too bored to wank, this was fucking serious!

Eventually I settled in front of Emma's dresser. I hit on an idea - basically I figured I could while away a bit of time thumbing through her sexy undies drawer, just sort of feeling the fabric, perhaps having a bit of a smell, reminiscing about the times I'd seen Emma wear the frilly, flimsy, lacy erection inducing gear.

And that's what I did. For about a minute.

And then I found Big Jake.

Now, I knew of Big Jake already - I'd been lucky enough to see Emma ram him up her vertical smile on several occasions. Big Jake reminded me of happy, loving, and downright squelchy times.

Ahh, Big Jake! I thought, as I got him out the draw and felt the weight of him in my hands. Nice. Felt a bit like I imagine a good heavy club would feel. Only Big Jake was jet black, veiny, and had a motor your average 125cc motorcycle would be proud of. Emma had picked Big Jake up in Amsterdam. He was, quite frankly, fucking HUGE and FAT, fat like an American fat.

And that's when the thought went through my head...

God, how I wish I could turn back time, put Big Jake back in the draw, and go back to a bit more Richard and Judy before a lunchtime ham sandwich.

But no, not me.

I thought: I wonder what it feels like to have a cock up your arse? I mean, several million gay fellas can't be wrong, can they?

And the thought stuck in my head and crystalised.

I considered having a go on Big Jake in the bedroom, but thought: what if I shit myself? So decided somewhere easier to clean would be more practical.

Moments later, I'd hobbled over to the bathroom, stark bollock naked except for my foot cast, my clothes tossed about the flat in *ahem* gay abandon. I found myself squatting in the empty bath, using the sides for support, with Big Jake greased and ready to go below me, humming like a bandsaw.

Then I lowered my arse over him, and when he was tickling my ring, in a sudden and incredibly painful split second, my fucked up foot gave way and I slipped-

-DIRECTLY ONTO BIG JAKE, RIGHT UP TO THE MOTHERING HILT-

Fuck me!

Pain?

I had never felt that much agony in my fucking life...

It was like being fisted by the Statue of Liberty, with the tourch on fire.

I nearly passed out, but somehow managed to keep it together. My teeth were vibrating from the raw power of Big Jake, it was fucking horrible. When Emma had him in her she was usually howling... but not in the same way I was now.

Eventually, when the ability to move my arms returned, I managed to reach down between my legs and switch Big Jake off. My brain stopped buzzing. It stopped feeling like I was having an epileptic fit. I was weak and sweaty and had a fake cock up my arse. Not a very pleasant feeling...

And there I stayed, for a good fifteen minutes, lying prostrate in an empty bath with Big Jake buried deep in my colon.

That's when I started thinking about the tabloids.

Then I started to panic. And when I panic, I take the only sensible course of action. I cry.

Eventually, after lots of crying and failed attempts, I managed to free Big Jake from my raw ring, which had sort of spasmed and clamped Big Jake in place like a steel vice.

As soon as he was out, I did an absolutely amazing shit in the bath that looked like a large coiled brown python, and then I collapsed on top of it, smearing splashy shit up the walls and even managing to get a few flecks on the ceiling.

After a few more frantic minutes of crying, I could feel the movement ebb back into my legs.

Took me ages to clean the place up... What with the broken foot and sore arse.

When Emma came home that evening she asked me what I'd been up to.

"Oh, the usual," I smiled back nervously. She didn't seem to notice that I couldn't sit down properly.

Couldn't exactly say: "Oh, I impaled myself on your twelve inch dildo in the bath, could've ruptured some internal organs and died in a slick of my own shit, blood, piss and vomit."

And I have to admit the next time Emma used Big Jake infront of me, all I could do was wince inwardly...

...maybe I should've cleaned him properly before I put him back in the drawer???
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 23:37, 28 replies)

THAT
is fucking incredible
(I Am The Duck thinks aliens probably sound like cats, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 23:56, closed)

i mean really!
it's 'drawer'. not 'draw'. can we please maintain some decorum in front on the merkins.

please.

BTW - click
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 16:57, closed)

big jake
Oh my god that was the funniest thing i have read
i laughed so much i was sick.. brilliant.thanks for sharing that.
(cancerous tits, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 23:57, closed)

Close the competition
You've won it already
(McChinaman banned, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 0:10, closed)

sweet
jesus

have a click
(Errin C, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 0:09, closed)

Shit me.
This story is full of win... or lose depending on how you look at it. Either way, front page or bust.
(Martin1337 was trying and failing to be funny at, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 0:12, closed)

Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww
Gross.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 1:04, closed)

Winner
(gulps).
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 1:37, closed)

Wow
You deserve at least 3 clicks for that.

1. for admitting it and writing about it.
2. for the visual imagery, very descriptive.
3. for making me laugh out loud, might have wee'd a bit!
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 1:53, closed)

Clickety click
Sharp intack of breath, winced and crossed my legs all at the same time.
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 2:43, closed)

Luckily I'm the only one in my office
Because I'm howling, crying and shaking with laughter

Clicky clicky
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:46, closed)

Oh....
Oh dear god!


OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:41, closed)

As I got to the description of Big Jake
I knew what was coming and put my coffee down.

It turns out this was a very sensible decision. Superb tale!
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:48, closed)

Oh. My. God.
I laughed like I've not laughed in a long time at that...

Fucking hilarious.

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:20, closed)

The Best
QOTW I've read in ages.
You sir, are a wrong'un! Although I'm tempted to send you a large box of "toys" to see what you come up with next week.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:34, closed)

Fucking magnificent!

(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:35, closed)

Winner!
Made me laugh like a loon that.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:02, closed)

My Good God!
"fisted by the Statue of Liberty, with the tourch on fire"

True class.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:28, closed)

And I thought I'd found the winner....
.....when I read about the nappy cannon! This QOTW is throwing up some epic tales!

Have a click - you've got to make joint first at least! Excellent! (ps: I've always wondered too, but I think I'll remain wondering based on this).
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:34, closed)

Clearly
I should be surprised by this sort of story, but I'm not...you posted it. Ace!! *clicks aplenty*
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 19:48, closed)

I've just laughed so hard
I think I've nearly shat myself..
(Code of Post lives at the moment in time that is..., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 21:31, closed)

I kep re-reading this
And it's still as funny as fuck. Showed it to the missus as well, and she hurts from laughing so hard.

Winner.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 14 Feb 2009, 14:57, closed)

3 hours since I first read this
and my jaw muscles require Raljex.
You've also contributed greatly to my laughter lines - luckily a sample tube of Olay 30 second wrinkle filler arrived in the post this morning, so those lines shouldn't show for another half minute ;o)

Spanky for the win!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 16:49, closed)

WIN!

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 16:54, closed)

brilliant
great story well told
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 19:19, closed)

Winner, without doubt.
I assume this put you off sticking things up your arse?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 22:48, closed)

No
Not really.

Get your lady to tickle your prostate a bit and you cum like a fucking hose.

Utterly brilliant!
( SpankyHanky, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 10:35, closed)

I've just read this
again a few days later and its the funniest thing I've ever read, ever! Well done for being a big fucking perv!
(Errin C, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 11:24, closed)