It might take place
later today...
Wish me luck!
( Whippersnapper, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 10:29, Reply)

yay scary german religious fanatics.
Oooh. I remember another one.

I had recently acquired myself a boyfriend, all the girls in school were after him and me being young and impressionable, I thought 'Ooh. I want me one.' and asked him out. He said yes and all was well.

Until I realised his idea of a date was sitting outside in a huge plastic mac listening to Dire Straits on his CD player with me, before dragging me in to have dinner with the most unbelievably religious family ever, which involved much praying and no talking at the table.

His mother was German and took to conducting entire conversations in said language which was utterly terrifying as I know not one word of it.

This may all go to explain why I now bat for the other side.
(sporky, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 9:52, Reply)

Blind date..
Set up by a mate. She was from Clapham. Met there, I paid for everything, went for a snog at the end of the night, got turned the cheek!

Get an email next day asking me out to do it again. She's adventuous so we head to the exact same spot. I pay for everything again (she just doesn't offer). I MUST be in. Go for the snog....turned the cheek.

Ignored the next emails...and texts...

The most expensive cheek pecks I ever had!
(Thebigfella, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 9:33, Reply)

oh so considerate
Wound up at a party with my ex (who didn't know she was an 'ex' yet) and a date (who didn't know who the other woman was). Managed actually keeping them both in the dark f - pure John Ritter / "Three's company" stuff.

Evening ended on a bed in the party venue - giving it to the 'date' but stopping every 10 mins or so to check that my 'ex' on the floor of the same room was ok - as she'd passed out in a pool of her own vomit.

Things went on for a while with both of them. But it eventually ended in tears. Not mine.

(cringe) this was a while ago and i am quite ashamed (cringe)
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 9:32, Reply)

Oops
Many years ago, as a student, I was at a club night, on a Tuesday. I was, safe to say, absolutely off my tits having drunk a remarkable amount and also taken about 6 E's.
I was dancing away, when I met a girl (Vicki Cha*man! I still remember her name!)out for her birthday with her mum. As the evening progressed, she chatted me up, then her mum did, then when I rejected the old dear she attacked me. The daughter got off with my mate.
The next week she was there again, I snogged her, and arranged a date for the following evening (I don't know why!). Well, it was awful. I took her to a very posh bar, and the scrubber stuck out like a sore thumb. The conversation veered, almost immediately, into her confessing she had had an abortion at 16 and that her mum was on the game. Feeling dire, I double dropped when she went to the toilet to make the evening bearable. It worked, I took her home and shagged her (unsuccessfully from my point of view, very successfully from hers), gave her my real mobile number by mistake and got stalked for about 3 months.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Oct 2004, 8:51, Reply)

i met some bird on the net
and i'm getting married to her next year.
(happyhardcoregabbatechno, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 8:37, Reply)

Hmm. I'm not quite sure if this fits here but what the hell.
the other day I was searching Google for something - fuck knows what it was - and I came across this.

"DEAF SINGLES AND PERSONALS FOR ONLINE DATING"
"Free membership, photo gallery, and more. Meet deaf singles now."

Yes, it's a dating website for deaf people. For fuck's sake.

Edit: Now I remember. I was searching for "Songs for the Deaf" (Queens of the Stone Age for those who were wondering)
(brazzin, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 4:48, Reply)

Well, I met another guy
online, just from a website we both frequent. He seemed (and is) a really, really nice bloke. Everyone else on the website thought we were meant for each other, and as there was a distance of oooh, 6,000 miles, 2 guys started a fund so he could fly out to see me.

The fucker stood me up ;)

For those that haven't been on here that long, just ask an old school b3ta member about the Koit/Workboresme fund

Sorry Koit! Had to be done ;)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 3:25, Reply)

This happened tonight...and I'm still feeling icky
Bit of background - split with a blokey I met online (and dated blissfully for 6 months) very recently...fairly bad breakup, had just got back off holiday and at some point he decided I wasn't someone who he could spend his life with (I'm too nice apparently - so nice I made it very easy for him and still help him deal with *his* issues...there's no hope for me)

So what is a girl to do? My angst befuddled brain insists that I get out there and start dating again. This, as anyone could see a mile off, is a Bad Thing.

I trotted off tonight to meet (another) online aquaintance for a drink. We'd chatted, things seemed ok, and his photo showed a cute (if a little older) man.

He turned up 15 minutes late and we go to the nearest Wetherspoons. He then proceeds to loudly complain that they are not letting the house red breathe properly - this is Wetherspoons remember? Its red stuff, vaguely alcoholic, and cheap. Nobody cares, least of all the staff.

The hour that I had alloted (excuses at the ready) dragged by, with me listening to inane chat mainly given in sound effect form, with me smiling and nodding and trying to get drunk on the wine. He looked, and sounded like my gay best mate, and held his cigarette like a girl, whilst telling me about various psycho exes he had met on the net. I made my excuses and left, he followed me and insisted on walking me to my sons fathers house, which is never a good idea...as I tried to leave he hugged me...I froze, and kind of patted him on the back, before fleeing into the night.

Never have I been so glad of seeing my ex-husband. I then got a text telling me he had a great time and hopes to do it again. I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with a spoon. Twunt.

I think I might become a nun. Don't get nun, don't want nun....

*Length and girth all very important...but it's the tongue that really matters ;o)*

Edit - If you're reading this and it sounds familiar, I'm sorry - really its not me, its you...
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Thu 28 Oct 2004, 1:39, Reply)

bogans
Arranged to have dinner with a lovely young woman from a dodgy part of Sydney. She said she was bringing a friend - nice and "thirtysomething" she said - and could I bring a guy for her. So I leaned on a friend who's famous for his low standards, thinking I was doing him a favour.

Well, "thirtysomething" turned out to be 39, she had 7 kids, couldn't afford a decent bra to hold up her sagging tits, spent the night talking about how "flash" the filthy pizzeria we were in was, and then skipped out without paying.

So the next night I found my friend on a date with a woman in a pub, bought him a few beers in apology and promptly went home with his date.
(Demonic, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 23:25, Reply)

Yes, a b3ta dating service...
Getting the most openly unsuccessful daters together. Clean up the gene pool, what?

*yes, it was sarcastic, I'm not a Nazi*
(Mr_Jums, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 19:46, Reply)

date three...
My (current) boyfriend and went out for dinner when we were first dating. We had a couple of drinks, then proceeded to go home and sit on the back deck to enjoy the view and have some more. After it had got quite late, we decided to go in and get busy. As soon as we were done, I ran to the bathroom and chucked. I thought I was OK so I went back to bed, but no. After going back to the bathroom the fourth time I decided to stay in there.

I slept on the bathroom floor, naked, covered with a towel, with the door open. All night.

He lived with his mother.
(skada21, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 19:27, Reply)

Not so bad for me...

...But my poor (current, amazingly) girlfriend.

This may get quite long, and will require background. So are you sitting comfortably, children? Then I'll begin.

I was at Uni at the time, and it was time for the summer ball. I had over the past year been quite 'active', one girl from another Uni, one who had recently left mine, and another who had mad Christian Skillz not to mention a long term boyfriend (her, not me).

Anyway, i was working on the night in question, but date and I had agreed that this could be a date anyway. Ex from other Uni and recent-leaving ex had both asked if they could stay in my halls room that night, and I had said yes. I was, after all, still officially single.

Turns out these two 'liked' each other, which led to the highlight of the evening for date (although, I'm smug to say, not for me) which was me sitting on some steps with these two girls on either side of me snogging over my legs. And then the Christian girl came to chat - sat down behind me - was a little drunk, and so was being very affectionate.

Cue date's arrival.

To her credit she took it very well, and later helped me take photos of the fireworks.

Still got to go to bed with other two, though.

No apologies at all, to anyone. For length or the fact that I'm a complete fucker.
(Dr.Ibble, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:50, Reply)

didnt even get there
Me (15,on phone): Hi, do you want to go to the cinema tonight?
Her: Who with? You?
Me: yeah
Her: Why?
Me (immediately retreating): There's loads of us going..
Her: No.
Me: Please?
Her: No. Fuck off.
Me: Oh go on please?
Her: No. You're an ugly bastard.
Me: Are you sure?
Her:

Never even got there. Traumatised for life. Claire (Poynton, Cheshire, nr the High School)or whatever your name was. Hope your tits are sagging down to your knees over your cellulite ridden torso after shitting out lots of walking abortions.

So bitter...so bitter.

No apologies for my splendid length and average girth.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:45, Reply)

My first date was a blind date,
set up by my best friend. It turned out that everything she told me about the guy was wrong, even his last name. Supposedly she was very good friends with him! The whole date, he quoted the movie Pulp Fiction, which I hadn't seen. It was really annoying, and stopped us from having any real conversation. After burgers and a movie, we went to his place to wait for my dad to pick me up, and we watched Pulp Fiction, with him saying the lines with the movie all the way through. I still hate Tarantino movies today.

Another guy, I met this one online, seemed quite nice while we chatted for a few weeks. He had bypassed my sleaze-o-meter and was rewarded with a date. However, from the moment we met up he talked about nothing except how much he liked kissing, and how important it was that a woman be a good kisser. Seeing how I'd been totally single and kissless for about four years, I was in no mood to be judged on my out-of-practice technique. Aside from that, he looked VERY different from his photo, as in he was balding and he hair and beard were white at age 31, and I was 24. I felt like I was on a date with my father.

Third one's a quickie: Another guy I met online, we'd been chatting only a few hours. He lived in town, and being bored we decided to go to a movie that night. I got to the theatre first, and when he sw me he came running up and gave me a huge hug like I was his long-lost love. He kept baby-talking through the movie. "Does Ali like this movie? May I hold Ali's hand? Is Ali's neck sore?" Drove me batty.

He followed me out to my car and hung around, obviously expecting a snog. I gave him a quick handshake and got in the car and drove off as quickly as possible!
(ghettobooty, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:38, Reply)

the not-a-date date
One day, a friend of mine who lives in Georgia (and who had a crush on me for a brief period of time) came to town and called to see if I wanted to get dinner and go bowling (It's about the only thing to do). I thought it would be fun, so I decided to go.

Since I was pretty young at the time, and to this day still refuse to drive, I had my mom take me to the restaurant we agreed to meet at. And, of course, mom had to go in with me to make sure things were ok.

So my friend sees my mom, gets a little freaked out, and shouts "It's not a date!"
(pk, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:35, Reply)

A b3ta dating service?
now there's an idea for the site Rob... :)
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:15, Reply)

weight watcher
second date going quite well, had a few glasses of wine, nice meal, watched the beach, candles lit mmm lovely.... so he says lie down ill give you a massage mmmm sounds good,... so i llie down top off he goes to get some oil, he comes back and says oh ill just put this dvd on ok whatever just massage me im happy i say....so he begins the dvd begins and oh my fu**in' god its hardcore porn, so i'm still thinking well this massage is pretty hot i can handle this, his hands are working his way down from my shoulders to my lower back and then down to the sides wooah.... i'm liking this.....then he grabs two rolls of fat on each of my sides and goes "you could do with getting rid of this" ( i'm 5 foot 2 and 9 stone , so in no way podgy and up he gets , he goes into a cupboard and pulls out an AB TRIMMER !!!!! i kid you not!!!!!!
me i"m in such shock and a bit tipsy that i go with the flow and learn how to use an ab trimmer whilst he sits on the couch watching hardcore porn!!!!!! thank goodness a freind phoned me during this and told me to leave. I did and i took the ab trimmer with me which i later sold at a car boot sale for a fiver!!
(apacherosepeacock77, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 17:53, Reply)

Bad dates
The worst date ever has to be the one that killed Indiana Jones' mate's monkey. Bastard.
(Neville Squamous, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 17:38, Reply)

thank you for the reply doctor evil,
i feel priveleged.

i, on the other hand to many people, have never been on a date. i'm a single white male (16) in the london area, with luscious golden brown locks. anyone interested? i'm sure i'll be so horrendous that it will be worthy of this qotw...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Wed 27 Oct 2004, 17:25, Reply)

Not so much a date but couldn't have got it more wrong
At the end of a three-legged fancy-dress pub-crawl at Uni with some mates, I decided the night would not be complete without visiting the girlfriend. I was trolleyed. In a fit of consideration i tried to wash away the taste of kebab...with washing-up liquid. Ended up passing out naked except for a fireman's helmet, sat on her loo with the bathroom door wide open in the house she shared with 4 other girls. So smooth.
(Scoobs, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 16:44, Reply)

Drink + Date = Something's gonna go wrong
Went out with a nice girl about 6 months ago...had a great time, she could drink beer and liked it, cool. Good taste in Rock music, cool.

Walking her home. Gave her a kiss, she slipped the tongue in, cool. I did too, forgot I have a long tongue. She throws up on my shoes, when you see someone else having a puke you want to follow, I did. On the back of her head as she was puking on my shoes.

Kind of fizzled out after that night. don't know why.

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 16:34, Reply)

n1na1sapunk...
being a current brum uni student i can tell you that said rock club is still there, and still sells nasty 50p vodka. for some reason i'm going there tonight, must be feeling masochistic

apologies for lack of length and girth
( The Running Man, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 16:31, Reply)

Blind Date Gone Bad
I was on armory guard duty in Okinawa, Japan for the Marine Corps. Part of my duties, aside from carrying a loaded M-16 and looking like a bad-ass chick, was to call the Military Police every hour and use the "Password of the Day" in a sentence, thus signifying the safety of the armory. There was an MP who worked the same shifts I did who had a voice that was to die for. It was like butter, it was like cream, it was so sweet and sexy and sultry. An amazing voice, it gave me goosebumps. A man with a voice like that had to be nothing less than superhero-like in appearance. When he asked me out on a date, my knees went weak and I said yes. We agreed on where to meet and exchanged descriptions on what we would be wearing.

So there I am, at the military club, when in walks this guy with the largest head I have ever seen on a human being. A small patch of hair covered only the top 5% of the head, leaving the rest of the head exposed in all of its cratered and bizarrely distorted glory. As my eyes scanned him, I also couldn't help but notice that he had no neck, his eyes bulged and were placed really far apart - like a fish. His body was super-long in the torso and slightly heavy up tight with really really skinny and short legs. And his lips were so dry they looked like chalk.

His eyes met mine and I knew there was no polite way to get out of it, this was my blind date and he knew that I KNEW he was my date.

In quick fashion I got really really really drunk and tried to be chipper and talkative. He seemed to have no clue that he was an ugly bastard and I found that by turning my head slightly to one side I could listen to his voice and minimize the effect his physical appearance was having on me.

At some point during the evening, my drinking caught up with me and I threw up on his shoes. It is the only time in my life I can recall being delighted over being vomitous. He took me home and I never spoke to him again.
(Igneous, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 14:47, Reply)

Capt. Steve
It was a good while ago (13 y) and I'm ashamed to say I can't remember...
Edit: A quick Google search tells me it must have been Bella Vista..... if it was open then!
(Doctor Evil, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 13:47, Reply)

Was Really not a good idea
kind of saving this one in case i ever get on Richard and Judy ;-) , but top tip. when ever going out with a young lady who is the daughter of a Ambasador,. it is really not a good idea to say "Ah Ambasador with your daughter you are really spoiling us"
(Chance1234 up for parole on, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 13:35, Reply)

not exactley a date
but i met a lovely Belgian girl on the way back from Munich on a coach once. We chatted away for a few minutes, exchanging passport pictures and laughing at our poses, when all of a sudden she "excuses" herself and heads off to the coach toilet.

She's in there a good 20 mins. When eventually she does emerge she explain that there was a problem with the toilet, and shes REALLY embarressed about it.

Being the bold English man I agree to take a look at the problem, step into the toilet to be confronted by the lid up and the most go awful pile of runny shit, hard shit, hairy shit and to top it all off, a bloody tampon on top. jesus christ. Turns out the word she was struggling to translate for me was "FLUSH".

I located the flusher, gave it a good 3 or 4 goes and eventually cleared her rather impressive defication.

I returned to the most apologetic girl I have ever met, she seemed quite impressed that I still wanted to talk to her after that.

Shes now "MRS" Claypole, and we've got a little "Claypole" arriving in Feb, so I guess the "dealing with turds" is going to come in handy

sorry for length
( timothy claypole, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 13:32, Reply)