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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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Desperate times, desperate lunges, desperate housewives
(Apologies for the Britishness of this post in advance….)

My mum was like an undercover special agent / reconnaissance ninja when it came to finding P0rn in my bedroom. Tidying up? Yeah right! She was constantly scanning for rudie material so she could revoke my fwapping licence. Even the discovery of the Grattan catalogue under my bed was enough to warrant a verbal kicking.

Me: “Honestly, it just FELL OPEN on the lingerie page, mum…I was looking for Christmas present ideas…”
Mum: “You’re a filthy little tosser pervert and you’re going to hell”

Busted. Bastard.

My dad didn’t even buy the Sun, let alone the Sport. He did have his own stash of p0rn but I couldn’t steal any of it – not even a glance. I was in too much paranoid fear that it had been placed in a certain way that if I even disrupted the pile I would be in for the veritable embarrassment-inducing bollocking of my short life.

I was in teenage hell.

My imagination was just not good enough (no experience) and my goolies were rapidly swelling and resembling Mr Creosote. In fact, if you put your ear to my nads and listened closely (nice mental picture huh?) I’m sure you could actually HEAR them groaning under the increasing pressure.

I was so young…I needed stimulation…I had a portable TV in my room. Thus my saviour presented itself in the form of an advert for the following Friday's Movie…

Let me explain.

Anybody remember ‘Red Triangle’ films on Channel 4? They were late night, gobshite ‘arty-farty-continental’ films that displayed a red triangle icon in the top corner of the screen. This was an indication you see…a warning if you will, of the ‘adult’ content in the ‘culturally genre-challenging and pioneering’ movie you were watching.

In other words…if you sat through 2 hours of utter armpit, you’d know that somewhere down the line there was going to be a ‘quim-shot guarantee’

The thought process and masterstroke (pun intended) of Channel 4 was to display the triangle so that the easily offended would be immediately alerted to impending nudity and would know to switch off…surprise surprise the ratings went through the fucking roof.

As soon as I heard about these films, my plan leapt into action. There’s no way even my parents can stop a film being broadcast...in fact, they don’t even know about the ‘red triangle movies’. There was no stopping me. The perfect crime

So fast forward to the next Friday night around 11:30 and I’m sat in my low-lit bedroom, my tongue and cock hanging out, remote at easily reachable distance (and successful rehearsal of leaning over to press the ‘standby button at the slightest noise) ….bracing myself for something with a title like ‘L’escapades erotique de femme’ (or god knows).

As the film starts…I begin to narrate to myself: ’Ooh she’s quite nice…I hope it’s her that gets ‘em out…Christ, I’d even settle for her….Oh, she looks a bit miserable, still, she might have a nice bod under all those cardigans etc etc’

(Abso-fucking-lutely no idea what is going on in the film…like the rest of Britain. And like the rest of Britain, not giving a toss (literally). Just waiting…..waiting…waiting.)

Then Hey-ho…what’s this? Angry looking fellow with ‘tache has ripped off average looking girls’ blouse…First bra shot…I start to twitch. She doesn’t look happy. I sure as shit do.

He’s pulling away at more clothes…she’s struggling. “Oh give it up woman and get on with it” I mutter.

Then the FUCKING ADVERTS start! (Channel 4 – genius. I wonder how much they charged for those?)

Ads over…a different scene starts. But I’ve got a semi-on, there’s a couple of attractive laydees on screen & I try to keep up momentum…

Then – JACKPOT! It looks like the angry man was attempting to rape earlier woman – result! She seems a bit hairy (boo), but she’s starkers now (yay), has got away from angry man (boo), and has legged it out of the house and through a forest (running! – woo yay!).

This’ll do for me.

The tip of my tongue poking out the side of my mouth, I start to pull my pud frantically as I don’t know how long this scene is going to last – I have no video recorder and this scene could be followed by the fat, sweaty, bearded folk I saw earlier on.

(I become such a total, uber mega wanker that even Prince would’ve been jealous)

Before long…’Uh..uh…uh…That’s all it can take Captain Vinegar..it’s gonna blow!’


Suddenly… there’s a noise on the stairs…right beside my room… Noooooo. I reach for the remote and begrudgingly press the ‘standby’ button. The dream is over.

But the button doesn’t work…must be the batteries…shitshitshitshitshit. I press again and again. No joy. FUCKING HELL SHE’S JUST OUTSIDE MY DOOR!

I see the handle start to turn...I can't be caught watching this...I have no alternative…

From my horizontal position, lying on the bed – I launch myself like a teenage, spluff covered Jedi, lifting vertically upwards Harrier Jump Jet-esque before lunging for the 'off' button on the TV.

But it’s too late – and now even worse. “What’s all the noise?” my mum complains as she walks in and turns to see me…with my arm outstretched, 1 cm from the 'off' switch…bang to rights with a fast-depleting, spunk dribbling stonk-on, whilst on the TV… a bollock-nekked hairy Frenchwoman is running through some forest looking like she had been kicked between the legs with a bag of soot.


Mum: “Just get to bed”

She turned round, walked out, and to be fair. Neither of us have mentioned it since. I think the situation was just too extreme for words. I mean, where do you start?

Length? I’m sure there were stragglers down to her knees.

EDIT ON LENGTH GAG: I was talking about the woman in the film...NOT my mum
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:04, 18 replies)
...bit of Prince abuse slotted in half way through. Keep it up!
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:09, closed)
"I launch myself like a teenage, spluff covered Jedi, lifting vertically upwards Harrier Jump Jet-esque before lunging for the 'off' button on the TV"

Entire legions of chaps will no doubt wince with the memory of occasions when clandestine menage e unes were very nearly gatecrashed by a maurauding parent.

Except for me of course.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:10, closed)
Oh no!
Worst nightmare scenario. I still have blocked memories of my mum catching me at it when a teen.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:18, closed)
Hahaha :D
Great writeup, and very funny mental imagery! I came on here (fnar) to comment on the same line that PJM did.

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:21, closed)
I never got caught in the act, though there were a couple of close scrapes (think dashing out of a room literally 2 seconds before parents walked in, spam javelin to attention).

To be honest, though, it's a bit of a catch 22 situation ain't it - sure, you never get caught doing it but everyone knows that you do anyway. 'Spose the difference is that it is only natural - and you're spared the crippling embarrassment of being found.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:23, closed)
Must be similarly aged
I remember that film.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:36, closed)
this is by far the best to this point. Excellent wordage, had me laughing like a loon.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:51, closed)
Brilliant effort!
We've all been there. Christ alone knows how I never got caught.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:02, closed)
Few of us however can convey the sheer terror of such a moment in a beautifully sensitive manner such as this. Gentlemen, I believe we have our winner already.

"a bollock-nekked hairy Frenchwoman is running through some forest looking like she had been kicked between the legs with a bag of soot."
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:09, closed)
I'm wanking as I type this

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:22, closed)
I'm sorry but...
...your mother really is a bitch. Doesn't she knock? Does she have no respect for privacy?
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:10, closed)
she got off on catching him at it? :-)
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:15, closed)
If there was something to moan about...(like noise)
..then knocking would be the last thing on her mind.

What I failed to properly mention in the post was that as I was 'building up speed', the bed was banging against the wall and squeaking violently. in my adolescent ignorance, however, I thought that the relevant noise would be confined to my bedroom when it was, in fact, reverberating around the house.

I learned a lot that day.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:28, closed)
"kicked between the legs with a bag of soot"

That's a new one. I remember when I reached that age that Eurotrash was on. Result. Loads of tits and gash.

You should write a book or something. Brilliant.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:43, closed)
I have this image of the French woman looking like she was getting head from Weird Al...

...and yes, I can imagine being a teen and wanking to that, feeling thrilled and grossed out at the same time.

Ladies, if you have a crotch Wookie, please at least get out the hedge clippers! Nothing worse than trying to go down on a lass and having to fight off the howler monkeys living in her jungle...
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 17:27, closed)
Crotch Wookiee!
Actually had me giggling for a change, and then thinking "OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO" in equal measure.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 19:25, closed)
Crotch Wookie. Chortle
Each to their own, but surely if you're invited south of the Thames some token grooming is only polite?

The horror of being faced with something resembling the top of Boris Johnson's head a while back still gives me nightmares. I still can't watch that Star Trek episode with the Tribbles without having an attack of the shivers.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 19:49, closed)

"She doesn’t look happy. I sure as shit do."

best line in any qotw ever!
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 19:54, closed)

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