Rock And Rule
For those of you who've never heard of it, this is a Canadian animated film from the early 80s. Now, when I was a Little D I saw a clip on TV and thought "Ooh. Cool" and decided I'd quite like to see it.
Fast forward twenty years or so and after completely failing to turn up on TV or video Rock and Rule finally got a DVD release.
I bought it.
It was shite.
Ropey animation, unlikable characters, and the music was utter gash (Earth, Wind and Fire? Fuck Off.)and sounded like it had been recorded through wet cardboard.

(On a similiar note: Razorblade Smile. Great trailer. Film was utter biscuitwank.)
(Big D, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 19:30, Reply)

Monkey Nuts
Not what it says on the tin.
(trickyric, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 18:49, 1 reply)

England Football
We've already had one about England bombing out at the Semi Finals, but I've picked one in particular that was a real kick in the bollocks.

It is of course Euro '96. I was seven years old and hadn't really paid much attention to watching football, but I really got into this tournament. I thought we had the best team, we had Shearer, Ferdinand, Seaman, Pearce, Gascoigne, Adams etc.

Well as a lot of you know, England won their group and beat Spain in that fantastic penalty shoot out to get to the Semi Final. That image of Stuart Pearce celebrating scoring his penalty will stay with me forever.

So it was on the 26th of June, 1996. I was sit in the living room with my dad and brother and we were watching the match. The genius that is Alan Shearer put England ahead straight away, but Stefan Kuntz (seemingly apt name) went and equalised not long after. It wasn't so bad at the time, but once it got to the penalty shootout, I became rather nervous to say the least.

It got to 5 - 5 and Gareth Southgate stepped up. He hit the ball low and to the left of the goal and Andreas Kopke saved it. My heart sank . Andreas Moller stepped up and put the ball straight past David Seaman.

England were out of the tournament I was certain we were going to win. As I mentioned earlier, I was seven years old and this was my first real taste of football disappointment. I didn't cry, but fuck me if it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks.

No disappointment I've ever felt in life or in football has ever matched that.
(geordiedave is reliving the time Southgate missed that penalty, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 18:20, 7 replies)

My biggest dissappointment...
Long awaited series 7 coming with...The 'New' Kochanski.

God I hate her.

Bring back Clare Grogan and end this ceaseless torment :(
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 18:04, 3 replies)

Honda 400-4
All whizz and no real power.
(The Jannie, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 17:12, 7 replies)

when i was about 18
i was working in an estate agency up in manchester. i was dying to get my hands on the boss' shiny beautiful new jaguar sportscar.

but it wasn't for the likes of junior viewings scum like me. we fought over the sporty fiesta as opposed to the shit rover. but i've always loved nice cars, and every morning i'd sigh over that shiny piece of fast machinery.

and then one day i got to drive it! we had a lady who was looking to rent 3 flats to film in for the bbc and the boss thought i should take her in the shag-uar. i was loving it. i nearly creamed myself as i backed it oh so carefully out of the carpark and drove it round to the main road.

the lady had brought her little girl, who was about 8. the little girl wanted her mother to sit in the back with her, so i felt like a complete chauffeur. and as i took the roof down, the little girl beamed.

"i like this car," she said.

i felt proud. i put my foot down a bit and wind whistled over our heads.

"it's like daddy's, isn't it?" the little girl chattered on. bless, how sweet.

"not really dear," her mother said with a laugh. "daddy's is a handmade aston martin. these are just made in a factory somewhere."

well, that pissed on my chips!

still like the jags, but can now see the woman had a point, albeit a stupid stuck up one.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 17:08, 4 replies)

As you possibly know
I'm a musician in the evenings, and play traditional music. Now, despite what the purists say, this sort of stuff does lend itself to some improvisation and experimentation from time to time.

So there I was one night, playing for a crowd of dancers, when I stuck in a nice thick jazz chord right at the end of a tune.

This old bloke came up to me and said, "What was that fancy chord you played right at the end there, K2k6?"

A bit pleased that someone had actually noticed, I replied, "Oh, that was an A minor 6th with added 9th!" with a chuffed look on my face.

"Hmm, yes", he mused. "It wasn't very good".

And that was me put in my place. Twunt.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:55, 2 replies)

Probably the biggest disappoinment...
was getting my car...

I thought it would be great - that I would live carefree and travel the country as only those with wheels and free time know how. That was until I realised the following things:

1. Cars require maintenance
2. Cars require petrol
3. Maintenance and petrol require money
4. You must work to make money
5. Due to work you are no longer carefree and must slave to provide car with its insatiable need for parts and petrol
6. You are at the complete mercy of any idiot on the road
7. Driving long distances is *really* sod awfully boring

Conclusion? Complete (and dangerous) waste of time.


*Well, OK - so I do get to dance and play in bands and kickbox and go to movies... still!!! I wanted to go places!*
(satellite blows, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:45, 3 replies)

My flatmate
Hailing from somewhere in Eastern Europe (I don't know where exactly as we've spoken three times in the 3 months I've lived here), she really does have an aversion to being housetrained.

Since our last flatmate moved out last month, she leaves dirty plates and pots out for weeks on end causing a lovely fly infestation. I counted 42 full grown flies buzzing round her plates a couple of weeks ago. When I open the window to get rid of them she comes home and closes it - presumably to keep the heat in as it's ridiculously humid in here and has been for the last two months.

I purchased one of those sort-out-a-family with-the-most-godawful-diarrhoea multipacks of toilet roll when I moved in and has since depleted. Last month when it ran out I bought some more and left it in the bathroom. Since then that has all now gone and she has not replaced it once. So I now keep rolls of toilet roll in my room for me to take with me when I feel the urge - petty maybe, but why the fuck should I buy toilet roll for someone else? So today I go into the bathroom and there's a wad of newspaper in there. FUCKING NEWSPAPER. Obviously it wont flush and there's no way in hell I'm going near it, so I wait 10 minutes til she gets back and ask her politely (while seething inwardly) to not put newspaper down the toilet and she just looks blankly and then says "Oh there was no toilet roll in there". So fucking buy some then you stupid feculant cunt, is what I'd have loved to say. Instead I stomped off back to my room while she spent 10 minutes squealing as she fished it out of the toilet...and then left it on top of the kitchen bin.

There's plenty of other little things like she never buys washing up liquid or cleans the kitchen/bathroom, but those are my main disappointments right now.

Nb. The two other times we spoke was me introducing myself after a couple of weeks and her looking very unimpressed and me letting her know she'd left her engagement ring in the bathroom at which she grunted at me. Next time I'm flushing it.

Cunt.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:41, 10 replies)

Let me bore you with a story
When I was growing up I was a hugely athletic child. I would play foot "Don't call me soccer" ball day and night, every moment not in school - before school, break time, lunch time, after school until it gets too dark to see the ball. Probably from the age of 4 until first year of high school.

Understandably I got quite good, in fact I stood out from my peers a mile.As I got older I would try study real proffessionals and read about positions yadda yadda.

Then in high school I got in with the wrong crowd. I was essentially coerced into taking up Rugby. Being such a budding athlete I was also unsurprisingly amazing at rugby. But I did not love this strange sport. I was made captain, I trained 5 days a week but a part of me was dead. An emptiness if you will.


Long story short, my rugby "career" dwindled and curled up into a ball and disappeared up it's own mishapen anus.

6 years without real football proved to really hamper my development (though I did play from time to time). What hurts the most is I knew at the time it was wrong playing Rugby and I was missing out but all of my friends were playing it and we were actually quite successful trophy wise.

So now all those friends have moved on and I am without my

one


love


again.

SIDE NOTE:
This probably fails to pull the heart strings of many as I know there are people unmoved by football on these boards. I do not trust you heathen.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:35, 6 replies)

Final Fantasy 7
I'm hope i'm not the only one that thinks this.

**Spoilers - if you haven't completed the game i recommend you don't read this.**

When i was a young lady of about 12 or 13 my step-brother bought me a game called Final Fanatsy 7. I loved it. I spent 3 days playing, only stopping for food occasionally and catching about 3 hours sleep in that entire time. I laughed, i cried and all too soon i was heading to fight Sephiroth for the last time.

The monsters on the way down were difficult to beat, i remember thinking i might not make it. I was excited thinking about the epic end battle that was to come. I finally met Sephiroth.....


AND THERE IS NO TWUNTING BATTLE!!

When the fight starts your limit break thingy is full and you get "Omnislash", hit him once and that's it. Game over.

Fuck you square, fuck you.
(panda_sam, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:05, 11 replies)

I once wrote
some antivirus software. It was great. It cured all forms of malware, spyware and viruses and was able to fix registry errors and defrag your hard drive.
That was my biggest disk app ointment
(romega Lesbian Licker, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:00, 1 reply)

My birthday
So two days ago, I turned the big 34. I was all very excited about it. My boyfriend asked what I wanted, and I told him I wanted a party. He'd already got me concert tickets to see Rod Stewart and we just got back from vacation (fishing trip, I caught the biggest fish out of 25 of us, yay!) so all I wanted from him was to bbq at his place.

15 people were invited, so I was looking forward to the cards and presents I was going to get.

I spent a couple hours in tears, because I kept waiting for mum to call to wish me a happy birthday, and, of course, there was no call. That was hard, really hard. The first time her death really hit me.

So, after spending a couple hours in the pub, I turn up at boyfs house where the party was, and there was food galore and cake and ice cream.

I didn't get a single birthday card, and absolutely no presents, either. Yeah, I'm a selfish cow, but c'mon. Not even a card. From anybody......

Ah well. I still have a nice rack.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 15:21, 6 replies)

the day princess di died
the early morning cartoons on channel 4 got replaced by a half hour documentary about her which kept repeating over and over, completely ruining my sunday

i wanted to watch the magic school bus! couldnt she have had the decency to have died on a week day, i would probably got a day off school if she had

one ticket to hull please
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 14:58, 2 replies)

The former USSR
Always been fascinated by the place - after all, no-one in the west (bar the spooks) really knew what went on behind the Iron Curtain. And of course, it'd be interesting to see how the countries had progressed after the fall of Communism. Was really looking forward to a visit.

Shit airlines, _SHIT_ airport, shit accomodation, shit food (really shit - imagine your old school canteen except shitter), shit service, shit buildings, rampant alcoholism (the street passes as the local boozer), tramps - LOTS of tramps, more Scorpions / Iron Maiden t-shirts than you can feasibly count, roaming packs of wild dogs, rude and confrontational twat of a customer, rude and confrontational twat of a local engineer in the pocket of the twat customer, mystery equipment and software changes designed to drag out the project, arbitrary rules on working and access, more SUVs than I've ever seen in my life, SHIT driving (had to jump off the pavement into the road to avoid cars and motorbikes nearly every day). It also fucking stinks - the Dnipro and it's tributaries seemed to waft ripe shit smell up our nostrils whenever it was warm, and street urination / defecation seemed to be the norm.

Couldn't wait to leave. I suspect it would have been better if I hadn't been stuck there against my will for four weeks with three hours sleep a night.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 14:27, 4 replies)

Spit Roasting
I used to be a chef. I've worked in many of the top restaurants in the UK and I've slaved under plenty of the celebrity bastard wanker chefs.

My first job as a general kitchen hand was the best one I ever had and also my biggest disappointment. I was seventeen, I'm six foot two and I weighed around 15 stone - no fucker would ever dream of taking me on. Despite all this I'd only had a couple of girlfriends as I tend to be shy around women.

I turned up on my first day all ready to get stuck in with the prep for that night. I walked into the kitchen - it was a fairly small one with a walk in store just off it. The sous chef was a woman - she was about twenty seven, a brunette. She was standing over the stove and stirring a sauce. Her hair was tied back but a single strand kept falling into her eyes - her huge green eyes. She didn't even notice I'd come into the kitchen as she was so busy concentrating - I knew because her tongue was poked out just a little and every so often she'd lick her plump red lips. I stood and watched as she wiped the back of her hand across her forehead. As single bead of sweat trickled down her collar bone and then onto the deep v between her large breasts. Her kitchen whites barely contained her juicy globes and I began to get hard just looking at the small walnut whips of her nipples.

"Don't just stand there looking useless. Get your arse over here and give me a hand."

She'd known I was there all along. I walked around the stoves and I got the best and biggest surprise I've ever had in my life.

All she was wearing was her whites' jacket - she was completely naked from the waist down.

"Fuck" I whispered to myself.

"You up to it new boy?"
She still hadn't looked at me but by christ I was up for it. My hard cock was pushing at my boxers - I could feel the button against my bell-end - fuck that button felt good. And thanks to kitchen whites it was clear to anyone that I'd got a huge fucking boner.

"Well, you gonna give me a hand?"
"Er...yeah. Er...what d'you want me to do?"

I didn't know. Bloody hell, for all I knew she was some strange bloody psycho who liked to cook buck naked - she was my boss so as much as I wanted to just bend her over a table and ram my cock right in her there and then, I couldn't. And she fucking knew it.

She told me to start softening up some butter by creaming it with a wooden spoon. I did as I was told and it was okay you know - I could see her and her fantastic pert arse - like a fucking peach.
Then she started opening the ovens - not crouching to open them. She slowly bent forward with her legs straight and apart. She stood a couple of feet away from me and showed me every inch of her glistening wet pussy.

"Well new boy? Like what you see here?"

"Oh fuck yes."

"Wanna get stuck in and do some real work?"

She still hadn't stood up - her cunt was talking to me - it was blowing little fucking kisses to my throbbing cock.

I didn't need telling twice. I dropped my keks, took hold of my long hard shaft and started pumping. Then I slid my pork sword right inside her hot pussy. I grabbed hold of her hips and she started to buck against me and call out, "Come on big boy! Show me what you've got!"

I fucked and hammered into her soft cleft and she mewed like a newborn kitten. Her long hair came free so I grabbed hold of it and rode her like a fucking bucking bronco as she whooped and bounced like the dirty cow girl she was.

That grasping cunt of hers tickled and sucked at me as my full balls slapped against her clit until I could feel the spunky goodness building as we fucked and bucked, hammered and rode each other. Just as she arched her back to let me reach round to take a handful of her bouncing tits so I exploded inside her and filled her pussy with my creamy load.

And just at that moment the store door opened and there was the head chef - big bloke, completely starkers and tugging on a huge stiffy while his face gurned. I was spent but still inside the sous chef.
He came over and I found out what I'd been creaming the butter for.

He had huge hands but he was gentle. He rubbed his fingers and his cock with the butter.

She slid away from me, turned around and got on her knees to lick and suck at my now flaccid dick.

He ran a buttery finger down my chest and then round my arse. Before I knew it his finger was deep inside my puckered ring and between the two of them sucking and massaging I was rock fucking hard again.

This time it was my turn - he bent me over the prep table and slowly slid his buttery nob into my virgin towel holder. She had stopped sucking my dick and sat instead on the edge of the table watching us until she was ready. Then he paused but stayed inside me - I've never felt so full - not even since with other dicks and dildos - this bloke was fucking huge and I could feel him flexing his cock showing me who was in charge. She slid underneath me and offered up her dripping quim. Then in one swift movement she grabbed my salami and in it went.

I didn't move - I couldn't move - the head chef was in charge. His cock was pounding against my prostate and her cunt was sucking and squirming around my cock. I was fucking and being fucked while looking at the biggest, roundest and firmest tits I've ever seen. I could barely fit one of those juicy strawberry nipples into my mouth.

They screwed me and used me until I thought I'd could take no more. His balls were slapping my arse faster and faster until he shot his load into my glory hole and at that moment his cock expanded and I thought I'd split open. It was enough to make me come again - this time shuddering and shouting as I unloaded into her willing hungry cunt as she shouted out in ecstasy.

We were all spent.

Then we got on with making the bouillabaisse for the night.

The disappointment was that this was their induction for the kitchen.

It never happened again.
(Stiff Richard, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 14:22, 4 replies)

Lezzing it up
My first night out to a gay bar, finally going to get some minge! Instead, my straight friend had girls dancing around her all night, while I stood in a dark corner holding her handbag and arguing with a large man wearing nothing but his pants.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 13:31, 3 replies)

Sport
It was 25th October 1987, Id been into the NFL for about 2 years and, after a brief affair with the LA Raiders I'd decided to jump ship and follow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. A typical obtuse choice by me, they were God awful. But I liked the whole underdog thing. One night I was listening in on American Forces Network as the signal came and went. The Buccs were playing the mighty (and hated) Chicago Bears. We were winning! The Bears were 20-0 down. How could we lose this? Easily as it turns out. Man was I gutted. Apparently I came downstairs to my folks and was nearly in tears (I was 17 BTW). Still hurts.

Edit: I should add that I didnt have Sky then so all I got was i hour on Ch4 (Mick Luckhurst was presenting I think) and you NEVER saw the Buccs. So the chance to witness a live game by them was rarer than rocking horse shit.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 13:24, 1 reply)

Sorry
but how do you post links to places?
and upload photos for that matter
i have a few which need b3taing to let people know how sad my life is :)
*pop* by the way
i didn't realise my first time would be begging for help
(Freddles, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 13:22, 5 replies)

The other day i went to see..
"The Happening"
shit plot,
shit actors,
shit "twists",
shit film.
SHIT!
(kristofski6992, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 13:02, 2 replies)

Hearing the woman running against David Davies,say:
'The truly innocent have nothing to fear'.
Without a trace of irony.
I was disapointed that the interviewer didn't turn round and slap her.
She wants more CCTV, ID cards, compulsory DNA database, the whole show.
Yay for surveillance
(badgerlikespeed, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 12:55, 2 replies)

The Carphone Warehouse
I'd had no trouble with AOL until recently, but since they've taken over, and moved everyone to the CPW servers it's become total shit. I feel like going down to the local store and taking a big steaming shit in there as that's what they've done to AOL customers.

I'm thinking of moving to o2, if anyone can let me know if they're much cop it would be appreciated.
( Monty Propps, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 12:49, 2 replies)

Princess Di
I remember my feeling of disappointment and sadness when I heard Princess Di had died.

I knew the TV schedules and papers would be packed with tributes for weeks.

Though I never dreamed her memory would become an industry.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 12:18, 3 replies)

Your dad!
He gives shit head...
(romega Lesbian Licker, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 12:07, Reply)