Hmm.. my whole life?
Well, lets begin at the start, shall we?

Back when I was a young'un, about 5 or 6, I was constnatly told I am a "bright" child, it's the one memory I have, always being told i'm "bright" and that I can do anything I want.
Now all through primary school I was also bullied a fair amount, nothing like getting beaten up, but I can remember the first disappointment ever in my life, where at one point I just thought to myself "Why does no one else want to play with me" While the bullying wasn't that bad, with my lack of friends and already wondering why people don't like me, what people said really got to me and destroyed my self confidence at an early age, but I got through it, I went to high school, where the second disappointment begins.

Looking back, academically everything was fine, while my grades were never the best (mainly due to a lack of effort) I got by, chose my subjects, bullying continued, self confidence destroyed, my so called "friends" insulted me and generally saw me as a tag along and knew I wouldn't fight back due to me not wanting to be alone.

Roll on to college, (i've just finished my first year, at 16 and im rather supple compared to many) but it totally fell apart, I am lost, i'm not sure what I want to do, if I can achieve anything, I've given up, been dragged through to scrape grades and I still just don't care.

No matter what's happened in my life, no matter how bad things have got, and while me and my parents aren't exactly close, I know they would do anything for me to get me into a career I want, and they have supported me through all this.

So where is the big disappointment? Well my biggest disappointment is that i'm myself, and that anyone else in my shoes would have taken advantage of the chances I got, of having parents who'd do anything, but not me, and I honestly can't say why, but the one disappointment I have is that i'm myself, when other people who are less well off deserve far more.

I'm not lookking for pity, or for you to feel sorry for me, I know everything is brought about by myself, but at the end of the day I can't change that, no matter how much I wish I could. I recognise how my life isn't that bad, I like to think I have friends, I have a nice family, practically everything I could want, but because of who I am none of that matters.

P.S. Don't think i'm a whiney emo cnut, but even though I will never know any of you, I will never see you or hear you or do anything with you, except share stories on a forum, it's nice to be able to tell someone who I am, without fear of being judged or any pain.

(Obligitory length joke)
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:03, 18 replies)

It will and can change.
With a little time and maybe a little help.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:11, closed)

snap
kind of. As the years have passed (I'm nearly 40, fwiw) I have realised that when I was a young bloke I had pretty much zero desire to do anything of any note. I was directionless and lacked any kind of drive. My school life was pretty much like yours. Tagging along. Bit of 'matey' abuse, bit bullied. Pissed around at college and tooled around at work.

I must have been trundling along in 1st gear for the first 30+ years of life. Now - for various reasons - I'm at the top of the rev band in third gear, about to hit fourth and I still don't know whether my gearbox has five or even six ratios...

So. Keep going. It'll click in at some point.

Length. I has it.
( monster monster monster monster monster, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:14, closed)

Ah
I hope for things to change, but it seems ever since I was 5 my life has been steadily going downhill, and I am getting "help" off a councellor 9sorry, no idea how to spell it and there are more reasons than what I said, but a lad must keep some secrets).
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:14, closed)

Secrets on here...Ha!
It's all or nothing matey.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:19, closed)

I feel some of this, over different timescales.
And you know what? I don't even want to change. I don't want to be part of the 'real world' illusion now I've grown up. Given the chance I could possibly end up as one of these and the worst thing is right now I'd be OK with it.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 0:53, closed)

yeah
I was a much touted 'bright' child too, so like one of the above replies, I've just coasted along without any direction, really not making much of an effort.
Sometimes I feel a bit shit for having wasted so much opportunity, but then again, I've done loads in my life, a few different careers, and thats helped me keep in mind that theres always possibilities. Right now I'm living in China, for the first time in my life I have some sort of realistic, achievable plan, and I wouldn't change a thing.
I am who I am, but I wouldn't want to be anyone else, and thats more than enough for me.
Cheer up.
(Ol' Ginger Bastard a role model for the children, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 9:24, closed)

40? A mere infant....
I'm now 50, its only just starting to come right for me.

Like you I was a clever child in 'junior' school, passed my 11+, and went to the best school in Warrington where I promptly realised that I wasn't as clever as the others so why bother? (It wasn't helped by me discovering my sexuality and it not being one that most people would accept at the time.)
I still managed a few o'levels (ooohhh missus)and stayed on for A'levels which I screwed up by thinking one was in the afternoon when it had been in the morning.
That blew my plans of teacher training college.
I ended up in a succession of dead end jobs, eventually went to college as a mature student and prompltly settled into my old ways.

Cutting a long story short, I had a couple of long term relationships, one of which I mistook lust for love, and the other we were far better at being friends than lovers.
This last 8 yrs, I've had both my parents die within 6 weeks of each other, I've met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I've just got the job I've wanted for the last three years.

So hold on mate, things will turn around when you least expect them.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 11:27, closed)

*click*
I come from a well educated, high IQ, looked after family. And I'm a waste of space.

And I left 6th form 2 years ago with 1 A level - a D in History. Hardly the high grades I was expected.

For years I did nothing, didn't care about school, most time I spent at school I just messed around, whilst the entire time keeping on a brave face in front of my dad, telling him I was doing fine.

Fell apart every parents evening, I can tell you.

Now, at 20 I'm in a fairly well paid job, above average for my age. Because I realised early that Academia wasn't for me, encouraged my Dad to this viewpoint as well, and did my own thing.

From the sound of your writing, you could be the same. My friends at University often ask why I never considered it, my answer was simply that while they are getting more and more into debt to gain a piece of paper, I'm earning money, and gaining experience, which is much more valuable.

I'll probably return to education at some point in life, but it will be my choice when I do. Make your life your own.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 13:00, closed)

*waves*

'nuther bullied gifted kiddy here to add to the stockpile.

anyone else in my shoes would have taken advantage of the chances I got

No, not necessarily. You would have to recognize that you actually got chances, which I wouldn't expect a child to do.

Don't worry too much about shit grades - try joining a theatre group, or band camp (this one time I stuck a flute up my...) or something interesting and nerdy. You won't be gifted but you won't get bullied either, you'll meet people and maybe get laid sometime if you want. The connections you make will be wayyyyyyy more useful than high marks. For god's sake, get rid of your so-called "friends"... believe me, they are replaceable.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 14:43, closed)

Cheers for all the replies
It's nice that even though you don't know me, you've taken the time to actually give advice and help me.

I should point out that I did drop those "friends" which destroyed my self image, now I have friends, who are amazing and always there
for me.

The problem I have is that I have to stay in college, I don't plan on university but i'm trying to restart my first year, another chance where I can do better. Will I? I'm not that hopeful but I see the next two years as a time to properly mature, and figure out what I want, rather than just getting out and destroying that option.
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 15:31, closed)

That's B3ta for you
One big happy family!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 15:39, closed)

I got the high marks.
98% in GCSE Maths. Most UCAS points in my year. 2:1 from a good university, on a course that needs 3 A's to enter. And I don't want to do anything with them.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 18:11, closed)

You're only young. It will get better
Once you leave school, expand your horizons, try new activities. Perhaps even consider going to University.

In the meantime, we're QOTW and we're here for you!

* hugs *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 23:25, closed)

to share
I thought I was the bees-knees at school, until one of my peers put my in my place by dividing hours by 60, as opposed to 100 to get minutes - it was a "think on your feet" thing, but it was the chink in my armour and from then every wee mistake struck home.

I only got out of the ensuing rut years later when I realized I wash own worst critic and that it was best to judge myself on how others saw me, and not my view of myself.

Works for me, might work for you
(geedubya, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 1:34, closed)

Don't be disappointed
with being yourself. Being yourself is the very best you can do.

So you've made some decisions you are regretting in hindsight, but thats what learning is all about.

Pick yourself up, learn from your mistakes and get to somewhere you want to be and embrace those decisions in future.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 23:38, closed)

Jesus
Get a grip you whiney gits - do you have a physical disability, or a terminal illness that means you have 6 months to live? Do you live on the streets, drinking brasso to dull the pain. Do you live in Zimbabwe where you can be tortured/killed/raped (probably in that order) for not voting? If the answer no to these questions just shut the fuck up. Fucking Emo whinge cunts, have a wank you'll feel better!
(Commander Cool, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 13:09, closed)

You are misunderstanding
I accept people have it worse, the whole point of what I said is I do have it good, but I waste it by not having ambition.

Do you really think telling me others have it worse is going to help? I realise what I have is insignificant, and that it doesn't really matter, but the fact that its personal to me, makes it worse FOR ME than other people's suffering.
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:38, closed)

Everything changes
Your whole outlook on life and yourself can change in a few moments... It might be someone you meet, a place you visit or even a drug induced state but it happens.

Good friends and an open mind will serve you well in the interim. good luck.
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 0:11, closed)