Definitely one to make the chaps cringe......
Many moons ago, when I was but a lad (about 18 and discovering the joys of inappropriateness with the leydees) I suffered from a condition called Phimosis - feel free to google it but it's basically a foreskin that is too tight to retract without causing pain and swelling.....

One evening, lubricated by a number of pints of the lunatic special at the Old Man and Scythe I managed to get lucky with a lady and managed to "do the deed". It hurt like hell but somehow the old fella managed to perform and all was good.

Until later that night. If you can imagine the scenario - the foreskin retracts but decides to shrink around my bellend. Basically I was priapic with a persistent erection and my helmet was turning an angry purple and getting larger. I managed to live with it for a few hours until the pain became too much to bear.

Now the object of my affection that evening was a nurse and thought (due to the effects of being shitfaced) that it would be a simple process to relieve the pressure until I could seek professional assistance. So we commenced the operation...

Nail scissors sterilised in a ligher flame, ice liberally applied to the offending area to numb the pain and the banjo string and the stubborn ring of foreskin around the base of the helmet is cut! I was very surprised how tough human flesh is, even in the most delicate of areas.....

All was good for about 30 seconds. The pressure subsided and things started to look normal then the pain decided to kick in together with copious blood flow. If didn't know I could bleed so much and live. It was everywhere, the sink, the bath, the floor, the bathmat, towels - you name it, it got a soaking.

We decided at that point that a trip to casualty was in order.....the member for Quimborough was wrapped in a towel and the ambulance was called.

It was worth the embarassment of the consultation as the next day I'd had an emergency circumcision and a few weeks later (once the stitches had disssolved/been picked out) I discovered the true joy of sex.

Absolutely true and the most painful thing I've ever encountered but worth it in the end.
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:09, 19 replies)

but....
did you shag the nurse again?
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:42, closed)

Yep
I actually married her and we lasted 17 years!
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:53, closed)

..."the member for Quimborough"
Splendid. Click.
(Tighthead, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:47, closed)

^This

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:48, closed)

"A few weeks later"
I don't think so...

...and I speak from personal experience...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:09, closed)

It was a few weeks later
Something like 6 I reckon.

The worse thing after the circumcision was the first morning waking up with the stitches. Pulls a bit doesn't it?
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:15, closed)

I wouldn't say it tugged much but....
sure gives me sympathy for fish caught on a hook! It was the cleaning the dried blood away that was worst.

Gentle click for you despite the intervening years.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:30, closed)

none of thisfills me with confidence.
I'm down for a circumcision at the end of the month due to Phimosis.

6 weeks you say? Oh Bollox!
( bane, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:23, closed)

I've got a referral form to get mine done
I've misplaced it, and I'm finding anything to do so I don't end up finding it by accident...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:27, closed)

Six weeks before you even want to is more like it.
Again, experience speaks. More nervous trying it out than when I was a virgin.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:28, closed)

Yup
Managed a token shag just to prove it was all still working, after 5 weeks, but it was hardly one of the memorable ones! A mate reckoned it was a year before he was all back to normal...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 15:17, closed)

Salt baths
seemed to help me after the op. Just to let the honourable member sit in warm salty water for half an hour really helped and I believe it helps the stitches dissolve. Don't pick at the scabs either, that can leave some lumpy scar tissue. I know lumps on vibrators can be a boon but not on your Hampton.

I wouldn't suggest driving home from the hospital after the procedure and VERY soft underear would be a good plan.

Seriously though mate, having had the same condition I know it can be pretty miserable so having the op will be a revelation for you. Just you wait until the first time on the job after it's healed - it's like discovering sex for the first time again!
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:47, closed)

^This^
Salt baths, tick
Going commando wearing only jogging bottoms, Tick
Taxi home, tick

New sexual experience, tick tick tick.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 16:41, closed)

Ticks to all the above...
Plus be prepared to sit on your arse for a week and not want to try peeing let along shagging. I seem to remember it was about 8 weeks before I gave that ago.

Also, they give you some cream to apply to your bellend to make it less sensitive,definitely worth it I'd say but go easy...

Anyway best of luck and enjoy a few weeks off work
( notmyrealname, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 8:41, closed)

I Clicked this
Mainly for the unwitting 'worth it in the end' pun. Great story.
(mersault, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:58, closed)

You should have read b3ta first
The amount of blood caused by a snapped banjo string is legendary.
(rogerzilla, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 19:39, closed)

I had a bit of a panic attack when I did mine.
I wanted ambulances, consultants, an air-lift to a hospital solely dedicated to nothing more than fixing my cock. What did she do? Point, laugh, and tell me to stop being such a wuss. Hmmmph
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Sun 23 Jan 2011, 16:09, closed)

Ruined a perfectly good pair of boxers.
I still remember the look of horror on the face of the girl I was with when it happened.
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 13:39, closed)

Oww
Have a click for "Member for Quimborough," and for being brave enough to let your new conquest at your chap with a pair of scissors, while drunk.
( Scrumper, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 20:03, closed)