Pigs Nuts.
Again: Berkshire farm, Christmas looms, all geese are dispensed with.

Time to “adjust” the male piglets for fattening.

As with all males of the species, the theory is, by removing the nuts at a young age, the male hanimal rapidly loses interest in shagging and fighting and spends the remainder of its limited life snoozing on the sofa, watching tv and getting really fat.

If they are left with their cods intact, bloke pigs will become aggressive, blithely shag their Mum and siblings (think Norfolk) and as any butcher will tell you, mature Boar meat is tainted and inedible, therefore useless to anyone but the local hunt hounds.

(As an aside...the local hunt will happily collect dead farm animals to feed the hounds. They hire a flat bed tow truck for the purpose of removing large dead things. A full grown dead Boar will feed the dogs for only 2 days. I guess a fox doesn’t go very far at all. Weird huh? Why not chase dead animals instead).

So, time to de-nut the male piglets. Now, grab piglet, make two quick slits down it’s hefty nutsack with a razor sharp knife (really weird animal, male piglets, all nuts and tummy when young). Two bleedingly fresh steaming nuts slop to the ground, and there is surprisingly little squealing.

But..... this is where I get a bit squeamish...the piggy squeals for a bit (as you would), wheels around, sees two freshly shucked testicles...and...the greedy bugger gobbles them up! Retch, Retch , Retch.

I mean, Fucking Hell. What kind of depraved animal eats it’s own recently departed testicles?

Still, hasn't put me off bacon.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 12:52, 11 replies)

I think they should take this further.
They ought to feed pigs their dead relatives, their own faeces and their own tails and/or other extraneous body parts. Heck, feed them amputated human limbs. Bacon, spare ribs, pork chops and pork scratchings taste so good and I bet it's not a coincidinc that pigs eat the most disgusting food of any farm animal.
I mean, I do like a good bit of lamb but there's a slightly off-putting sweaty taste and smell you don't get with decent shit-fed pig meat.
Thinking about this reminds me -- I've heard human tastes of pork. Think I may have to visit Germany...
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 May 2012, 13:42, closed)

In New Guinea ...
...they sometimes refer to white folk as "long pig".
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:06, closed)

and in others
they correctly spell "boar" :-)
(haberman is singing in the changes, Wed 30 May 2012, 16:30, closed)

For "me, I'm not..." I suspect you may have.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Wed 30 May 2012, 21:42, closed)

Oh shit...
...edited and fixed. That was a bit of a memory lapse.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 23:00, closed)

Fucking hell, I want to click for some recognition here...
But there's absolutely no part of "Like" in this for me anywhere... O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 30 May 2012, 13:42, closed)

In Australia
They do a similar thing with young bulls, and the cattle dogs fight for the "spoils".
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:12, closed)

Need I add
That the various farm animals vying to eat them often have the French to contend with.

Sweetbreads - not sweet, and not made with bread.
(username failed moderation, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:23, closed)

Fucking weird isn't it?
Why would you want to eat compressed animal cum?
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:29, closed)

I'm probably being oafish
to even suggest it, but there has to be an element of 'I can eat grosser things than you, so I'm sophisticated' about it.

As an aside, friend of mine used to castrate sheep, but he'd wrap an elasic band tightly round the base of the scrotebox, which would shrivel up after a few weeks, and could be simply cut off without the animal even registering it.

He reckoned there was no pain at all.
(username failed moderation, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:33, closed)

Yes, it's a dense rubber band
And the device to apply it is like an expanding set of pliers. Takes seconds to whack it on. A lot more gentle than dealing with pigs.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:47, closed)

You also get a thing...
... that's like a cross between a pair of pincers and a pair of mole grips that squashes the blood vessels. These then somehow stick shut after a few seconds, cutting off the blood flow.

I don't think it works as well as the rubber bands and judging by the hirpling about it's probably more painful for the lambs.
(gordonjcp, Wed 30 May 2012, 15:07, closed)

Poor old adolescent male farm animals have a hard time of it.
Everyone is determined to de-nut them in a variety of painful ways.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 15:13, closed)

I thought sweetbreads usually referred to the pancreas?
Hence "sweet" because it ought to be at least a little.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 May 2012, 15:18, closed)

Isn't that sweet-meats?
And I thought it was the thyroid.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 15:22, closed)

Just wikipedo'd it.
You're right, sweetbreads include the testicles, the thyroid and the pancreas (amongst others). I was thinking it was mainly pancreas on account of the name and the role of the organ.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 May 2012, 15:29, closed)

Sounds like a disgusting combination of organs
tarted up with a nice name.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 15:53, closed)

A first
I am simultaneously crossing my legs and feeling slightly queasy.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:16, closed)

I have the same reaction to Katie Price and Sarah Palin

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:42, closed)

Jesus, that would be messy,
Their nuts are on the inside.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:48, closed)

The welfare regulations
...if you can call it welfare, insists that castration is done at 2 to 10 days of age now here in Canada. Castration is widely practiced across the world but not in the UK.

There has been no pig castration practiced in the UK for about 20 years now, this story is old bollocks, so to speak.
So all males are "entire" when slaughtered and boar taint is a minimal issue. Boars are usually kept together so all they do is shag each other for amusement.

If anyone's interested the 3 largest processors in Germany have recently announced that they will accept boars with nuts on too, this is a good thing for the welfare lobbyists and male pigs too. They will rely on human sniffers to detect the taint until a machine can reliably detect the compounds that cause the smell.
"Tainted meat" (I've got to,run away... from the pain you drive into the heart of me) is perfectly edible, just not preferable.

Also my local hunt never wanted pig carcasses because too much pork gave the hounds the shits and someone had to clean up the kennels after a tidal wave of runny houndshit.

I've never eaten a bore, I imagine the taste would be...dull.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 30 May 2012, 16:03, closed)

Boar is OK
I've had it in Brazil, oddly enough. Along with capibara, which is that giant dopey looking guinea pig thing. Tastes a bit like, er, boar.

There's a Belgian restaurant in London that does really good wild boar sausgaes and mash, (called Belgo). Hightly recommended if you want to go somewhere slightly different, with a lot of dodgy tasting but very strong beers on sale.
(username failed moderation, Wed 30 May 2012, 17:26, closed)

Oh I love wild boar meat
gamey but very good.
I almost set up a boar farm years back, there are some issues with boar being classified as dangerous wild animals so you have to create a sort of zoo like fence to contain them. Very expensive.
The investor pulled out when the fencing was priced up.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 31 May 2012, 3:20, closed)

I'm glad to hear that, Infidel,
This was late 1990 during a stint of working in the UK on a couple of farms (lots of very fond memories – seems appropriate to post UK stories and memories). The procedure was performed by a Vet (ironic), but I had to hold the piglets while it was being done. The memory of the event is obviously very vivid. Albeit dated, and slightly dramatically re-told for (hopefully) comic effect. It was a very barbaric, cruel process.

The farm (Park Farm) raised organic ducks, pigs, geese and beef and had a small butcher's shop. I had to take the pigs to the abattoir when they were about 16 - 20 weeks depending on the farmer's estimate of back fat. I collected them a few days later to take to the butcher shop. They used to leave the lungs hanging out of the carcass. The butcher called them "lights" and said they would sell well. Yuck!

At one point they wanted to change the boar, a lovely Gloucester Old Spot pig called Boris as he was starting to mount his own piglets. They couldn't find a buyer, couldn't give him away, and didn’t want to keep him in his own paddock, so they opted to put him down. Poor bastard. I thought they would have butchered him, at least for sausages, but the farmer reckoned the meat of an old boar was too strong. By his reckoning, even a 5% mix of his meat in the sausages was too strong, and the general public wouldn't like it.

We were going to dig a hole with a machine and bury him deep, but the farmer’s friends in the local hunt wanted his carcass to feed the hounds. I guess they would have discovered the doggy shits you speak of. Some time later they also took away an old horse that had died. God knows how they cut them up to feed the dogs. Chainsaw I suppose.

I have seen lots of boar sold in Italy, mainly smoked and served as salami. I remember in one shop they had haunches of boar hanging from the ceiling, still with the dark hairs on. It looked like something from an Asterix comic. At the time, Australia was exporting boars to Europe because of a shortage of wild habitat. Australia is rife with wild pigs; I've seen 3 carcasses on the side of the road in the last month alone, while working in Western Qld. Little black spotted buggers. "pigging" is a favoured pastime of some country folk - take one 4WD, a violent dog and a bloke with a gun, add wild pigs and there is a day's entertainment.

I enjoyed working over there – first time I’ve seen barned cattle in winter, and the intensive small farm methods. Similar ethos to here, just in a smaller area.

But, I'll never forget the piglet that ate it's own nuts.

Oh, and thanks for the spelling tip. Was written late at night on a smartphone.
( Ken Oath, Wed 30 May 2012, 22:40, closed)

Razorback
www.imdb.com/title/tt0087981/ - came out about 2 years after we'd moved to Mt Isa.
Scared the bejuggery out of me. Fucking Jaws-Pig killing folks & destroying remote houses in the middle of fuck-knows-where!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 30 May 2012, 23:19, closed)

Awesomely bad movie
I loved it.

I liked the scene where they put the animatronic head and arse behind opposite ends of a truck to make it look even bigger.
And the freaky Aussie redneck 'roo hunters. Really?
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 31 May 2012, 2:40, closed)

An old boar would still stink that's very much true.
And as for spelling mishtooks, well it wouldn't be QOTW without picking up on them now would it :D

Glad you enjoyed your time in the UK though. I often wish I hadn't waited until I was in my 40s to try farming in another country.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 31 May 2012, 3:25, closed)

Filthy pigs
Years ago I was on a TV show with notfunnyman Tom O'Connor. His act consists of him telling ancedotes. His personality is also him telling anecdotes. There really is nothing more to him than that, the man loves the sound of his own voice and finds himself fascinating. Only one tale broke the monotony of being trapped in a green room with the tedious fucker:

O'Connor's son was manager for poor man's Evel Knievel Eddie Kidd and once accompanied him on safari in Kenya. The day's sightseeing ended with an open air barbeque of all kinds of exotic zoo animals. The unfortunate Mr Kidd is what we call a plain eater, (beef) steak and chips kinda guy, and turned his nose up at the zebra and gazelle and whatnot on offer. His manager tried to explain to the locals in charge of the fire that Eddie wouldn't eat what they were offering. They asked what he would eat. Eddie said he'd eat a bacon sandwich. So they dragged out a live pig from somewhere, the chef sliced a hefty chunk off the pig's arse and tossed it on to the flames. The pig started running around bleeding and screaming, the meat sizzled and Eddie turned green. O'Connor jr said "He's not going to eat that", the chef shrugged and forked the meat off onto the ground.

The pig stopped screaming and ate the half cooked slice of it's own arse.

Kidd threw up.

The pig ate that too.
(posthumous mince is tiptoeing through the tulips, Thu 31 May 2012, 2:15, closed)

You are not allowed to make me laugh like that when I'm cracking my fist beer! Foam fucking everywhere.
All I need now is a piggy to clean it up.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 31 May 2012, 4:56, closed)