Cash Point Cripples
Folk that are too fucking lazy to walk more than six feet from their car to an ATM. 'Parking' their car in some inconvenient (to everyone else)spot to haul their lazy arse over to lift cash. And its not just your riff-raff either its everyone from clapped out Novas to Aston Martins. Park your car in a designated area you lazy fucks!

And the folk who park on the double yellow lines on the really narrow road outside a certain Ayrshire Supermarket...You lazy, lazy bastards! There's a carpark 10 FEET away! You know who you are....
(kilt101, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 7:58, 2 replies)

Queueing Around Corners
Why do queues have to be straight?

I was in Oxford a week or so back waiting for a bus in one of their infernal "Park and Ride" car parks. The queue stretched out of the area with the bus shelters and back into the car park past the parked cars straight into the roadway. So I reasoned that the queue should have a bend since queueing across the road did not seem to be a particularly safe activity to be engaged in, and I therefore decided to try to create one in order that the end of the queue would run along the road rather than across it. The next bunch of people decided that straight was the way to go, and thus the idea of a bend was destroyed.

But why? Why queue in such a stupid manner?

The same thing happens all the time in supermarkets (who really ought to provide a little more space for this sort of thing at the checkouts instead of them just assuming that there won't be much need for it with a whole two people working them) with people backed up down the aisles and obstructing anyone trying to move around in the area. And I've seen it happening with a road, not part of a car park, an actual real road in an industrial park with 44 ton lorries belting past. It was people queueing at a burger van with the end of the queue spilling out onto the road past the parked cars and at the mercy of the oncoming traffic. It wasn't like there was no space on the grass verge or the pavement.

I rather like the Spanish way of dealing with queueing. They just mill around, no lines. When someone turns up they yell "Who's last?" and when the person who replies gets served they know they're next.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 0:45, 2 replies)

When stupid people have important jobs
I've worked in loads of different schools across loads of different counties and it still surprises me that most of the people who are teaching are as thick as dog turd.
I know that there are people out there who are really enthusiastic about their job and will strive to make the kids they work with learn as much as possible... it's just that I've worked with a depressingly large number of teachers who are worse at spelling that the kids in their class. I once worked with someone who wrote "wardrope" instead of "wardrobe" even though she had been reading a book to her class about wardrobes for an entire week. I also worked with a biology teacher who thought sharks were mammals.

I've recently been caring for a relative who is quite ill and needs a district nurse to visit regularly to change dressings and check up on her health. Not a single one of them have noticed when the wounds have become infected, despite me pointing out that the wound smells and is yellow. They would simply tell me that they couldn't see anything wrong and not to worry, so when they had finished and gone I would immediately ring the doctor, who would confirm that I was right. This relative is very old and very ill and would probably be dead by now if I'd listened to the nurses.

I really do understand that not all teachers and nurses are like this but considering how important those jobs are, there sure are a lot of morons doing them.
( Mellicious is made of candy, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 0:17, Reply)

white people with dreads

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 23:58, 6 replies)

We do not offer a bibliographic service
to help you write your fucking thesis. Do your own research for fucks sake; about two emails I have to reply to every day
( Jahled Three shades of black, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 23:43, 5 replies)

Anyone
who lists their occupation on facebook as "yummy mummy"
(FootOfTim, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 23:08, 1 reply)

Is it the shift to an alternate reality...??
What really winds me up is people who insist upon stopping dead once they've gone through a door. Usually happens when entering or exiting a shop. No matter how busy the location or how many people are in the stream behind them, some people seem genetically programmed to cross a threshold and stop dead - usually two or three abreast if they are together - and gaze around in disbelief as their underachieving minute brains slowly comprehend that they have change location from OUTSIDE to INSIDE or vice versa. Everyone behind them screeches to a halt and has to wait because there is no room to squeeze past their fat skipant clad arses. Bunch of twoccing punts every one of them.

God how I hate thick, common people.
(Colonel Blink is now officially a pretentious prick, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 23:03, 5 replies)

People at last orders
You had a full 10 minutes to get a round in. Why wait until the last bell and make me do a very large round, You complete and utter twunt.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 21:54, 9 replies)

People surprised by the normal
Specifically:

Queuing in a shop, watching all their purchases being scanned, and then demonstrating uncomprehending surprise when asked to pay. What do I need? Money? Where might that be? In my pocket? No. Other pocket? No. Handbag? Rummage, rummage. Ah, my purse. Which bit of this contraption has money in it? I wonder if I have the right change. Ooh my phone has a new message! etc

Arriving at the automated gates on the way out of the tube; the gate! How amazing! It hasn't opened, I wonder why not. Oh, my ticket! Where is it? Rummage, etc.

It might be sexist, but I think it might be down to men having fewer places to stash things, the worst culprits of perpetual surprise syndrome seem to be women, anyway, I will avoid being behind a woman in the dash for the train gate.
(aglet, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 21:30, 3 replies)

tv presenters who don't deserve their jobs!
Apologies for sounding like a grump, I'm normally very laid back but this makes my blood boil.

Now many of us would quite fancy being tv presenters, something serious like grilling political leaders, or something lighthearted like chatting with minor celebs and getting paid and styled for it. Now obviously this has got to be a coveted role that only goes to the very best? Then someone please explain these things...

1. Richard Hammond presenting Total Wipeout. People falling over and getting injured can always be funny, it doesn't take much comedic talent to make it funny and yet he still manages to make it painful with his truly awful attempts at jokes. Why is there not a nationwide campaign to pressure the beeb to stop wasting money on him. Even if they were paying him minimum wage it would be far too much for his level of talent.

2. T4 presenters. Who at channel 4 decided that young people like/admire hipsters? For many students t4 is hangover tv and the last thing we need is to endure someone resembling the stuck up twat from our monday seminar making rubbish jokes. And now they're on e4 as well as channel 4?! Madness! Just put on the simpsons and let me eat some reheated takeaway in peace. And while you're at it stop showing supernanny - how does that gel with the e4 target audience?

Feel free to add more if there are any presenters you think are useless (obvious ones could include Kate garraway, adrian chiles, james corden, etc.)
(Bambola, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 21:14, 8 replies)

Spent some time working opposite someone who used to chew gum...
...with his mouth open. It was like sitting with a demented cow all day listening to it chewing the cud.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 20:01, Reply)

Holds knife like pen
I genuinely don't know why this annoys me so much.
(aglet, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 17:41, Reply)

Spitting
in the street. If there was any sort of deity such people would be immolated.

Just die you human stringwarts.
(unclestinky, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 17:25, 2 replies)

Litter
"I'm givin' someone a job, innit'

Well excuse me! There was me thinking that you were a thoughtless, selfish, lazy, ignorant, fat slob who couldn't be arsed to walk an additional two feet to place your Kentucky Fried Shit Family Bargain Bucket For One in a waste receptacle. Where as, you are in fact, a humanitarian and altruist on a par with Ghandi, Nelson Mandela and Sir Bob Geldof all rolled into one!

Clearly, I am the one with the fucking problem!
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 16:32, 3 replies)

Me.
My butterfly mind and goldfish-standard memory.

Right, leaving the house, shoes, shoes, oo put some better socks on... socks, only one, where's the other, shit, fucking bastard socks SOCKS sort this drawer out.... sock. Where's the one I just had? Fuck! I JUST HAD IT!! IN MY HAND! Fucking fucking bastard sock... there. Next to the toilet. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE TOILET! Never mind, socks on. Right.

Shoes...where did I put my shoes...?

(Repeat for coat, phone, wallet, car keys, house keys....)
(North Utsira South Utsira, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 15:46, Reply)

I don't go looking for trouble, but I'll stand my ground if needs be.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 15:38, 1 reply)

A bit tenuous this one but bear with me
My car has cruise control. It also has 6 forward gears. I have read somewhere that 63MPH is the most economical speed for such a vehicle. I don't pay for fuel - company car - but the amount of miles I travel and my lazy attitude toward filling up means that when on a motorway, 63 is the speed at which I drive.

So when driving on a 3 lane motorway, I regularly find myself in lane 1 gradually catching upto a truck that is limited to 56(60) MPH.

A casual glance in my mirrors confirms that there are vehicles in lane 2 that are travelling faster than 63MPH. However, lane 3 is completely empty.

when the gap between me and the truck gets down to 100 yards or so, I turn on the indicator and look for a safe opportunity to move into lane 2.

Do the people already in lane 2 move into lane 3? DO. THEY. FUCK.

It must be me, but I swear they slow down so that I cant't pull into lane 2 without first braking and allowing them to pass me.

This fills me with instant rage and I usually drop into 4th gear, and accelerate rapidly in lane 3 just to pull in front of my nemesis.

So for anyone posting about how annoyed they are when someone flies past them and then cuts in front of them, there's a chance it was me. you cunt.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 15:24, 17 replies)

Jeremy Hunt
In Murdoch's pocket but instead of the sack he gets promoted to Secretary of State for Health. Where he proposes a twelve week limit for abortion.

He must have some dodgy polaroids of Cameron doing something revolting.

George Osborne can fuck off as well.
(unclestinky, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 15:19, 3 replies)

Long Fingernails on Women.
I’ll swear I’ve yet to meet any normal bloke who finds this attractive.

Yes, paint them any pretty colour you like, just don’t grow them like you going for the All-Organic Edward Scissorhand Stunt Double award.

You know that Cola advert, the one where the long-nailed woman cracks open a can and bends her huge fingernail right back on the ring pull? Made me cringe.

Bet it smells fucking horrible under there, too.
(IChewCandlewax, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 15:07, 12 replies)

Teachers doing teachery things
I get really annoyed by teachers. My other half is a teacher and I get exposed to the teaching world frequently. Ever been in a room with teachers? It is hell. They all moan about, surprisingly, kids and their shitty behaviour. About how they have to mark books, how they have to work past official working hours etc etc etc, basically everything about their job. If you don't like kids, don't become a teacher, simple. I have taken that route and have a happy kid free life. Everyone knows kids these days are little shits, it's not a surprise they are shits in schools. They even moan about their holidays, not enough apparently! I remember my other half talking to another teacher just after the summer holidays and they were moaning about how it was too much to deal with coming straight back into work and that they should have a staggered rotation start for the first 2 weeks. All in front of me after I had been working the entire holidays while she sat at home scratching her arse and getting up past midday. She is now going on her 5th holiday of the year to some exotic place and I am stuck here. Poor teachers.

Consequently, I try and annoy every teacher I meet with lots of articles from people like the head of the Exam board and Ofsted etc etc about how teaching isn't that stressful, such as articles like this; www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-19683920 -All I get in return is "You don't understand how stressful it is blah blah blah bullshit" Yes, there is no profession as difficult as being a teacher. Soldiers in Afghanistan, watch out!
(Davidbaddiellismylovechild, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 14:54, 11 replies)

People with such low sales resistance
that they'll buy shit from strangers who ring them up. If no-one ever bought anything then cold calling would end.

Who are these people?
(unclestinky, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 14:41, 1 reply)

Another driving issue
That lane at the traffic lights with a right hand turn arrow but with a temptingly much shorter queue of cars. It's for turning right you fuckheads.

People, stop letting them in and they'll stop doing it.
(unclestinky, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 14:37, 6 replies)

Sanified
On a paper strip across the toilet lid in a private hospital wing, "this toilet has been sanified"

Some focus group decidied sanitised sounded a bit too germy or something?
Gah.
(unclestinky, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 14:32, 7 replies)

Women shrieking
Why greet each other with a simple hello when you can run at each other from twenty yards screaming like you've a red hot soldering iron stuck up your cunt.

Mouth breathing cave witches, the lot of them.
(SwampyBob, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 14:10, Reply)

People who decide the quiet zone on the train is a good place to sit with their kids,
and groups of teenagers who plonk themselves down in it and then shout bollocks at each other.

It's a quiet zone. Kids and groups of teenagers aren't quiet. Fuck off to another carriage you noisy titting shittards.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 13:54, 8 replies)

I've got a new one... it's only developed in the last 48 hours
Bands who take ages to clear the stage. Two nights in a row I've had gigs with Skullfunk. Both nights had a fifteen minute changeover period between bands... and both nights the bands before us took longer than that just to get off the stage. They hadn't got tons of gear or anything, it was purely due to fucking about O_o

Last night's took the biscuit: the guitarist carefully sorted out all his cables, packed everything away neatly, boxed up his pedals, made sure everything was put neatly away, then left the stage. Oh, and then came back to get his amplifier. Total elapsed time: about twenty minutes. Luckily we set up really quickly.
Don't get me wrong; I make sure all my gear is properly packed away, but get it all off the stage asap then sort it out in the backstage room, so that the next band has got time to set up.

/rant
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 12:32, 13 replies)

I get very upset if people tell sex lies, boast, are smug, or in any way unfunny on internet messageboards based on humour.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 11:49, 8 replies)

Baby talk:
not the ridiculous shit that you hear coming out of someone's word-hole when there's a kitten around, far more offensive ( to me ).
Several colleagues have been impregnated within the last year or so, like some kind of insane relay race, and the fallout is hearing endless conversations about every aspect of their mewling spawn's existence. Literally everything a baby does is deemed to be of informational value, the variables, parameters and analysis of which goes on most of the time: eating, sleeping, walking, puking, farting, crying. All the daily activities we take for granted, having developed enough to do unaided.
And the cards. The endless cards.
The 'So, You Got Knocked Up. Well Done You' card coupled with demands for accompanying money. The 'Sorry You're Leaving To Pop Another One Out' card. The 'Congratulations, Just The One Head On This One' card and, finally, The 'Welcome Back To The Treadmill, Got Your Lottery Ticket?' card.
And just when I've managed to tune it all out to background noise?
The fucking relay has started again, with the same players!
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 9:46, 5 replies)

Footpaths
I really must do something about the rage that boils inside me when I see cars parked on the footpath, usually taking up so much that you've no chance of getting a pushchair past. Normally occurs at 11am on a Sunday outside every church. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's why your wing mirrors are all knocked or there are pushchair tracks up your bonnet and roof.

And then there's the cyclists. Bastards. Usually kitted out with their helmets and hi-vis, cycling along footpaths clearly unsuitable for this. And when asked about this they tell you the road is too dangerous to cycle on. Eh? What now?

And breathe.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Sat 6 Oct 2012, 8:42, 5 replies)

You all know this one.
Mobile phones. Shitty music. Buses.

Every time it happens I have to restrain myself from taking the phone off them and throwing it out the nearest window.
(gstorm, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 2:50, 5 replies)