Beyonce Knowles
but specifically...'If I Were A boy'.

Up until recently, this was just another shit song on the radio by some soundalike popstrel but I found myself killing time in a bar where the radio was on too loud and I got to hear it in all its' glory and every soppy poorly-read-lyricist word.

It's Beyonce Knowles - you know the self-obsessed one with teeth like placards and huge, goggly, thoughtless eyes (could be any of them, I know) but this one appears to have been dipped in cappucino ice cream and had a perpetual motion spring fitted at the bottom of her spine so she bounces back and forth whenever you set it off? Yeah, her.

So she starts off talking about how it would be cool to be a dude for a day and I think to
myself,

"Yes, it would be cool, Beyonce. I can assure you of this cos I am a dude every day and it is cool".

She makes it through two verses talking about drinking beer and hanging out and not taking forever to get dressed and you're thinking,

"Yeah, it is cool to be a dude - nice one! Shame you're only a stupid, rubbish, silly girl!"

But then it all goes wrong - she starts banging on about women and her feelings and listening to the missus problems and how she would try to be a better man. Her voice goes all shouty and whiny and she seems to be in pain. (I suspect the discomfort of having two consecutive sex changes might be the cause).

She bangs on a bit more getting progressively more shouty and I'm thinking,

"You wanna go back to being a boy, love. You can throw on some comfortable clobber. I'll get the beers in and we can have a bit of a chinwag - maybe watch the match or something. All this shouting is getting us nowhere and you're just getting yourself upset".

In short, you're not going to become a better man if you keep carrying on like a woman!

It's a shame really - a terrible waste of what could have been an interesting song about being a lad penned from the POV of a lady but she blew it! She made the fatal flaw of thinking like a lady and bringing lady feelings into it. Next thing you know she's off on a tirade about lads carrying on and not caring about womens’ feelings.

Well, this is the thing, Beyonce love! If you were a boy, you wouldn't waste your time
thinking about peoples feelings, would you? You'd just get on with things and try to make the best of it.

Then you would be able to stay focused and on-topic and write coherent songs about cool stuff like girls and beer.

To be fair, you came close when you mentioned 'beer' but instead of talking about girls, you talked LIKE a girl which is really the beginning of the end, pet.

See, girls are awesome in some ways and if you were a boy, you would know those ways but (BIG BUTT) you're not a boy, are you? Thus you ruined a potentially cool thing by carrying on and shouting and getting stupid feelings involved.

So do you see the difference, Beyonce?

Am I being clear enough for you?

If you were a boy, you would be awesome and cool and fun and not a banshee-shouty whinging twat obsessed with your own stupid feelings.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:09, 11 replies)

agree
this song winds me up totally. "If I were a boy, I'd listen to her"... Yeah bitch youd listen to her and realise what crap women come out with all sodding day and realise women are a pain in the arse 99% of the time.
(snarf81, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:10, closed)

The line that really grinds my gears is
"But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man"

Hang on a moment. I am a boy, and I do understand how it feels to love a girl. It's fucking annoying, as we have wenches like you singing about how great 'real love' is, and thus a generation of girls grow up to think real life should be just as romantic as the films and songs, constantly.

Do you know how it feels to love a girl, Beyonce? No. Then stop talking rubbish that you know nothing about.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:17, closed)

Yeeeaah
Plus she has big, scary, stompy thighs. She's crack you in half, she would.
( Kroney, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:21, closed)

Oh God yes!
*shuffles under desk*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:50, closed)

I agree.
But it's not as bad as that put a ring on it song.
Proper horrible.

I'm not a huge fan of mainstream stuff, but if something comes on and it's got a nice beat I can tap my feet to, or some interesting instrumentation, or a nice chord progression I don't mind it.
But this? It's just horrible. Dissonant, and not in a clever way. It's like Joey Deacons obese cousin sat on a synth for three and a half minutes whilst an angry parrot repeats the same dirge-some sentence endlessly.

And the video?
A line of monochrome woman jiggling their thighs. One of the best videos of all time indeed.

You want a decent video? Try Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel. Jesus, even Whole Again by Atomic Kitten was better.
(TheColonel, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:58, closed)

Yes!
That "put a ring on it" song just gives me the fear, it's just a noisy mess!
(Sir Clitherington Smythe offers him yourself., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:30, closed)

"A line of monochrome women jiggling their thighs"
Not seen it, but that doesn't sound all that bad to me.
( Scrumper, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:37, closed)

Not bad for unloading your wrinkled love satchel all over your stomach...
but 3 VMAs,and Video of the year at the EMA, BET, and the MOBO awards?
(TheColonel, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 16:03, closed)

One's sources inform one
That, adding to Ms. Knowles' vappishness, that 'song' was actually stolen from another songstress, without much credit.

And when I say sources, I mean, ahem, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_I_Were_a_Boy
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 15:45, closed)

Did you know....
.....that Beyonce beeps when she walks backwards? True story. The other day Beyonce was walking down my street and blokes from the council were throwing bin bags into her comedy spacehopperesque shithole.

While we're here, can I go off topic to moan about the Beyonce inspired pile of baby mucus that spawned from her shadow: Alexandra Burke. The council estate version of Beyonce, her song Broken Heels inspires me to make a coat from women's skin.

Apparently, she can do anything better than a man, even whilst wearing broken shoes. Ok Burke, how about we go for a jog over these cattle grids, play a little hopscotch, do a few starjumps, and then have a fist fight. See how superior you feel with 2 sprained ankles and a fractured jaw you evil minded sexist little colostomy pipe.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 16:25, closed)

I just clicked "I like this"
And I don't even know what any of it means.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 17:09, closed)