On Christmas Eve
my mother hands me a pillow case with a Chocolate Orange in it as I return from the pub.

'Thanks,' I mumble, then go to bed.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 23:31, Reply)

"The one you touch is the one you eat."
This is a relatively simple rule, and easy to comply to.

But once it escalated to a ridiculous level, my next door neighbours came round to sleep (when i was about 6) and my mum brough up some jamaican ginger cake/carrot cake, with there being 4 of us - naturally - there was 8 pieces. Well on the withdrawal of his second piece my neighbour managed to rub high little finger on the side of another slice - mine.

I shouted "The one you touch is the one you eat, so why touch three?!" I complained not to eat it for about 20 minutes, which eventually ended in him eating it as my brother and the neighbour's sister agreed with the rule.

I then complained that i had missed out on a slice, but it was my own fault.
( Nathanial Hornblower, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 23:24, Reply)

Arguments
When we were kids, my Dad used to settle the very frequent arguments between my brother and I by means of a duel. We weren't allowed weapons, or I wouldn't be here. Instead, we had to stand on one leg, point our fingers like guns, and whistle "Pop Goes The Weasel". The first one to laugh, lost.

I lost every single argument between the ages of six and... actually it's still happening. Damn
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 22:16, 3 replies)

My family, probably like many others, like to flash the V.
Points are scored for flashing Vs in photographs and on formal occasions. When a family member is asleep, it is good form to shake them urgently until they open their eyes, to see the V displayed at face level.

I am currently ahead in the the V-flashing competition after a display at a family funeral.

Arriving at the church in the main car (for this was a close and dearly beloved family member of mine) I spotted my eldest sister standing nearby, in helpless tears of grief.

I attracted her attention and flashed the V.
She stared, wide-eyed, and then turned away, scandalised and giggling.

It's what he would have wanted.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 21:22, 3 replies)

At first I thought that my family didn't really have any...
... but then I got to thinking...

I can't believe it's not butter
When said butter first came out, about fifteen years ago I'd say, my mum and dad used to trick each other constantly one saying 'oh my god!!' the other 'what, WHAT?' and then first person saying 'I can't believe it's not butter' and so on and so forth. This continued for ages, resulting in my mum taking a picture of us kids, holding a tub of butter in the garden, developing the picture, and posting it to my dad. The picture was pinned to the kitchen wall for years.

There's a hearing aid shop.
Simple but effective. Whenever we were driving or walking past the hearing aid shop in my home town, someone would say something really quietly, and if the other person was stupid enough to say pardon, then you could reply 'There's a hearing aid shop there' I actually got my mum a few weeks ago... good times!

Psssst - Ah!
Simple. Person says psssssst. If the other person in the room turns to look you can flick them the Vs and say 'ah!'

There are a couple more but I'll leave it there for now!
(whatktdid, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 20:58, Reply)

Bridges and Balls
When we were kids (before the days of rear seat belts) my brother and I would hide down in the footwell and close our eyes every time we went under a bridge on the motorway. If one of us missed a bridge and had our eyes open we'd usually panic and have to spend the rest of the day being calmed down, then have nightmares. Christ knows what we thought was going to happen! Those regular trips to visit family across the M62 North of Manchester were difficult in more ways than one.

Also, when I was about 7 my Dad told us he'd lost a golf ball in some trees you can see from the road up by their house. For the last 29 years every time we've gone past those trees I've felt the irrational need to shout, "Dad lost his golf ball in there!" whilst my Dad mock-groans. Thing is, I can barely be arsed any more but I know that the day I forget he'll rub my nose in it until I want to punch his lights out. So I MUST keep on doing it.
Still, look on the bright side, he's quite old so I won't have to do it for much longer.
(el_t, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 20:03, Reply)

Sayings from my youth
This takes me back - here goes:-

My Dad used to finish his dinner and then announce "Ah well, I'll adjourn" before disappearing to watch TV. Mum hated it...

If, as a younger evil twin, I used to pass wind, my Dad would spend the next 10 minutes searching behind the settee for an imaginary mouse, shouting "Where's the mouse, where's the mouse?.

If Mummy Twin was in pain, she would be in "agony Ivy".

When my Dad came home from work, mother would announce "Here's your father, stand by your beds".

As a 5 year old, I developed the habit of asking both parents "Are you allright?" every 5-10 minutes. I also used to say "Hello" if there was a lull in conversation. For no apparent reason. I still do the "Allright" one with Mrs Twin to this day. Now that does annoy her....

My brother in law is still referred to as "Huncle" by my 17yr old daughter. We, on the other hand, still refer to her as "Mimsy" or "Emiwee" instead of Emily.

I'm sure there are lots more but my creative juices have dried up for a while. Eewwww.
(tylerseviltwin, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 18:08, 2 replies)

Damn those witches!
My Gran did this, my Mum does this and I can't stop myself from doing it.
When you have had your boiled egg you must make sure that you crack a hole in the bottom. This is so "witches can't use them as boats".
I've worked in some rather posh hotels in my time and have found myself forcing guests to do so at breakfast. They've all been very understanding and have done so, but I didn't half weird out a Japanese couple once...
(UltimateMonkey Ban this sick filth!, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 17:39, 6 replies)

My friend's family
is a bit weird and oppressive and there is a constant ticking of a loud over-bearing clock in the house.

Anyway the strangest thing about them is that her Dad would punish them by making them run up and down the stairs.

Has anyone else been subjected to this??! Bloody Catholics.
(Eldoofus, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 17:21, Reply)

Crimbo time!
Every christmas for the past 20 years its been the same thing in our house. Me, my brothers and sisters would have to wait at the top of the stairs until my dad had set up the video camera to film us opening our pressies... now days when the youngest (Me that is) is 17 and the eldest is 29 most don't really care anymore and just walk down the stairs but I like to keep the tradition up and sit there on the stairs, at 7:00am until everyone is up which can be as late as 10:00am so yeah 3 hours of sheer boredom!
(The Console King is losing the plot....., Sat 22 Nov 2008, 17:04, Reply)

When Urban Myths come true
Once, I argued with my brother

It reached a point where I said 'Oh, Fuck you'

He said 'Fuck me? Fuck me? I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you like I fucked your Mum'

At which point I laughed.

And so did he.

Obviously he had heard the old story and said it on purpose.

But it doesn't change the fact that every now and then you will hear me or my brother say to one another 'I fucked your Mum'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 16:37, Reply)

A fair few years ago
When I used to live in the middle of Scotland (near Perth, to be exact) there were a fair few empty backroads on the drive back to our village.
We'd been to see a rally a few weeks before, thus culminating in me and my dad reinacting rally driving on these back roads (me shouting things like "90 turn 100 yards" etc, him cutting all the corners and driving pretty fast).
We kept this up for a while until we realised it had hit it's peak.

Going airborne over a hill in an old Mazda 323 is not a very wise thing

To save the suspension another battering, he went back to the old trick of swerving wildly everytime we were driving down a perfectly straight road.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's worth me learning to drive as I know i'll do exactly the same......oh dear
( vigilante_18 WHO SENT ALL THESE BABIES TO FIGHT?!?!, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 16:36, Reply)

I'm sure I'm autistic
As a child, every time we drove over a bridge I would shout 'NOTHING'. When we drove past the Chloride factory on our way to Tesco me and my brtoher would hold our breath (no fun if you were caught unawares and hadn't aken a big gulp) and I've now noticed that most of the people that sit in my passenger seat now salute single magpies in the most theatrical not really saluting them manner - touching an eyebrow or eye, as if this makes them appear less weird and nobody will notice.
(eatmeat, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 16:14, Reply)

nicknames
The missus and I were explaining atoms to Rowan, who was about 5 at the time. Somehow, in the course of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons - said child got addressed as Roton.
Five years on, the name has stuck.


Except when we call him MiniWolf - but that's another story.
(thanatos, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 15:38, Reply)

Opening a bottle of wine
Again, when me & my sister were kids and Dad was opening a bottle of wine, the first to say (well, shout!) "CANIHAVETHECORK?!" after it "popped" got the hallowed cork.

Simple times.
(fatboybubba, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 15:29, Reply)

M40 High Wycombe Tower
As a way to keep us kids occupied on the long journey back from Grandma's, or infact any journey that involved going East on the M40 through High Wycombe, Dad would offer 2p for the first person in the car to spot the "tower" (it's some kind of transmission tower near Wycombe) that pops up on the horizon.

The driver will ALWAYS spot it, coz that's where they're looking.

I never got 2p and today, 30 years later, driving back with him after picking up a new Honda Hornet he pointed out "Tower"

"Bastard!" I said.
(fatboybubba, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 15:27, Reply)

I just got an email from my dad
As mentioned here, my dad used to hide a minature john wayne around his house when he was younger.

When I was 12 or 13, I got my first camera, went a bit mad photographing the dogs, and ended up with lots of pictures of garden with a tiny dog at one end or running out of the field of view, so I cut the dogs out, and started sticking them around the house (as one does). This caught on, and now, 13 years later, we still have a picture of Evelyn, our now oldest dog (he's nearly 14) which has been hidden all round the kitchen.

Anyway, Dad emailed me to say he found the Evelyn (which I hid in July), and he's moved it.

I'll be home for 2 days in December, and I reckon I'll spend most of that time in the kitchen, pretending to chat to mum, but mainly looking for that damned picture.

Long distance hide and seek is the best!
( ascorbate, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 15:12, 2 replies)

"Don't talk"
is the mantra of my family.

As a consequence I have no clue as to my parent's interests, beliefs, hopes and aspirations. All that jazz.

Because they never spoke about anything, I don't even know how old they are or the dates of their birthdays...
(dxg, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 15:08, Reply)

Dentists
Evil bastards though they may be, I can see now, as a fully paid up adult (the checks in the post), that they perform a decent service.

I used to lay down in the CHAIR OF TERROR (tm) where our friendly Dr. De'Ath would say "Aaaaaah, Weetabix/Frosties/Alpen this morning young Prescott". I was regularly amazed that he knew what brand of cereal I had even though I had brushed hard and it was 4pm.

Fast forward. Same dentist, my kids. He asks me what they had. And I tell him.
(prescottsflu infected you at, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 14:41, 1 reply)

It's christmas time!
Whenever gifts are to be bought, and recievers are curious, the inevitable question- "oooh, what is it?"- will be asked. This will always be followed by a giggle and "a banana!"

Of course, it never is. We all plan to one day really buy bananas. Knowing us it'll be all at the same time and christmas will be full of bananas. =/
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 14:02, Reply)

This thing of ours
My family have this thing called Omerta. It's a vow of silence taken by every made man when he enters our family. It essentially means that a made man is never to discuss any Family business or activities with any outsider (not including associates). You become a rat by breaking the code, and you'll pay with your life!

Most people think we're nuts to follow this ritual, but it keeps us strong and united. Capiche!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 13:40, 1 reply)

seriously you guys
I have a serious procrastination problem. I just finished uni for the year and I managed not to start any one of my three final essays until the week before the deadline. Said deadlines all occurred in the same week, too, along with a creative writing piece which I HAD started, because we were required to workshop it in class.

I definitely didn't fail one of them? *looks sheepish*

Besides that, I have meant to get a job all year, meant to clean my room up for you don't even want to know how long, meant to get my drivers license since I was sixteen, meant to finish any one of a dozen or two writing projects that I earnestly told my livejournal I had begun and was really excited about, and totally meant to tell that one person about that one crush last year, but that one's passed from procrastination through to irrelevancy by now.

Also, would you believe how late I left this question?
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 13:37, Reply)

NO!
t'was a while ago now that I was on the phone to me mother and I asked if she was going to the stoke match on Saturday,

She paused for a moment and then uttered the most amazing phrase ever (imo)

"Is the pope Jewish!!!?"
I immediately burst out laughing and said NO he isn't!

My mother laughing her self simply said shit!
and yes I am going to the stoke match.

and from that day onwards whenever anyone in my family is asked if they're doing something the immediate response is always "is the pope a Jew?!"


cheers
(uscmrisc Rules!, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 13:33, 1 reply)

Who's "Nikel" ?
When me and my brother were very little we misheard the phrase "Good night, God bless" as "Nikel bless" thus that was what we would say every night as we went to bed.
When we were slightly older we asked our parents who "Nikel" was and why he was blessing us...

We still use the phrase now even though we know the truth.
( Mellicious is made of candy, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 13:16, 2 replies)

as Xmas is approaching
my grandparents always pull the same prank every christmas, since I was born.

They come round to visit, or (we visit them) on crimbo day and give us the
''oohhhhh we not got you anything...'

and still pull out a pile of prezzies for us
its getting beyond a joke now..
(Lord Chode, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 12:55, Reply)

Two apples...
..and a banana. It's a guarantee that if left in a room with a fruit bowl in it, and there are two apples and a banana a member of my family will magically arrange the fruit to look like your fruit and veg.

I'm pretty sure this started with my mother (she's turning into a sort of modern day Nanny Ogg) and that tells you about all you need to know about our family!
(robbersdog, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 11:41, Reply)

"Waterfall, I said it first"
When my two sisters and I were younger, we'd play a game on the drive back from our nan's house every sunday night.

On the way back, we'd pass this magnificent, elaborate waterfall housed on the front of a large business and trading estate (a waterfall we would many years later fill with bubble bath on a drunken night out, god bless tesco and it's 24 hours trading).

Anyway, as soon as we'd pass this waterfall, there would be a frantic half second as my two sisters and I clambered to say the hallowed words;

"Waterfall, I said it first".

Every sunday evening, this would happen, and would more often than not be the prompt of many a sulk and tantrum.

Years passed, and the pointless game forgotten over time, until one Christmas day two years ago. For the first time in years, my two sisters and my dad we're in a car, driving back from my nan's, driving past a particular waterfall. Not one of us said the hallowed words, until 10 seconds later when my Dad suddenly piped up;

"Waterfall, I said it first". Uncontrollable fits of laughter ensued from all of us, and Dad actually had to stop the car to get his composure back, having tears rolling down his face from the laughter.
(wayneofthedead Dale Winton was my dad, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 11:26, 1 reply)

Family ritual....
As my Dad got in from work, it used to be an everyday tradition that whoever he saw first HAD to go upstairs to get him a clean T Shirt from his wardrobe. Of course, he couldn't do it himself... (??!!)
So, it left me and my two sisters looking out the window at about 16:45 every afternoon and then hiding somewhere upstairs so we could avoid the task in hand! In fact, it wasn't even hard work or a pain the arse to do, it was just because we were lazy teenagers and didn't especially like doing what our parents told us!
Anyhow, one of us would smell food or feel the urge to urinate and then get caught out.
My Dad knew that we were hiding and would wait, an hour if need be just to get us to get his fuckin T shirt.
But now they live far away and I miss things like that!
(prang007, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 10:56, Reply)

Fear and respect
My family have quite a few verbal traditions, almost all of them void of originality. For example, my dad is a big Kevin Smith fan, and for some reason showed us all of his movies despite their inappropriateness (something which annoyed my mum no end). This led to the endless practice of one of us saying "You must fear and respect the escalator!" whenever we are on an escalator.
(The Artist Formerly Known As &c You can order curries ONLINE these days., Sat 22 Nov 2008, 10:38, Reply)

We never have christmas dinner or pudding
Always pizza and ice-cream: works a treat as other half's parents obviously do christmas dinner, so does my grandfather, and my aunts etc on my dad's side, so you just go bonkers after having roast dinner 3-4 times or so.

My mum's reasoning: "I'm not at work (she's a chef), and you'll all be very sick of christmas dinner soon"

The more I think this over, the more I realise that she rocks.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 10:14, 2 replies)