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This is a question Family Feuds

Pooster tells us that a relative was once sent to the shops to buy an onion, while the rest of the family went on a daytrip while he was gone. Meanwhile, whole sections of our extended kin still haven't got over a wedding brawl fifteen years ago – tell us about families at war.

(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:24)
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my brother's wedding
has the potential to end up like an episode of 'eastenders' or worse.

firstly, the best man and the maid of honour, who had been together for about 5 years, split up very acrimoniously about 2 weeks ago. secondly, one of the ushers has not spoken to another of the ushers since the latter stole his girlfriend a couple of years ago. they may not have spoken, but they have exchanged many glowering looks, swear words and threatening gestures in the interim.

then the bride's mother and her sister haven't spoken for about 10 years following a fall-out over a lottery ticket (that didn't even win. how much arguing can there be? oh look, neither of us won anything). but the bride is very close to her aunt, so is insisting on inviting her. meanwhile, none of the bride's family know her brother is gay, despite the fact it is screamingly obvious, so he is terrified that someone will get drunk and let it slip.

then you've got the fact that my dad is insisting on bringing a vile gold digging tangerine tinted bleached braindead blonde, who insults the memory of my lovely mother with every breath that she takes, and the fact that i am quite likely to launch myself over the wedding cake to get at her eyes after a couple of vodkas. if i can find them under the weight of mascara and eyeliner and the flashing £££poundsigns£££ that is. and if i do that, my father will then quite literally kill me.

finally, we had the engagement party this weekend, and one of the other usher-type things was so unbelievably - yet totally characteristically - drunk that he stumbled over, put his hand out to save himself... and in classic comedy timing, splatted his outstretched palm right into the middle of the "congratulations X and Y" cake on the sideboard. i thought the bride's mother, who had made it, was going to sob and beat him to death with the flattened icing.

this wedding could go so so horribly wrong. but it could also be very entertaining. anyone want to be my plus one, it's june 2010...
(, Sun 15 Nov 2009, 23:16, 13 replies)
On the upside
I believe Jeremy Kyle pays £500 as an appearance fee these days
(, Sun 15 Nov 2009, 23:29, closed)
that sounds
pretty fun actually (to watch)
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 0:02, closed)
Paging Jerry Springer...
Please make sure there's a video camera available. In all seriousness though, don't murder your father's date. She's probably not worth the trouble. At my own wedding, I was sorely tempted to shove a knitting needle into the ear of the bride's mother. As was the bride herself. However, we realized that after forking out for the reception, we wouldn't have money left over for bail. We settled for low-grade sniping; it's worked a charm for eight years.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:33, closed)
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:41, closed)
I'll go if I get to bring body armour

(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:48, closed)
At least mine would not bother to show up and just blank me for years after. I thought that was bad enough, but on reflection after reading this, I think I get the better deal.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:09, closed)
Can I come? Please? This sounds ace.
At the very least, you should take a video and put it up on /links.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:27, closed)
Sounds excellent fun.
I've got two weddings to attend next year and they'll both be suitably sedate affairs, there is concern over the behaviour of the Best Man at one of them but I've promised not to drink too much before the evening.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:22, closed)
Definitely needs a video of this...
Get wired (no, not on vodka), and film the whole thing for b3ta!

Either that, or go along with a techy b3tan who can film it, get wired (yes, on vodka this time), and we'll get the whole thing filmed!

Win, win :)
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 14:34, closed)
Can we place bets
on the outcome?
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 16:18, closed)

but what are the odds?
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 19:28, closed)
This story is serious gold
Guy Richie would probably do the story justice on the big screen.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 22:04, closed)
Photos or it didn't happen!
(, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 14:34, closed)

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