Assistance required
OK here's the deal.

After 14 years of near-constant whinging - from her, not me - I've finally managed to shake off that torn-faced old harridan of a wife.

Tomorrow night I have my first date in 17 years.

All helpful advice gratefully received. If you're good, I might let you know how I get on.

Cheers

RF.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:41, 37 replies)

Make sure you ask her before coming on her tits.

(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:44, closed)

This is actually much better advice than what I said.
Damn.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:45, closed)

For god's sakes don't allow any bitterness or resentment towards your ex to colour the conversation. She absolutely does not want to know about the woman she will inevitably be subconsciously compared to!

Oh, and good luck :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:44, closed)

Entirely this.
At the very most the ex should have only a mention.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:49, closed)

Good point
I was being a little overboard on the description of my ex. She's not all that bad.

It's all very amicable, in that we're both sick to the tits of each other. ;-)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:51, closed)

Awwww have a nice time.

Dress up smart! :)
( cakelady, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:46, closed)

Will do ma'am!

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:51, closed)

be yourself lie to make yourself seem more interesting.

Also, invite a second date to the same restaurant without either of them knowing for hilarious consequences
(TheColonel, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:47, closed)

Wash your cock.
Just in case.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:47, closed)

Leave the Batman pants at home

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:51, closed)

Is a quick rinse in a pint of Guinness before leaving the bar acceptable?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:52, closed)

Guinness ?
That's a great idea.
(waxdart hello., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:42, closed)

Tom Jones
Rinses his tallywhacker in Listerine.

True fact. I heard it on the radio.
( Dervel OTBC, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 9:17, closed)

^this
Also, perhaps avoid mentioning your internet username. At least until you find out her fisting preferences.
( jme, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:52, closed)

Don't say "Hi, I'm Reverend Fister"
Hope it goes well.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:52, closed)

yea don't do that...
glad I wasn't drinking anything.
(MrPlankton, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:05, closed)

Don't fuck her
She will not respect you in the morning so finger bash her instead.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:52, closed)

However...
... don't mention fisting.

She might want to take public transport home.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:58, closed)

Don't tell her about the elephant.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:55, closed)

You could always say
"Hi, have you heard the word of our Dark Lord and Saviour?"
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 16:58, closed)

or "Have you let Jesus into your heart?"
i'm not sure what's more off-putting, a satanist or a devout christian.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:03, closed)

Either phrase
Usually works to obtain a nice and quiet plane flight. You have to judge the audience though. Spending 7 hours being lambasted by a Mormon from Utah isn't much fun.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:07, closed)

Try...
...the old wizard hat and robe thing

NEVER FAILS*

* has been known to fail.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:00, closed)

Try and come across as an interesting happy person
even if you're not
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:00, closed)

Drop 20p near her
when she bends over to pick it up, nonchalently stick your dick in her mouth. Works every time.
( Kroney, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:02, closed)

Hahahahahaha

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:21, closed)

WEAR POLISHED SHOES !!!
Sounds a bit fucking lame but beleive me, the ladies like polished shoes. Fuck knows why.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:13, closed)

Oooh! I know! I know! I know!
Is it because they want you to see their clopper?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 16:35, closed)

First things first
Ask her what her safe word is, just incase things move quickly
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:44, closed)

Tell them fucking obvious stuff - but think bloke stuff inside
Oh, matching shoes and bag (fucking berk).

French nails, well done (I could care less).

Same colour eyes, same size ears - these things don't seem to have the same effect. Its hard Mmmm...
(waxdart hello., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:47, closed)

AND FOR THE GOOD ADVICE
take a genuine interest. ask lots of question. Don't go out looking for a shag. She'll have decided that all before hand. You're just trying not to fuck it up too much.
(waxdart hello., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 17:51, closed)

Take plenty of cash
If, when you meet her she is well out of your league in the looks department, get her bladdered. It'll even-out the lack of lookage and you stand more chance of pulling a cracker.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 18:30, closed)

Actually listen to what she has say
not formulating your next sentence in your head whilst she tells you of her now dead kitten that managed to jump into an operating Cuisinart. Woman tend to like blokes that seem to pay attention.
( venezuelan beaver cheese is mortally afraid of spoons, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 19:07, closed)

Jeezus
They're just sooooo complex!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 18 Feb 2010, 19:20, closed)

Good luck !
a) ask her lots of questions - favourite place she's been to on holiday is a good one, questions that bring up happy memories are always safe - and like another poster said, actually listen to the answers.
b) Under no circumstances mention this is your first date in 17 years. At all.
c) Stay off the subject of past relationships.
d) Find something to compliment her on (note: size of tits is not generally a safe compliment) but don't come out with it for the first half hour
e) she's as nervous as you are
f) for the love of God, make her laugh. With you, not at you. If possible.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 20:28, closed)

Agree with all these - esp. the laughing. It's great when you can make someone laugh :)
( cakelady, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 8:58, closed)

Dunno about advice - here's what happened to me on a date...
Picture the scene: September 19th (remember this bit - it's relevant), a warm evening in Cambridge.

I was meeting the delectable Wendy, and had driven from my town. I parked (my big green Ford Galaxy) in a multi storey, noted whereabouts it was and wandered off.

We went into a bar and had a couple of drinks (obviously I was mindful of the drink drive limit), chatted and had a laugh. Wendy got up to visit the loo, and I sat there, idly wondering why there were so many people dressed as pirates...then it dawned on me! September 19th is 'Talk like a pirate day'. Happy with myself that I'd solved the mystery of the weird dress code, as Wendy returned to the table I got into full pirate talk flow (yes, I know now)...which served to confuse her greatly.

My pirate speak spluttered to a halt as I feebly tried to explain, but the damage was done. She made a show of telling me she had an early start and off we went to the car park to get our respective cars...

But it wasn't over yet - oh no, I couldn't find 'Shrek' (big, ugly green car), so Wendy helped me look all over - up a level, down a level - no sign of it. She said, "Well, jump in my car and we'll drive around looking..." good plan...as we approached her car, what did I spot, not 10 feet away?

She never called back...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 10:34, closed)