Calling All Food Saboteurs!
I need your help with some bastard food theives.

98% of the food I eat is raw and vegan (don't judge, it's my choice and I'm not preachy, I even cook the boyfriend's steak for him when he buys it) so have a ton of raw fruit and vegetables around my warehouse apartment and in the fridge.

My roommates CONTINUALLY steal it, regardless of my many protests and pleas. They get drunk or stoned and eat all my fruit and vegetables, and it's the only food I eat!! GRRR!!

So I need to sabotage the next batch of food I buy. It can be blatant or sneaky, I don't care which, as long as I get my revenge. I don't want to spit on it or rub it on my pussy as I am actually good friends with everyone I live with when they're not eating my sweet sweet apples and celery.

Suggestions please!
(little fawn, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 21:59, 39 replies)

draw faces on them, and attach paper speech bubbles saying things like:
'NOOOO! Please don't eat me! I havea wife and family'

'if you eat me you'll get aids'

etc
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:08, closed)

^^THIS!
Far better than actually sabotaging the food- and if they're stoned it will blue-screen them!

Barring that? Take nail polish remover and coat the outside of the fruit with it- after it dries it's bitter as a divorced nurse. You can simply wash it off later, but if they don't know about it they'll get one hell of a shock...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:11, closed)

Ha
Bitter as a divorced nurse :)

Missed that first time round! Yay for clicking on replies.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 3:23, closed)

placebo effect...kinda
don't actually do this stuff, just tell them you do it. "yeah I regularly lick my food straight after I buy it....its a, uh, vegan thing."
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:10, closed)

Noo,, they'll just wash it or not care...
use bitrex, that "stop biting your nails" stuff... Tastes awful.

www.amazon.co.uk/Nailoid-results-bitten-twice-biting/dp/B001EU5POG
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:22, closed)

The 7% Solution
Let them see you rubbing a few apples on your pussy once in a while. Then they'll think every one has a special coating and leave them alone.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:20, closed)

Easy...
Apple + Syringe + A large dose of LSD

They won't steal the fruit again for fear of it trying to eat them back.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:23, closed)

It requires
A hypodermic needle, a bottle of washing up washing up liquid, and subtle way of marking the fruit...
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:32, closed)

easy
only buy rotten fruit and veg or plastic models.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:37, closed)

excellent!
I really like the nail polish remover idea, and the injecting washing up liquid ruse.

Making speech bubbles is cute, but I doubt that will deter them :(
And if I had access to liquid LSD I would definatly not be wasting it on them!
(little fawn, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:47, closed)

Captain Tabasco is your friend.
Cheapish way and they'll not make the mistake again.

Failing that keep stuff in tupperware boxes; if they are your friends and just absently mindedly nicking stuff when drunk it will put them off - if they're actually just out-and-out thieves then you're going to have to live with it.
(vicarius, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:49, closed)

Replace
your fruit and veg with waxen plastic replicas, and find somewhere safe to stash the real stuff.

And have your camera handy.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 22:53, closed)

Oh
Someone already said plastic fruit.

Well following on from digeridude, hide it all in jars of marmite.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 3:26, closed)

Just think of a food they don't like,
and put all your veg in a box labeled with it.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:01, closed)

Erm
How do I sign up to sample the pussy fruit?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:01, closed)

foodins
Spray them with hairspray.

Do they eat them raw? If they cook them in something like a stir fry then you could sabotage the sauce and get the whole lot of it.
(i should have joined myspace, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:10, closed)

Oh..
Wash your fruit and veg in your toilet water
(i should have joined myspace, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:12, closed)

You can rub your pussy all over my food any time
*winks*
( RiverBlues Hello, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:16, closed)

Hot Hot Hot
1 Naga chili rubbed all over your fruit and veg will stop them doing it again

www.dorsetnaga.com/
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:24, closed)

i once injected a twinkie with dave's insanity sauce
needless to say i found out who was stealing my food- but the co worker never did it again
( Azathoth thinks my name isn't so bad..., Fri 19 Sep 2008, 0:03, closed)

Ouch
Speaking from experience i ate one of those the other day to see how hot it was.

Yes its really hot and burns going in and burns going out.
(Scoobiedoo79, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 16:16, closed)

haha
I read that as "bums going in and bums going out"
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 12:53, closed)

For the veg
Cover it in a fine layer of grit and sand - very nasty to much on...mind you, the celery we get it already covered in grit!
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:47, closed)

That's a shit idea
Veg is normally washed prior to eating. So the grit would be washed off
( RiverBlues Hello, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:50, closed)

hmmm
this is actually a good idea, or it is giving me more ideas!

Would it be possible to somehow hollow out an apple/pear/tomato and get a whole bunch of sand inside?

That would be hilarious.
(little fawn, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:59, closed)

?
You can get those things to de-core apples and the such like. If you're feeling fancy then you could de-core it, get the insides out with a knife or small spoon of some description, re-fill with whatever you want then cut the tops off the core and glue in place.

I expect this plan to have an unbelieveably low success rate. Still.. it could be fun to try out new ideas and you wouldnt have to get any cats involved.
(i should have joined myspace, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 0:09, closed)

i have time..
and sand!

Sand mixed with hot sauce AHAHAHA *evil laughter*

If it was a darker apple I don't think sticking the core cork back in would be that noticeable, especially if it was on an organic apple with rough skin.
(little fawn, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 0:24, closed)

Aha
Why not simply shoot the vegetable stealing miscreants in the face if they steal your carbs?

Well...you can if you are in America anyway...


*Grumbles -stupid UK*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 23:52, closed)

lolz, carbs?
Most complex carbohydrates are derived from cooked food or dairy.
(little fawn, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 0:02, closed)

what
Do you actually know what complex carbohydrates are?
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 1:13, closed)

yes
they are what is in Weet-bix, or so the tv tells me.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 4:29, closed)

I'm going with the dude
who said spike it with lsd
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 2:04, closed)

Fruit and veg is communal
Everyone knows that. They're like milk and teabags and cutlery. It's not their fault it's all you eat. Have a burger and chill out.

Actually, i'm wrong and I know it. But its 6 o'clock in the morning, i'm coming towards the end of a night shift and just wanted to talk to someone. Just keep your fruit and veg in your room or something.
(deaglun, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 6:03, closed)

Why not
shit in their mince?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 8:36, closed)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
shit in their mince!!
genius!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 19 Sep 2008, 9:17, closed)

Well, why not keep the good stuff in your room/a box they're unlikely to look in
Then leave out manky, rotting fruit and veg (particularly a few Golden Delicious apples - never has a name been more wrong). If they still eat them, then get on to the varnish plan ("Stop n' Grow" tastes particularly foul).
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 12:55, closed)

Become the innocent person in a stolen food game.
Nick some of their tasty foodstuffs, and bin it/flush it/whatever and let them try to figure out who done it, it obviously wasn't you, you don't eat meat.

This would work especially well on the odd pepperoni pizza or lamb and mint grillsteaks or any other lush animal-based-food-product.

For bonus confusion points, quickly cook some up at night or whenever you can and leave a bacon-dripped plate and frying pan out in the kitchen.

It could NEVER have been you then.
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 0:57, closed)

Hide a bear in the apple bowl.
Or just rig up a MASSIVELY loud 'fruit alarm', hide behind the sofa, and set it off it at soul-shattering volume the second any of them takes a bite of something that isn't theirs.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 18:02, closed)

...
you always buy one of those mini fridges and keep it in your room.

I got one when the thieving cunts in my house just assumed everything in the fridge was fair game.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 11:32, closed)