I'm aging backwards
In my late 20s (10 years ago) I went down with M.E. and was basically bed-bound for a few years. I put on loads of weight and had no energy at all and was constantly in pain with permanent thunderous headaches. I felt very much like a fat old man. Probably aged about 90. I was also in a marriage that was going utterly to shite, partly because of my illness but for other reasons too.
But over the last few years my health is gradually getting better. I'm also single now and I'm really loving my life. I go to gigs and dance (OK I need to use my walking stick while I'm dancing otherwise I'd fall over and I can't leap about..yet and drink beer with stranger by fires on the beach. I reckon I'm down to my late sixties now. At the rate it's going I'll probably be completely free of it by the time I'm in my 40s and I'll always be aware of how much goodness I'm getting because I really have been to rock bottom and back again. I really fucking love my life now and I'm in pain all day every day so if I ever do make a full recovery I'll have to be scraped off the ceiling
Sorry for the violin inducing story and lack of lulz...
(teasus likes tea, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 23:19, 8 replies)

Never forget you're not as young as you think you are.
Just returned from Download festival today. The Prodigy were playing on Friday and in a fit of you only live once mood I managed to wrangle my way to the front by playing the, I am old and I may never live long enough to see them again card. Having got there and chatted to the youngsters around me, they band appeared on stage and it was bloody fantastic. I managed to get through one song whilst being pushed and shoved about before I had to leave and dance at the outer edges of the crowd.
(Jimmy Saville's bitch Is a sucker for gold jewellery, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 21:30, 7 replies)

I find myself repeating stories to people who've already heard them.
I thought this was a mandatory trait in the over-60s, but I've already got it down to a fine art and I'm barely half that. =o(
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 20:21, 11 replies)

Realising
you're too old to post stuff on b3ta.
( pxyzyzygy, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 19:51, 1 reply)

GBH
About a year ago I noticed an entry in the local paper regarding an impending rendition of musical tunes by an English band called “GBH”. This was to be their first Australian tour.

“Wtf?” methinks, pondering over the paper with my latte and croissant. “GBH?...can it be the same band I listened to during my well-spent youth?” I leaned back and remembered that somewhere in my garage is a GBH vinyl disk with grooves scratched into its surface. When I was a schoolboy, I would carefully mount this disk on a machine and listen to the amplified scratchings. I have many such disks of a similar genre.

After calling the venue to verify that yes, this was the same GBH from many years ago, I fired up the Mercedes and poodled down to the venue to secure a ticket, lest they sell out.

On the night of the concert, I went straight from work (office attire), parked in a nice well lit place were no scum could deface the car, and entered the establishment.

Now..the days of leather jackets, studs, cropped hair are long behind me, so I sort of stood out like dog’s balls amongst the more colourful clientele. For me, one of the many gifts of middle age is a mental attitude whereas one doesn’t give a flying fuck for the wardrobe opinions of sheep, be they punks, Goths or Mods. Of course they all dress so individually. Yeah, the whole fucking flock of them.

Anyway, the support bands were pretty good, I frantically tapped my foot in time as I supped on my Coke Zero (had to be at work early the next day, and really, alcohol consumption interferes terribly with the anti-depressants...‘though it can be fun... in a controlled environment).

The crowd was a mix of old fat punks, old fat I-was-a punk-once-here’s-my-obscure-band-t-shirt blokes and very young punk folk, who strangely to me, were dressed in the same leather jackets, Docs, tartan pants and mohawks from the late 70’s early 80’s. Fuck’s sake. They were even affecting the same sneers and expectory habits from the day.

Finally GBH took the stage, they certainly had presence. What really brought it home to me about being middle aged was this; all the old fat punks crushed to the front of the stage and were leaping around like a bunch of excited basset hounds. A bunch of eagerly pogo’ing beefy unfit men is a fearsome sight to behold. You defineatly need to be pissed to join in. They were having fun.

But, the younger punks were milling around the outer edges, too scared to go near the scrum of baying fools at the front of the stage. I finally realised that they weren’t really interested, and they DIDN”T KNOW ANY OF THE SONGS!

You know how at a live gig, when your favourite bands strikes up one of their standards and the crowd cheers, well, the over 40’s were the only ones cheering, ‘cos they were the only ones who had any idea what was being played.

One young bloke I yelled with couldn’t name a single song after any of the bands that were patches sewn on his jacket. They were all circa 1982 bands, he was probably born in 1992. They just weren’t interested in the music, let alone leaping around and ruining the carefully created hair (and maybe losing a few teeth in the bargain).

But, there they were, taking pictures on their iphones of each other to put on Facebook. They were there man, they were there the night GBH played.



I dunno, kids of today. Tch.
( Ken Oath, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 16:30, 3 replies)

I turned 40 today.
nuff said.
( bierbelly, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 16:29, 5 replies)

hairy lugs, hairy lugs, will thou be mine?
The barber offerring to buzz away the fluff accumulating on the outside edge of my ears.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 16:03, 3 replies)

Three cruel, cruel words.
When I was in my very late 20's, I drove down to my niece's 18th birthday party. She hadn't really expected me to show as I lived 250 miles away at the time, but being fond of her and not seeing the family that often, I made the effort and drove down.

There had been plenty of time on the drive down to mull over the fact that my niece would have some 18 year friends, and hey, I *was* still in my 20's..was that so bad?

When arriving in front of the venue, it appeared that the evening might be getting off to a great start. At the time I was driving a lovely old convertible Jag and a group of three lasses by the entrance clocked me (OK, it) as I drove in.
I got out, collected the card and present and started walking towards them: Eye-contact, smiles.. At which point, my niece spotted me, ran outside and uttered the killer phrase that ensured that I'd be spending the evening talking to the family:



"HI UNCLE ROB!"
(BeatsWork, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 15:40, 4 replies)

Earlier this year, a girl of around 20 got up and offered me her seat.
I still wear the same size clothes as at 18, and run 8km 3x week..and I'm 43.

So I'm either aging much more than I realised, or I'm the victim of a quite outstanding head-fuck.
(BeatsWork, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 15:08, 2 replies)

Not a story, just well-meant advice
The best two bits of advice I've plagiarised over the years are :
Live long enough to embarrass your children and
Live long enough to spend their inheritance.
(The Jannie, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 13:26, 2 replies)

I've Just hit ten years in my Job.
I'm sure I only started there a few years ago... 10 years? Most of my friends are now married and have kids. I'm still messing about with not being very good at playing music and fast cars. At times i worry i should grow up there's a constant nagging in my head i'm leaving things to late. Then i look at how much fun the people i'm supposed to be behaving like aren't having......
( gardenclaw mac fuckes your gradeds balls!, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 12:56, Reply)

My daughter wants to "friend request"
Mr Moshi.
"Cause he's the coolest moshie ever"
So when did it become ok for a 37 yo. man to become online friends with 4 thousand odd kids generally aged below 12?

Michael Jackson is looking positively saintly.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 10 Jun 2012, 10:09, 2 replies)

Second childhood
Means I can buy those nerf guns I like on the pretence they're for the kids.

But now they're confiscated by the wife because I behave like one.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 9:34, 2 replies)

Two years ago,
this complete fucking goon said to me 'Hey - your sister said you used to be really good looking. I mean, you're alright now but... err...'.
(Anarquista We didn't burn him, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 8:25, Reply)

it's everyone else who has given in!
I was out the other night and i realised i hadn't seen any of the gang i used to hang around with (clubbing and such). Bumped into one of them and as we drank and danced and chatted like nutters we decided they had given in, got old and were in watching xfactor.

turns out we were right.

fuck that! I'll hit 40 next year and, as i stood in the crowd of a festival a couple of weeks ago the older friends next to me told me i was just a whipper snapper.... as we shared some muddyma and brandy and bounced like bunnies. my knees might not be great and i've slowed down a notch but if my family and friends are anything to go by i've got a few adventures ahead.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 1:53, 4 replies)

A girl in a shop called me 'mate'...
i mean, really? doesn't sit right with me weeks later
(backofthelandingnet, Sun 10 Jun 2012, 0:38, 1 reply)

Fine, I won't call you
About a month ago I called a girl I'd met through friends to arrange a date, she didn't answer the phone so I sent a text message. I didn't think too much of it, but the topic came up in conversation today.

Her reaction was: "Yeah, that was weird… I ignored the call. Why didn't you just text me? Next thing I know you'll be sending me a telegram. I mean, what would you even have SAID?"

21 year olds…
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 23:46, 6 replies)

I honestly can't decide what I miss more...
the casual sex or the firm stools.
( bierbelly, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 22:59, Reply)

When things get remade.
Knight Rider remake? Load of old cock end.
Italian Job remake? Massive advertising hokum.
Total Recall remake? Looks like cat shite in a basket.
Top Cat / Yogi Bear remakes in full length film format? Oh please no.
'Glee' murdering many classic rock songs? You can fuck right off.

but....

Street Fighter / R-Type 3 HD remakes on XBLA? Totally worth it.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 9 Jun 2012, 22:56, 9 replies)

We sell stamps in my store
The new girl(17) wanted to know what they were for. I had to explain postage, the U.S. Mail, the mailman, envelopes, the whole lot. She said she sent people mail once, but her teacher took the letter up and she just thought she(the teacher) typed and e-mailed them.

What kind of idiots are we Americans raising????
(Just the U.S. Americans, the south Americans, Canadians, and Mexicans seem to be raising them not so stupid, I guess, I mean I'm from the U.S. so I don't really pay attention to how they're raising theirs...)
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 20:52, 3 replies)

I should know better
I've been at work since eight am, went to bed at four am after spending the night in a club.

I'm 41
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 19:05, 5 replies)

Gardening
I have found of late that I take great satisfaction from beheading the dandelions in my garden and leaving their heads on the path as a warning to the others.
(Light, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 18:52, 3 replies)

i have a tartan shopping trolley
and i use it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 17:58, 2 replies)

Tomorrow I will turn 39 and I keep being asked if I am bothered that I will be 40 next year.
I am not bothered by this at all, however I am concerned that if the next ten years go as fast as the last ten then I will be 50 before I know it. The idea of being 50 is very scary.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 17:58, 2 replies)

OK, I was going to try a joke:
One in which I post a link, saying "I remember when this was a thing"; taking you to a YouTube video of a RickRoll in that cheesy "1911 mode".

But I can't find one that hasn't been copyright blocked; nor can I get the &vintage=1911 link suffix to work; so you'll all just have to imagine the result (Unless someone smarter can get it to work).

Edit: www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4LRfsZBU1s is the functional equivalent; thanks to Ungersven for the link.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 17:49, 2 replies)

Men aging better than women.
It seems that a lot of men grow in to their looks and become truly sexy in their 40's. However, us girls hit 30 and start falling to bits. Aging just seems to bring on more places to shave and watching helplessly as your once lovely bosoms succumb to gravity at an alarming rate. Also, I'm increasingly mithered about my fertility and if by the time I find a nice man it will be too late. I'm 32 and with friends marrying and having kids left right and centre I'm properly freaking out about being left on the shelf.
Dreams of a lovely white wedding with a big frock are fading fast. Instead, I'll probably be one of those women who out of fear of dying alone get married to any old weirdo in my 60's, wearing a lemon two piece suit and court shoes. I'll probably have to have strangers as witnesses to the marriage as all my actual family will be dead by then. Of course, at that age we won't be having kids or be able to adopt. I'll probably end up collecting those hideous Edwardian dolls to compensate for being barren.
Some friends had a baby yesterday - I think it's playing on my mind a bit.
(The Curse of Millhaven. Pretty little mouth underneath all the foaming, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 17:25, 15 replies)

A couple of years ago my sister had a big party- it started in the afternoon and was open to all generations of friends.
I was outside, chatting to a 19-ish year old lad, and as we talked and drank, I felt like a cigarette, so lit one.

I offered him one, and he looked at me with absolute disgust, and said "Er ... cancer? Er ... no!"

Teenagers are such sanctimonious pricks.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 15:44, 2 replies)

So on the whole
B3ta is populated by balding, horny old dogs with erectile problems; who fantasize about girls younger than their grandchildren
(RabiedRooster, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 15:26, 8 replies)

I am 22.
My hair started showing grey streaks when I was 17.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 15:22, 5 replies)

Keys...
When I was young I had precisely no keys.
I got a bit older, and was given a front-door key.
Older still, I added a car key.
I'm very old now, and my keyring contains:
House keys (3).
Car key.
Garage key.
Shed key.
Briefcase key.
Keys to my brother's house (2).
Some old random key that I've forgotten what it fits, but I've been carrying it round for decades so why stop now.

There's probably some kind of mathematical formula that can derive somebody's age based on the number of keys they possess - perhaps Stephen Hawking could work it out.

P.s. Don't even get me started on Allen / software keys.
(minimalist ..., Sat 9 Jun 2012, 15:07, Reply)